what a does a "good wife" mean?

wow, i get all that and still don't have to kneel at dave's feet while he emotionally abuses me.

 

who's being emotionally abused????

 

I'll answer the original question.

Basically don't let yourself go. I mean that in every sense, not just physical. Anybody who thinks sex is not an important factor in a marriage is fucking delusional. Why do you think adultery runs rampant & divorce rates are at an all time high? I read article an on CNN.com about sexless marriages & how they affect even newlyweds as young as their mid-twenties! How fucked up is that? You're in the height of your sexual peak & not even fucking your own wife/husband! What it said was that (more often women) who's partner may suck in bed or not have that great of sexual chemistry but has all the tools to be a great father for future children. How are you even going to be a parent when you're not even fucking to begin with? Who the hell made you jump into a marriage that's not compatible?

She used to give the best blow jobs in the world when you were going out but now she won't put her mouth near that thing. She used be the hottest little package you were proud to show off as your wife to be. And all it took was a wedding ring for her to triple in size.

Of course, the only things I mentioned here were superficial examples. I also know that there is much more to it than that. I think the biggest problem in marriage is that it's aways looked at as "the end of the road" "all downhill from here." And that to me is just setting it up for failure. Of course, all of these apply to men also.

 

the original poster. do try to keep up.

 

i've never told i've been a bad wife by my husband or needed to make a huge change in my marriage so i only sit or kneel at my husbands feet for the usual reasons, when i'm giving him a pedicure, a blowjob or keeping them warm.

 

oh dear, there's the sarcasm again. you must be a real peach to live with (my own sarcasm shows it's ugly head).

i re-read it again and i don't see emotional abuse ... maybe insensitivity, not quite emotional abuse. it's really unfair to say that. the term abuse should be saved for people who are really receiving emotional abuse otherwise it's *abusing* the word abuse.

 

i'm actually pretty freaking awesome to live with. i rock. for the right man.

and i think abuse has many many levels. some more subtle than others. my father, now he rails and yells and insults and criticises constantly. but my birth father, now he was more subtle...until he'd just lose it and start hitting. both were hellish, though. i can deal with my dad. he just likes people to stand up to him. it's his habit. he's crusty but it hides a deep and abiding tenderness. my birth father could LOOK gentle, but his barb were much more specific, direct and deeply burning.

 

those are all things i consider perfectly valid, good for you. however, kneeling at the feet of someone insulting you is just begging for more insults. if you're into that, that's cool. but otherwise, no.

 

also the poster stated in her first and second message that SHE resented her role and felt evil. that tells much about how SHE might be treating those around HER.

 

could be, but then, i get a guilt complex every time i'm not perfect polly homemaker and the greatest most nicest doormat friend ever. that's been pounded into my head since birth by a couple of dads who never had a good thing to say about anyone. my husband, ironically, is the one who forces me to talk and let it out. before then i had to be perfect in every way and felt like flaying myself alive if i wasn't.

i came to understand how much the vicious abuse my mother suffered rubbed off on me. but i'm strong, i can still learn. i totally broke free of my martyr complex and haven't regretted it a moment since. it's a egoism to think that every time something goes wrong it must be ALL YOU. because why? you think you're the one in control all the time. no one else can POSSIBLY be guilty, because they're just marionettes in your puppet show.

it's very nice for you that you have a sugar daddy husband. most of us don't. finances place a huge strain on everyone. paying bills without enough money, a man streesed that his dreams of wealth and supporting his family aren't met. it tears apart marriages all the time. because people take it out on the one right next to them. refusing to be put in a position of blame taker is a good step in the direction of maintaining a marriage without it ending in beatings, abuse or someone killing the other in the bed.

 

sugar daddy? = sweet husband? yes, it is very nice i have a sweet husband. i'm sorry most of you don't.

we've had our tough times ... 18 years is a long time to build up a life together. when we first had kids i breastfed, washed diapers, and walked everywhere to save money. we had one car and only his income. it was all worth it. he worked hard for his money and deserves every penny of it.

