Jimbee68's blog

Just to make clear, I strongly oppose any Olanzapine now. I have a Cerebral Palsy and shouldn't be taking it, I am not a danger to myself or others and it has damaged me in the past. Damaged me in the past while that fact was hidden from me and others. I strong oppose taking it, and even more strongly oppose this raise in dosage. Raise in dosage to dangerous levels that will probably hurt me again. Hurt me again and endanger my independence, my ability to consent, my life as I know, my ability to drive too. I strongly oppose all of that.

And this has gone far enough. My therapist and others have made clear to me that not only is all this in no way my fault, but it is also in some way to hide the fault, perhaps serious fault I think is what he said, of others. I demand that stop, I demand the damage to me stop while it is still not too late, and I demand all who are hiding these serious wrongdoings to be charged at one with the most serious offense possible and held accountable for their actions. Held accountable for their actions for my sake, and so no one is subjected to this kind of horrible treatment ever again. I demand it, and now.

Back around 1984 I was really bad off and I was contemplating suicide. It was mainly because people in grade school told me I was so physically ugly and nothing could hide it. People on the phone even could tell me how ugly it was, it seemed. I’m serious. And what happened to me in that grade school in the 8th grade had a lot to do with the fact I was gay too. The kids there found out that out by then. I didn’t think that was wrong with just being gay back then, but it made me feel I wasn’t perfect. And I was attracted to a boy back in the 8th grade. The kids and teachers found out and they all demanded I get counseling. For passing notes, everyone said.

But then in HS I saw the video to Olivia Newton-John’s Twist Of Fate. I didn’t think there was anything significant about the song or video at the time. But I still thought she was really talking to people like me when the song begins “Do we deserve a second chance? How did we fall into this circumstance?”. It reminded me of this wild idea I got around the 8th grade of time travel to solve my problems. And how my problem of being so ugly just seemed to come out of nowhere on the playground in the 6th grade. When my best friend started taunting me for being ugly, and then it seemed everyone else did too for some reason. And she almost seems to bring up the subject of homosexuality when she sings “We weren’t so straight and narrow, This is much more than we deserve, A higher voice has called the tune”. That really struck a chord with me when I first saw it. Look at the expression on her face and how her eye brows go up as she sings that in the video. And it made me reconsider suicide back then. You know, I don’t know if Twist of Fate had anything to do with homosexuality. The song is actually from the 1983 movie Two of a Kind. But Newton-John did bring up the subject of homosexuality in her 1981 video Physical and it was ground breaking at the time. And she did support things like LGBTQ rights and animal rights too.

As I said, the song and video came out at a time when I had this wild plan of going back in time and changing my DNA to make me more perfect. IOW more attractive and not gay. And my plan, though ridiculous I now know, seemed like a gift from God. Her song talks of “divine intervention”, which made me think of divine intercession which we were talking about in RC grade school at the time (especially at a time when I was very skeptical of things like miracles). So I thought maybe it was just fate’s way of telling me to hold on. Plastic surgery would not cure my ugliness, it seemed to be almost enchanted at times. I clearly couldn’t have any kind of life and I was too ugly to even beg people told me. And my time travel plan was beginning to sound more ridiculous to me and seemed to be going nowhere by 1984. I was ready to give up all hope. But then there was a change in those plans. I don’t remember exactly, but I think I came up with the idea of using empty Faygo pop bottles to create a laser in 1984. I thought at the time maybe a laser could be used to create a time machine because I knew the speed of light was involved somehow in time travel. And I figured light, like that in a laser beam, was already going the speed of light. I was going to create a vacuum in the pop bottles and fill them with some gas. Maybe neon or some other gas I heard of once in an article in Discover magazine. I was already familiar with the song by then like I said, so nothing odd there nor in the timing. But it again seemed to fit my situation so perfectly. And then in the Summer of 1984 I came up with that Faygo pop bottle idea. And then I also thought of the lyrics in that song “Don’t understand what's going on, Woke up this morning, all the hurt was gone This is a new beginning I’m back in the land of the living” which reminded me of my new time-travel plans Summer 1984. Only poetically of course, but I didn't understand what was going on in my life, or how it all seemed to begin during recess in the 6th grade. But I literally woke up one morning in the Summer of 1984, and all the hurt was gone. Because of that change in my time-travel plans, IOW.

I still can’t believe looking back now how ridiculous the whole idea of all of that was, time travel and human cloning. But oddly it may have saved my life. A doctor once told me that songs often have universal meaning to all of us though. And here I am still to this day.

I wanted to say, to the people in my life especially, while I remember. If this new dose of Olanzapine damages me, and it will. My doctors will just be unable to warn me this time. I may need that car with hand pedals sooner than later. Eric my legal guardian will have to buy it for me right away. He'll have to do it, because there simply isn't enough money in the trust for an expense like that. And Eric will not do it right away. He will do it when he gets around to it, which of course will be never. And then he'll stop returning my phone calls and emails if I still ask him. But we can't allow that to happen. Because a car is vital to my independence, consent, quality of life and safety. Safety because I am in danger where I live. And independence, quality of life and safety because I couldn't be hopping on buses and taking taxis. Not that we really have bus service in Detroit last time I checked. I wouldn't know, because I never seriously even considered that an option as I said. But I have problems with mental fatigue and managing my time. Problems I've had all my life, and others obviously knew about it (like I said, the comments people made growing up make it more than obvious). And now I think the beginnings of my mobility issues are probably making me even later to doctors' appointments. So Eric will have to get me that special car as soon as possible. But he won't as I said, so I will definitely need help with that. Just telling people ahead of time all about that.

Like I said whoever is responsible for all of this, you're not going to treat me this way. Threatening someone with horrible abuse and pain. It never came to anything, any of it. Although the car thing came frighteningly close to happening. But it's inhuman to treat someone that way, and I not allow it ever. But in the past I just wasn't sure if I could tell others of it. And now I know I can. And I will. I will tell everyone everything that is happening every chance I get, and not wait even one moment to do that. And this new forced hospitalization is just a way of taking it up a notch. Kind of like what I just said about the car thing. But you won't silence me still or intimidate me. And also, whoever you are you also may resort to lying about me and making false accusations about me, some of them terrible. Just like what was suggested at Oakwood Hospital in 1992, and with what happened in that bar in 1994. And like the video, it seems to be meant to face me with some horrible unfair injustice. But I won't tolerate it, and I will always expose it as well. That's also what the secrecy is obviously about. You are making it seem like you are hiding some terrible secret about me. But you aren't. You're instead hiding some terrible secret of your own. And like I said, I won't tolerate it for one moment. And it is frightening that this has eventually led to damage. Permanent damage to the nerves in my feet, and now I learn in my hands too. For that reason I will always need a car. And I will always need the best medical care and to be physically guarded everywhere I go. And I will always make sure everyone knows that and expose you when you don't do that for me.