Why live? Why die? Why hurt? Why cry? losing what little faith i had in me

Who cares? good people, kind people. Good people care that some ones life was needlessly tainted, good people care that someones life was ended 30 years ealry just so someone can experiance something new.

Your way of life is an illness that has plagued mankind since the begining of mankind. You have chosen to be a cancer on mankind, I would not mind if you were removed from this earth and not because I would take pleasure in wishing you the worst but because I would be satisfied it would be for a greater good.

Do what thy will.

 

the new school year doen't change my aspect on life but at least on the frist day i'm running into so many pleasurable distractions that i can't even think of ending anything now i never could follow though with my heart ambitions i mean things will eventully happen but i kind of feel guilty being so happy, i forgoten what i good illusion can come from life a two way relationship (in any degree) can be, i forgotten how many things can happen in a day of school like a dam of emotions can keep the past hidden. i'm probably jixing myself but do you ever feel that relief when school starts again, for those still in school

 

I know well enough from human nature that I will not be liked after this and if anyone cannot stand conflict and anger it's me. I cannot bare to witness a fist fight or even an arguement being so passive. And coming to this board new it's the last thing I want and would be better off in that sense to ignore this whole thread but dammit I cannot. The truth is I don't feel any anger whatsoever towards you Sininabin and I do take you at your word. If it's all a lie or dupe then I'd only find it a great relief non of this really happened. But as I said I'll take you at your word and have no reason to call you a liar. I'm certainly not insensitive to the people who are part of this tragedy but if I can find compassion for the victims I can as well for you. I don't think you sat down one day and decided, "I think I'll rape and molest people." That makes no sense to me and yes I am hated for having these views and people think I condone the action or something equally ridiculous. The very fact that I could never commit actions like the ones you posted only tell me you are in pain as well and I do not want to see you raped in prison or hurt in anyway whatsoever as an eye for an eye will leave us all blind eventually and negative energy is just that, negative energy. Nor am I blaming anyone for lashing out at you as it's human nature and emotions take over when people read of these actions. And I don't fancy myself a jesus type at all, nor can I really explain why I differ from most people in this regard. I don't assume anything about you, dislike you or judge you in anyway as I don't feel it's my place nor can I. If you want to scream, can't take it, want to talk you can e-mail me anytime or message me here and I will try to help in anyway I can. I've read where you ask over and over why do people live? Dude, if I only had the answer to that q! But I have no satisfactory answer right now at least and have wondered if life was worth living myself as I live much of my life in a great deal of pain as well suffering from horrible pain and bad health. I know pain on it's most primal level and have attempted to take my life not out of emotion but I felt it practical at the time due to the pain I was suffering. And after all pain is pain and I don't want to see anyone suffer ever no matter what they did in life. I'm not sure if you can trust anyone or not and really don't think you will me but I have to try or I will feel the consequences of it. So once again it's a selfish act as well. Besides it would help nothing even if I was capable of feeling anger towards you. My personal belief is that it will only hurt more people and that these chains do not end if I take part in the negativity. So as I said I doubt I can help you or that you would let anyone but maybe you can try to meet me a little bit in this at least to the point that you can see that someone does care. That someone thinks you are a person, a good person if we must use such terms and you do contribute to life on this planet. I will not judge you based on