 

It's actually kindof interesting watching this faceoff between KC, the liberated and strong woman, vs. Deviant, who appears to be stuck in a twilight zone episode from the 50s. Maybe we could get Posthumous to wear a bikini and hold up cards between rounds.

 

To me a good wife would be good company, honest and loyal, and a mom you'd want to raise kids should you have them.
Nothing more. To expect anything more to fit the criteria of "good wife" is kinda self-centered and egotistical if you ask me.
Well, ok, to be sexually reasonable.
You're not really responsible by role for much more than that, it's all team management.

Why would you WANT to drive the super-feminist bitch out of you?
feminism can be a wondering thing, a motivator, provided it's pro-woman and positive and not hate-driven.
You're a relatively young person whose brain may be capable of taking you anywhere. Being a good wife damned well better not mean denying yourself the option of being a great person.
And whoever doesn't like that.. f. 'em.
A good husband is someone who'd support that mentality, one must be equally concerned with what makes a husband good.

 

does it take more strength to blow a husband off who wants to show is wife love by having sex with her because (insert reason)?

or

does it take more strength to dig down deep and receive the love a husband shows to his wife by not saying no to sex?

 

First off, you have to get the mindset sorted out.
It's not a matter of which takes more strength, it's a matter of deciding which you should be applying yourself to. You'll find the strength in decisiveness and reason, but you need an opinion of your own on which means more.

I read through some more of the thread now, and it appears your stance is you should have sex because he's a great guy. You're really coming off as someone who's put herself in a position she doesn't like, but has all the reason in the world to be there. Ghandi was a great guy, and for the life of me I don't think I could sex the guy. His being a great guy or competent person should have no bearing on whether or not your "let him" have sex.

If you're asking these questions, well, maybe you're not a good wife and/or vice versa. Not necessarily by anyone's wrongdoings or faults, but because love's not there. Maybe it's the "marriage" and not the husband or wife.
Or maybe you're at another stage in life where it feels time to accomplish things and continue living, and he's deeper in the relationship aspect of life or behind you.

edit: I just want to add "damn, wtf did I walk into?" lol.
Also, have you told your husband how you feel?
I could not imagine myself knowing my wife had this on her mind and being content to hope she just settles.

 

good questions fj.

the saying *strong independent woman* can be skewed in many directions. for some women it means ALWAYS doing what she wants to do regardless of anyone else in her life. does the word independent really belong in a marriage *partnership/relationship*? indpendent implies *alone/single/free*.

i guess my passion for my marriage and my husband has gotten lost in these threads. my husband and marriage IS my first priority. women think much differently than men regarding sex and many issues in marriages from what i've encountered. i know men want women to have sex with them for the same reasons men want to have sex with women .. and sometimes we do ... but men DO have a higher sex drive than women and sometimes, we women, get busy/lazy or just *don't feel like it* more often than our husbands would like. have you ever encountered this with your own wife? husbands today will say *i don't want to you do it if you don't want to* .. well, if she's busy with kids, etc. chances are she won't want to more often than not. we just don't have the drive that most men do, especially after children ... it's nature, we can't help it.

you wouldn't have sex with Ghandi because you think he's not physically attractive. if i was married to a great man like Ghandi, i would be turned on by him as a man, his passion for peace. it's an honor to be married to a great man and have him to come you(me/her) for physical love. for a woman, because we think more emotionally, it's easy for us to change our perspectives ... negative (ooooh Ghandi is so ugly, yuck ... or wow, Ghandi is a great man-what a turn on).

you mis-quote my intentions when you refer to it as *letting him* have sex. of course, many women would view it as that so i can understand where someone might misinterpret what i'm saying. it's not about *letting him* it's about *receiving him* or better yet *receiving his physical love*. when a man comes to his wife for physical love and she shoots him down for whatever reason ... what does a man think about that?

i've been pretty opinionated on this board. does it seem like i have no opinion of my own. when i disagree with my husband, which really isn't too often because we typically agree on just about everything .... i don't *push my opinion down his throat*. i voice it, i don't make it the end of the world, unless it's extremely important.

