Your daily joke thread!

MORE CONFESSIONAL JOKES...

O'Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half-crocked and says "Say..." to the bartender. "About how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Oh, thank God!" cried O'Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun."

A young Irishman stumbles into the confessional. "And how much of that stack of hay did you steal last night, Kavanaugh?" the priest asks him. "Well," he replies. "I might just as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence. We both know I'm goin' to steal the rest of it tonight!"

O'Madigan and O'Skelly were being sentenced for murder. "So. Do you have anything to say?" asks the judge. "I'm sorry they caught us!" says O'Madigan. "Then you confess, now, that you killed the man?" "We might've done it," said O'Skelly, "if it don't do no harm to say so now." "How did you do it?" the judge inquired. "I struck him with a stone," answered O'Madigan. "And O'Skelley hit him with a shillelagh and then we buried him." "What did you do before you buried him?" "We searched him!" said O'Skelley. "And what did you find?" "Two dollars and a roast beef sandwich!" replied O'Madigan. "You kept the money, I'm sure. But what did you do with the sandwich?" "We was hungry," said O'Skelly, "so we ate the bread and threw away the meat." "Why'd you throw away the roast beef?" "Your honor," said O'Madigan, "It was on a Friday. And it'd been a sin to eat the meat!"

A crook held up a man and he turns around. The man immediately sees the Roman collar. It's a priest. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," said the Catholic clergyman, "Especially on St. Patrick's Day." "Faith and begorrah! I'm so sorry, Father. You don't have to lecture me. I won't do it again!" "Oh, think nothing of it," says the priest. "In fact, here's a cigar for you." "No thanks, Father. I gave them up for Lent."

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me of your sins, my son." The old man says, "Well, Father. I’m 90 years old. I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful. But last night, I made love to two beautiful 19-year-old girls! We did it three times!" The priest says, "I see. Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?" The old man says, "Oh, I’ve never been to confession. I’m Jewish." The priest says, "So what are you telling me for?" The old man replies "I’m tellin' everybody!"

 

I told my Nephews that I was older than Google.

They thought I was joking.

 

I had to read that twice before the penny dropped. Good one.

 

A short tale of a Self-Proclaimed Crazy Person. (We'll call her ... Karen).

One day, Karen takes to TikTOk and rants about how much she hates "Store Bought Pesto." While smashing small plastic ramekins filled with it. She claims people will think she's crazy.

COMPARISON:
In 1912, the 26th President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, was in Milwaukee to give a speech. Not long before the speech a Bartender attempts to assassinate him by shooting him in the chest. Since he wasn't coughing up blood, Roosevelt decided to do his speech anyway. Some reported having heard him say, "It'll take more than that to stop a Bull Moose."

SO Roosevelt gave his speech, with a bullet lodged in his chest. Later, the Doctor that examined him concluded that it would be safer to leave the bullet where it was, rather than try to dig it out. So Theodore Roosevelt, lived the rest of his life with a single bullet lodged in his chest.

Yes, Karen. your hatred of Store-Bought Pesto is nuts.

 

My friends and I were at a bar last night when Mike said, "I bet you $100 I can make my wife scream during sex more than the rest of you." We accepted the challenge.

So we ended up at his house, with our wives. He gave us 3 separate rooms, and said, "30 minutes. If you can make your wives scream more than the others, you'll win the money."

After 5 minutes I started hearing screams from the room next to me. but after 5 seconds, there was silence. Just as I was about to start, I heard another scream. But after 15 seconds it fell silent.

My wife looked at me and said "Honey, I know you can't make me scream for more than 10 seconds." I took that personally and used all I had, but after 9 seconds, I got weak and fatigued. After that the 3 of us gathered in the hall, when we heard extremely loud screams from Mike's room.

After 12 seconds, Mike came out of his room, but the screams didn't stop. It went on for a full 2 minutes. We shook his hand and said, "Dude, you are a true legend. How did you do that?"

Mike began laughing hysterically, then replied, "I was actually done within 5 seconds, but after that I wiped my dick off on her new curtains."

 

Damn man--did you shit your pants?

Of course-you don't think I smell like this all the time, do you?

 

Another true one.

Back in my school days we had to write an essay on what we would do, if the Beatles visited our school.
My essay, consisted of two words...............Call Rentokil.

Perhaps I should have given it some more thought and written a longer essay.
Take them home and lock them in our coal shed, where they could find plenty of new band members.

 

Standards for Library Behavior Approved by the Detroit Library Commission.

