Your daily joke thread!

Remember, both butchers and prostitutes charge by the pound...

Guess this joke only works in the US

 

Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey
.
Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg.

A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.”
The pirate replies: “No, no doc, there be eleven. I counted them before I came here.”

 

You're a strange character...

 

Someone online told me don't worry about getting older. You're still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower.

I told him, when you mixing nitroglycerine you want to do it slowly. But if you drop it you want to move fast.

 

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

 

You know why people don’t go vegan?
Cause they don’t carrot all.

What's the hardest part of being vegan?
Getting up at 4:30 in the morning to milk the almonds.

I'm not a vegan because I love animals.
I'm vegan because I hate plants.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

How many vegans does it take to buy a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

Have you heard of the new vegan perfume?
It smells like a 5 minute lecture.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

I went vegan for love. Now I hate everybody.

 

That's better.

 

Two engineers are trying to figure out how high a flag pole is. A blond on a construction crew nearby notices them. After 20 minutes she walks over to them and asks what the problem is. They explain that they're trying to find the height of the flag pole.

She looks at the pole, takes a couple of wrenches, removes one bolt at it's base and loosens another. She pulls the pole over and measures from the top to the pivot point. She thens stands up the pole, refastenes it and measures from the pivot point to the ground. 25 feet 3 1/2 inches she informs the engineers and goes back to her job.

The engineers look at her walking away and shake their heads. One turns to the other and says "Isn't that just like a blonde. We're trying to get the height and she gives us the length."

Remember, behind every non natural disaster is an engineer who didn't think things through.

Engineers design equipment and products, not working systems.

 

I guess the blond was just more experienced with large, hard poles...

 

They could have stood well back and held a ruler in in front of their face until it matched the height of the pole. By multiplying the length of the ruler by the ratio of the horizontal distances between the viewer's eye to the ruler and the ruler to the pole they would have had the height.

Schoolboy geometry. LOL

 

Someone online told me don't eat anything that can run, swim or fly.

I told them:

"Homo sine pluma."

Plato,
(427 - 347 BC).

 

I thought you were going to try to be funny!

 

Apparently you've confused jokes with trivia. Here is an old thread you can revive with your trivial posts.
https://www.hipforums.com/forum/threads/trivia.384839/#post-6081184

 

Like the way they put a laugh track on TV comedies that aren't really funny?