these "sins" nor will I dislike you. It sounds like you are really lost in the passions in the Buddhist/Hindu aspect and you are locked fully into desire and hate and love. To me its essentially the same behavior I exhibit myself when I'm caught in those passions and and walking around cursing the world and lost in my own pain and passions. The mind is simply not sitting above them due to whatever circumstances you live in and your life experience. And I know most people won't accept this nor do think you will. You have went into the sexual domain with it all where I was just lost in self loathing. No I can't relate to molestation or rape or many of the things you have done as it's not my nature but I take no credit for that fact. How it can't be a legit illness you are suffering or the product of environment, I'll never understand. I think you have illnesses as people say and are sick and do suffer from all this even if it's not visible. You are a human being just as I am, just as your Aunt is and the little girl and your ex and it doesn't possess any logic for me to feel some great compassion for them and to have equal wrath for you. No, they don't deserve that pain or any pain and neither do you or any other human being. Hell if I had Henry Lee Lucas mother I would be as he was would I not? How can I say if I lived his life exact I would be different at all? Is this wisdom? There are always reasons if we keep digging and looking and trying our best to understand all human pain not just the victim. There are always reasons as there will always be people that care and refuse to have their heart turn black by this world. I cannot follow that path and it's not of my nature anyways as suffering can be a great mind expanding tool. All I can do is offer and all you can do is refuse or take me at my word and I do not expect that of you or presume anything. Still I don't think it hurts for you to know this; that people can care and feel for any pain and torment. It would be nice if I could post this and not get blasted by others and I do not blame them if they do I just know from pasr experience. Yes it will hurt my feelings; read my username, I suffer from hyper sensitivity and I'm well aware of that and wish nobody would ever get angry at me b/c it does hurt. It hurts me that I upset people and have no intent of doing so but I would feel worse if I never posted this and never tried or at least expressed how I felt about you and this situation. I have a young daughter?" and I understand how others feel and that eternal q, "what if it was your daughter this happened to" Well I cannot answer that as I'm not in the situation and the chances I'd go psycho if anything at all happned to her are pretty damn good but at the same time I know it's far from the solution and really I'm just joining in this hatred. Life can be the greatest adventure as well if we let go of our fears. But I cannot go on like this trying to convince you I'm sincere and it's absurd to try. At the same time I cannot worry about that but can only tell you how I feel and that I will listen without judgement or anger. I wish I could give you advice but I don't know you in the least beyond this thread. Maybe someday you will consider the idea that people do care and I am willing to reach out. Oddly as I'm sure you know, guilt is your worst enemy right now and will only lead to more pain. You already know the problem and you are not a coward; it's a silly vague term that means nothing and suicide is in no way the answer. The answer lays in knowledge, knowledge of yourself and the ability to try if you can to find help getting out of your own pain. I wish I had more to say right now and could be of more help at least be able to tell you why I live. I think the best answer is "why not?" for me. I want to follow this journey to the end and find out what it's all about and suicide is skipping too many steps for me when death will come anyways. And as I said I know darkness and pain on levels I didn't know existed and the fact that we are very different in actions doesn't mean you are any less of a person. There is always a way out of any mental prison and it's an intellectual game not an emotional one. Try just try to see even the smallest of goodness or light
peace
Gentle

