Your daily joke thread!

Someone recently posted online:

Swear without swearing. I'll go first...

Son of a nut cracker!!!

I replied: I think there was something wrong with your Funk & Wagnalls with that post.

And BTW while we're at it I told him, "swearing". I know it's a gerund. But is it in the focative case? Now that's a good root.

 

No chopsticks, rice!
No soap, radio!

 

Answer in a school exam. (age about 13)

Question.
How would you spend your final hours, if doctors told you that you only had a few more hours to live.?

Answer.
Come straight back to this school, where every hour feels like a complete eternity.

 

The Babylonian Talmud says that a child should be pushed aside with the left hand and drawn closer with the right.

And when you've done that a couple of times if he's not nauseous you can all go out for nice frosty McDonald's shake.

 

hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia
/ˌhɪ.pəˌpɒ.tə(ʊ)ˈmɒn.stɹə(ʊ)ˌsɛs.kwɪ.pɪˌdɑːl.ɪ.ə(ʊ)ˈfəʊ.bɪ.ə/

1.) The fear of long words.

Ex. Ben suffers from hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia, so he seldom uses words of more than three syllables.

 

One lady told me that the Bible begins with the garden of Eden and the fall of man, and ends with Apocalypse of St. John and the end of times. I told her that's just not true.

Everyone knows the Bible begins with "In the beginning..." and ends with "Do Not Remove This Bible From This Motel Room".

 

Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses is one heck of a salesman.

 

I asked a librarian if she had any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat. And she said, well. The first one rings a bell. But the second one, I'm really not sure if it's here or not. And if I checked, I'd probably find it gone. Because it's going like hot cakes.

 

I found my first gray pubic hair today.
I wouldn't mind so much, but I found it in my Big Mac.

 

Anybody know their sign? Mine is stop. Well it used be yield. But that's only when that cycle is Jupiter. Actually it's between don't even think of parking here and unauthorized vehicles not displaying this placard will be towed. It's a common sign. I think Kevin Costner is my sign.

 

Lady online: VEGAN because I've seen the videos YOU refuse to watch.

Me in reply: Eh, you force us to watch them too.

 

In High School, remember how excited we were to finally be Seniors?
I'm not that excited now.

 

We should be nice to Vegans.
When societal collapse comes, they'll be our only source of free-range, grass-fed meat.

 

They say an iPhone is better than an Android. But I've never seen an iPhone save Captain Picard, the Enterprise and the Federation.

 

If you're at a party and someone says "I'm a christian or a muslim or a jew" it's very rude there to say "Oh, how ridiculous". We need to treat people with kindness and love and respect. The same way, well, you treat a child saying "I'm a helicopter". "That's very nice" you tell him. Unless he starts running around the party saying that. Then we have a problem.

 

Someone posted "meat eaters on their way to the comment section of a vegan post" with a clown in a small car waving like a moron.

Now I do agree with this meme. Ever read some of those posts LOL?

 

Recently my friend told me the ancient Egyptians were great builders. And I told him, yeah. Up to a point.

 

Recently online:

"Great Depression: GOP
McCarthy Witch Hunt: GOP
Iran/Contra: GOP
Watergate: GOP
Fake WMD: GOP
S&L debacle: GOP
Great Recession: GOP
Covid deaths: GOP
Coup: GOP
Attack Social Security: GOP
Attack education: GOP
Attack allies: GOP

Blowjob: Democrat
Tan Suit: Democrat"

Me:

Yeah, but Republicans. They still throw the best sex parties.

 

Man: I need to get to the other side of the river.

Blonde: You are on the other side of the river.

Man: Um, then I need to get on THIS side of the river.

Blonde: You are on "this" side of the river. Because this is a demonstrative pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced.

 

I told the health department I wanted to start a zoo. They said, well you'll need two pandas, two grizzlies, three polar bears and a koala. I said really? And they said, it's the bear minimum.