November 16, 2010.

The Detroit Public Library enhances the quality of life for the diverse and dynamic community in the City of Detroit. The library enlightens and empowers its citizens to meet their lifelong learning needs through open and equitable access to information, technology, and cultural/educational programs.

To ensure a safe, secure and enjoyable experience at the library, The Detroit Library Commission has adopted the following Standards for Library Behavior for its customers...

...4. Loitering, smoking, lying down, sleeping or bathing are prohibited on library property.

(Bathing? Okay then. So where's the bathtub?)

 

Why didn't the blonde finish a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years".

Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end?
Because they say "concentrate".

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Hand her a bottle of shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write "flip" on both sides of a sheet of paper.

Why won't pharmacists hire blondes?
They keep breaking the bottle in the typewriter.

Why don't blondes like making "Kool-Aid"?
Because they can never fit the 8 cups of water in that small envelope.

Why do blondes always smile during lightening storms.
They think they're having their pictures taken.

What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run fast—she'd got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if an email is from a blonde?
It has a stamp on it.

A man got lost in a forest. Then he noticed a blonde was across a river from him. "Can you help me get to the other side of the river?" he asked her. She looked at him confused, "You are on the other side of the river."

 

You know when Eleanor Roosevelt married Franklin D. Roosevelt on March 17, 1905 she didn't have to change her name. Because it was already Roosevelt (they were second cousins, BTW). So when she got married. Did she change it from "Roosevelt" to "Roosevelt". Or legally, did it stay the same? Good question for the field of logic. It also sounds kind of funny, which is why I put it here.

 

If I had the choice between meeting a famous person living or dead, I'd choose living. Dead? Are you kidding? That's just gross!

 

If Actress Tuesday Weld, married Frederick March's Grandson, she'd be Tuesday March the 3rd.

 

"What's the matter?"
"I've spent every night of my life in the city. I have never seen the stars. Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations."
"Well, there's... jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing... is Alan... the cowboy."
"Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learnèd!"
"'Learn'd', son. It's pronounced 'learn'd'."
"I love you, Papa Homer."
"I love you too,... Pepsi."

-Brother From the Same Planet,
Homer Simpson and Pepi,
Season 4, Episode 14,
Original air date: February 4, 1993.


Interesting dialogue, between Homer Simpson, and his Littler Brother. In that episode, Homer is late picking up Bart from soccer practice. So Bart turns to the program Bigger Brothers, and is assigned a man named Tom (played by Phil Hartman). And out of jealousy, Homer gets a Little Brother. Pepi. Because it reminds me of a doctor I once had. He was a neuropsychologist. I don't even know if that is considered a legitimate field. (Kind of like chiropractic, isn't it?) And I would sometimes question his knowledge. And intelligence too, perhaps. (Maybe I should have questioned his judgement while I was there. Some of his political views were almost frightening.)

But when he saw I was dismayed that way, and didn't fully trust him, he got philosophical. And he'd always tell me over and over again, "You know, J. I am a very learnèd man." But you know Homer was correct. It's not learnèd, it's actually learned (pronounced "learn'd"). People just say learnèd to be fancy. Maybe I should have told my doctor friend that.

 

Trump Dies, and goes to Hell.
Upon Arrival, the Devil scolds him. "You're Late! Many who died after you are already here."
The Devil explains that since he is so late, the cll reserved for him had to be given to someone else.
"Can I get an Upgrade?" Trump asks.
"No." Says the Devil, "But here's what we can do. Follow me."
The Devil leads Trump down a corridor and says, "You can choose one person to set free, and occupy their position." Trump agrees.
In the first cell is Obama and a large Pool of water. He keeps diving in and surfacing empty-handed.
Trump says, "Nope, I can't get my hair wet, it really pisses me off."
In the next cell is Biden, weilding a huge sledgehammer, breaking rocks.
"Not this either," says Trump. "I'm too out of shape."
One more cell over is Bill Clinton strapped to a bed, and Monica Lewinski is giving him head.
Trump exclaims, "Yes! I can do this for eternity."
With a smile, the Devil says, "Great!" then opens the cell and calls, "Ok Monica, you're free to go!"

 

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that "Operation" game was clearly awake?

 

He was about to receive the anesthesia!

 

Naw ... I've had major surgery under anesthetic and been totally awake and coherent.

 

The reason why psychics don't win the lottery is because they won't accept money. Oh, wait a minute. Except for Sylvia Browne.