i will share a time when we vehemently disagreed with each other and i did make the end of the world. i was pregnant with our second child. i hated being in the hx when i had my first child so i wanted to have a homebirth with our second. my husband was dead set against this idea ... he said *absolutely no way, under any circumstances would we have this baby anywhere but a hx. your (me) life and the life the baby are too important to risk not being where medical attention was readily available*. i was so mad that he wouldn't even consider it. in my mind i thought, he can't make me go to a hx ... screw him. but i'm also clever. i did my research and proved to him that the homebirth was actually safer and better than the hx birth. i compromised and we toured the hx, i filled out the paperwork in case we went to the hx, i worked with a doctor and midwife, and i agreed if there were any complications i would go to the hx. after he saw the research i presented he agreed we could give the homebirth a shot. he was a mess that day, i knew he would be, so i hired a doula (labor coach) to remove the labor coach burden from him. she supported both of us. i had the second baby at home and it was an awesome experience. now he wouldn't do it any other way.

i have sex with my husband because i'm in love with him. i have sex with him because i know he's in love with me. when he comes to me to show me ANY physical love i would never push that away ... NEVER.

the two questions above your post are to trigger thinking outside the *modern day/feminst box*. agreed the concepts sound strange at first.

 

i suppose, by the same token, that a man should have to dig down deep and listen to his wife when he doesn't want to. typically sexual issues arise in a marriage when there's other problems not being addressed. my husband and i have a brilliant sex life because my emotional needs are met fully.

for women not fortunate enough to have a sugar daddy to spoil them completely while they stay home and enjoy themselves, it's a lot tougher and uglier than that. working outside the home, then working IN the home. exhaustion, frustration, depression and any number of other things ending in "-ion." added to that the constant care and contact with children and a lack of any time to be alone and mentally recovery...it's not wonder a lot of women say no.

a more extreme case is a couple i know who literally ONLY have sex twice a year. no fucking joke, no fucking exaggeration. they've both confessed it freely. i can't even understand that. she keeps her house up, works, her children are beautiful and well cared for. but for the life of me i can't understand how the hell he puts up with her. so far as i'm concerned, that man deserves sainthood and a state funded mistress.

but within every relationship a balance must be found. it depends on the people in it. calling for all women to subjugate themselves before men who many not have earned it AT ALL is assinine. in a relationship where the roles are reversed, i'd consider it evil, petty, power mad bitchiness. it's not difference here in this situation.

the OP watched the women in her life breaking their backs for men who didn't fulfill their role. had they done so the OP would probably have a completely different feeling about marriage and "wifely duties." it's not so much feminist bitch as "for fuck's sake, do YOUR job and then we can discuss how i'm a failure." it's gotta be fair, or it's not gonna work.

 

hehe. i actually don't see the point in going around and around and around. we've both made the same points again and again. and sice both of us are supremely satisfied with our marriage, we're not likely going to change each other's minds AT ALL. i guess what y'all can take away from this little exhange is that it's different stroke for different folks and no one set of behaviors and habits will work for everyone.

 

from what i understand a man does dig down deep when he's rejected by his wife ... when she's say NO, the answer is NO. if he forces himself on her, it's called RAPE. SHE controls the sex, yet his sex drive is stronger by nature - i think it's an interesting dynamic. sexual issues arise for a number of reasons, fatigue being most prominent. loss of libido, for her, after childbirth is a biggie. and other reasons.

twice a year .. sheesh! poor guy.

every woman can have a sweet husband (or sugar daddy as you call it), even if he doesn't make tons of money. spoil him, he'll spoil her back. there's a great scene in godfather II, before Don Corleone was *the godfather*, he was young and newly married. he brings his wife a piece of fruit at the end of his day. she fusses over it and is/acts greatful for the gift. later he becomes wealthy and continues his generosity. it doesn't matter whether it's a diamond or a pinecone from the park ... it's the loving gesture that's important.

 

Well, I think at least we can all agree on one thing: I would totally do Ghandi.