Your daily joke thread!

What? Did my pig punchline boar you?

 

CAROLI FORTVNA RESVRGAM.
("I the fortune of Charles shall rise again")

-motto of Scarborough, England.

CAROLVS A CAROLI.
("Charles, son of Charles")

-motto of Charles I of England (1625–49).

HENRICVS RVTILANS ROSA SINE SPINA.
("Henry the dazzling rose without a thorn")

-motto of Henry VIII of England.

NAVTA SEDET AD DEXTERAM AGRICOLARVM.
("The sailor sits to the right of the farmer")

-motto of the New England secessionist movement (1814).

SIGILLVM CIVITATIS NOVI EBORACI.
("The seal of New York")

-motto of the city of New York.

 

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

I was sitting in my office doing nothing when I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” —Ronald Reagan

The National Security Administration is the only government office that actually listens to you.

 

One day a biker on a long desert highway was suddenly surprised by the sky opening up before him and the Lord appeared to him. The Lord gave the biker one wish that he could have come true to reward him for his faith and loyalty to the religion. So the biker thought a minute and said how about a bridge that spans from California to Hawaii so I can ride my Harley back and forth? The Lord scowled and said he was thinking more along the lines of something that could help humanity and mankind. So the biker recanted and said, ok, how about making it so us men can understand women better, what's wrong when they cry, and how to make them happier as the female sex goes? The Lord paused a moment, then asked the biiker, "How many lanes you want on that bridge?"

 

In 1944 the Andrews Sisters came out with "Rum and Coca Cola", a song about prostitution and interracial love in Trinidad. It was very controversial and people were outraged. Not about the prostitution part, but about the interracial romance.

 

Hannibal Lecter's Advent calendar:

 

In 1517 in Martin Luther's "95 Theses" he said that plenary indulgences were wrong. Buying salvation? You can never buy and sell sacred items. That's called simony. Yet protestants pay tithes, they donate to churches, they put money in the collection plate. What exactly are they paying for then?

 

How to politely tell someone they are stupid...

Wisdom has been chasing you. But you have always been faster.

 

"I wonder Who’s Holding Donna Now. And where is she being held?"

—local DJ, WCZY Detroit, c. 1986.

(LOL, it was an El DeBarge song...)

 

They say when in Rome do as the Romans. But Ciampino borders Rome. What if you cross the border? Do you do as the Romans or do you do as the Ciampinesi? And what about in Paris? Or London? Do you do as the Romans in Paris? Or do you do as the Parisians in London?

Now I'm just more confused...

 

My mood ring is missing. So now I don't know how I feel about that.

 

Something I Often Ponder:

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the in the fridge?

And why is there never a light in the freezer? It's like they don't want us to even go there...

 

When people paid to wait on you hang up in your ear I feel like saying, when you do it for free, you can do that. But you know that's not true. People who work for charities work for free. And they never hang up in your ear. Did you ever notice that?

 

Some people say narcissist spelled backwards is just ❗sshole. But that's not true. Narcissist spelt backwards is tsissicran, which makes no sense to me. But war spelled backwards is raw, which makes sense. And desserts spelt backwards is stressed which makes sense. Some people do need to lose weight. Lager is regal spelled backwards. I'm beer connoisseur. So I can relate to that. But smart and sports spelled backwards spell tram and strops. Are those even words?

 

This is a good way of insulting someone, without technically doing so:

"Une rectume dit quoi."
"Quoi?"
"Une recturme dit quoi."
"Quoi?"
"Une rectume dit quoi."
"Quoi?"
"Exactement!"

—Mike Myers, 1992.

 

Q: Do men still open doors?

A: How else would we get in buildings?

 

A Bear walks into a bar in Boise, sits at the bar and calls the bartender over.
"Let me have a Beer, Bartender!" says the Bear.
The Bartender flatly replies; "I'm sorry, but we don't serve Beer to Bears in Bars in Boise."
The Bear is caught off guard by this and in a loud growl, demands, "I want a Beer, Bartender!!"
Still unmoved, the Bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve Beer to Bears in Bars in Boise."
Now the Bear is fuming, and points to a Blonde at the other end of the Bar. "See that woman over there?" the Bear asks in a menacing growl.
"If you don't give me a Beer, I'm going to rip her apart and eat her, right in front of you!!"
The Bartender shrugs and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve Beer to Belligerent Bears in Bars in Boise."
The Bear roars and jumps the Bar and pounces on the woman and begins rending her limb from limb and consuming her. When he finishes he returns to his seat.
"NOW!" growls the Bear. Will you give me a Damned Beer?"
The Bartender sighs, and states flatly. "I'm sorry, but we don't serve Beer to Belligerent Bears in Bars in Boise, who are on Drugs."
Completely Nonplussed by this the Bear replies, "What do you mean Drugs? I don't do Drugs!" declares the Bear angrily.
The Bartender points to the grotesque remains of the Blonde at the far end of the Bar and states, "That ... was a Bar-Bitch-You-Ate."

 

A man walks into an ice cream parlor and in a hoarse croaky voice says:
"Dish of vanilla ice cream please."
The clerk replies, “Certainly sir…would you like chocolate sauce on that?"
The man croaks, "Yes please."
"Whipped cream?"
"Yes please."
"Crushed nuts?"
“No, it's just laryngitis.”

 

My favorite brand of coffee is anything that begins with an A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y or Z. Oh. And do any begin with an ampersand or dash?