 

i know exactly how you feel... that's how i feel right now. why bother living when it hurts this much..

 

very informative detailed reply, which is god i can clearly see your view point about what i've said and i'm glad to know that you do come with an open minds instead of mindless hate, i have met a view who share your reaction to me, there always seems to be a few good people i like to hear more of your story. i've always found frustrating is i never found anything that was terrible that happned to me, espically in the catagory of molestation. If you want more information about me you can just chat here but there are some other older threads that may give you a backround on this one (rape from every angle....get your mind out of the gutter, this ain't about gayness but sexual harrasement just look in my public profile under my thread) till you reply bye

 

I can be a bit long winded in my replies but more impressive is the fact I cannot type and only use one finger looking at the keys. lol As for the hate I don't believe I've ever hated or really dislike anyone I've met. Don't be frustrated you were never molested b/c it's too cause and effect and I think as a race we are getting beyond that. And don't assume so many hate you as I doubt its really the case but just emotions flying out of control so really it's not much different then when you get these feelings. It's so closely related it's scary that most don't see it. It's no comfort to me that people find rape, murder ect morally wrong b/c all this tells me is that it's dogmatic and if they see through the falacy of morals things can get confused and ugly. I can't really use terms like ID, Ego or any other shrink jargon because it's just words, vague terms to describe complex issues they have no other way understanding. I'm not sure what it is you wanted to know about me but I'm pretty much an open book so I will answer any q's about myself honestly. It really looks like your intelligence has in a way run ahead of you if that makes any sense. You have broke through the 'good' and 'evil' for lack of better words and seen it for what it really is but keep going. For me losing all morals only brought me freedom, peace of mind and to use a contradictory term has made me a better person. Of course I know it's not morally wrong to embark on any path or choose any action no matter how many would call the action bad or evil. But this is what frees the soul for me and allows me to look within myself and find what is right for me. And I see the reasons leaders have for instilling morals as without them people can become a loose cannon so to speak so while I know the idea to be false it's still needed in the world as it is at present. As long as humans live in desire and passion and follow them the truth is somewhat dangerous. I don't know why some are trapped in them but it's not agood place for humans to be in at anytime no matter what their desires. With your mind you are more than capable of sitting above all these feelings. Its like Fritz said if you tether the heart, the passions the soul is free to go anywhere. But mind must sit above the passions not for others but for ourselves if we want to acquire any true wisdom. And like I said I just can't judge anyone b/c if I lived your life I would be you with your thoughts and desires. How could it work any other way? This I don't want you to take as an attack at all ok? You use the same quote as me in one of your posts. Live and let live. Once you really understand that, feel it well it's freedom and one really doesn't need much else to live by in this life. Rape isn't a fantasy of mine but if it was the danger would lay in what it would do to me if I committed the act. You can learn to use your pain to your advantage and with your wide range of emotion you are capable of more love and compassion in this world than the average person. Do you really want to waste all this knowledge you possess at such a young age due to acts of passion? I believe you said you were 15 and man I have to tell you thats pretty impressive to have a mind like yours at that age. I'm 34 and KNOW I could learn so much from you in so many aspects of life so it would be such a horrible waste to mankind for you to kill yourself! Stop the division of mind and will one thing man and watch how far your mind goes. And I know rape is a desire many, many men have more than would ever admit it. Hell the reasons can even fall into the mundane and most of our sexuality is formed in childhood by so many influences no man alive could ever reason even a fraction of them out. Hell most of us are straight or bi or gay simply through societies conditioning. I know many men who have violent rape fantasies b/c they grew up watching and having their first exposer to sex through movies and television. I know many don't buy into that and it is too cause and effect but I don't see how it can be denied it plays a part. A young childs mind is vulnerable and what hits the eye balls does hit the mind and does stay in at least the subconcious mind. We can see this observin different cultures and parenting and society ect ect ect.Just b/c these things don't always apply hardly discredites them. Why are people basically the same in so many ways when it comes to sexuality in different societies? Observe how many out there are simply walking television sets or bibles or their schools and churches. We need to de program and learn our own minds all over again looking deep within ourselves and finding the reasons for our actions and desires. With understanding comes a loss of all false and negative desire, it's that simple. Still the mind and when in doubt don't act but but look for the causes, look for the reality, the true self. And don't frustrate yourself when the answer isn't immediate b/c it's all in the journey and knowledge is much more fun than any physical actions. I wouldn't even waste a mind like yours on relationships and filling every desire b/c it's capable of so much more and I'm not trying to manipulate you in anyway I just truly believe this. I wouldn't forfeit one piece of knowledge I posses for all the sex and women in the world. Why would I? Sex just isn't that important or that good to be honest as a trade of ever. Really I could care less if I never had sex again in any form b/c it's society thats put this manic obsession on it wrapped up in a beer commercial. Sure there is the sex drive and reproductive urges and even the primal but it is in no way so manic and frenzied as society has made it. Observe people in a bar or any place where hormones are in the air! lol It looks like a bunch of drunken chimps with very little reason or rational mind. As a society we need to find our minds and reason again and stop getting swept up in these desires that are force feed to us by the media from the day we are born.

 

And you can overcome these desires and being as strong as they are think how powerful you will become in mind. Think of the knowledge you will possess having experienced this side and over coming it. True power is overcoming desire not giving in to them and the more difficult the struggle the stronger a person becomes. I wouldn't spend all this time typing this and trying to fight through the problems of communication and language(esp in text) if I thought you were some mindless thug. I would try to help you and like you just as much but there would be no point in all this at all. It's just too much of a sacrifice, really a waste(and I'm not spouting cliches I mean it) to throw away a mind like yours on simple action whether it's deemed good or bad. In a world thats increasingly becoming nothing but drones it's too depressing to think of someone with an intelligence like yours being thrown away on rape and suicide. And consider the pain you feel and I don't pretend to know yours, but consider how much that very pain is responsible for the knowledge and not vice versa. Birth pains and the greater the mind the more it hurts so we really need to find a way to deal with this pain and as hopeless as it might feel it most certainly can be done.
peace
Gentle
ps I hope none of this sounded preachy as thats the last thing I want. The only thing I pride myself on is the fact that in the Socratic sense I am fully aware that I know absolutley nothing.
GentleRainbow@hotmail.com is my e mail and msn messanger if u ever want to talk and Im on dial up and cant type SO BE FUCKING PATIENT!!!!! lol