want vs. need

accurate. although that post was just a song lyric that her post reminded me of for some reason, i think just because they were structured similarly.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHTdrPL22-Y"]The Who -- See Me, Feel Me -- Live at Woodstock 1969 - YouTube

 

Ok, wants and needs in a relationship, whether it be mate material or friendship, need is essentially preference. True need cannot be met through others. If someone can't meet needs, that is their right, not a flaw. It then is our own decision what we do with it. Accept or move on.

So with friendship, it has evolved that I can accept all their differences from me as long as they are reliable when they make plans with me. So in that I have found that what truly matters is that we mutually follow through. Therefore, I have a diverse set of friends with a diverse set of interests, but they all know how to commit and follow through. Therefore, I myself, have gotten to have many adventures because I do that too.

When it comes to mate material, being relaxed and genuine are the measures I look for in myself. That sets the stage for openness and graciousness. So decisions are filled with honest input, and willing participation, and a concern for each other's happiness.

That is where discovery comes in.

So regarding career: when I was in technical publishing, I was promoted to a study coordinator position. In it, I attained prestige and income. Six months into trying it, I find out that neither truly mattered to me. What I wanted was time and lower stress.

Similarly, as I became entrenched in my community surrounded by ambition and fast pace, I could see how it wasn't the right path for me or my family. We didn't like to rush around, and didn't like to be super busy. I made deliberate steps to deviate from the "norm", and do it our own way. It meant that on saturday mornings, we slept in, had late breakfast, etc and didn't run around squeezing life in. After school, we had time for an ice cream. During school breaks, we explored an interest. Nothing was real organized or structured. I had to say "no" to a lot of the busy activities of my peers.

So to me....wants are like priority. What really matters.

 

wait, rdh, is it seattle or somewhere else that you live?

 

I'm in southern california at the moment. Are you gonna buy me a plane ticket to ohio or something? just..kidding.

 

if he does buy you a plane ticket here, you might get to see, feel, and touch me. i'm already healthy as a horse though.

 

y u say "location space needle"

 

cuz I love and miss seattle and if I could magically live anywhere it'd be in the space needle, I guess..
I suppose my state of mind is there- I'm sort of a space case.
Also, setting california as my location just seems too boring.
I plan on relocating to washington or oregon sometime in the future.

 

I can agree with this. Without the pursuit of happiness we'd be pretty miserable. The trick is to somehow balance your happiness for as long as possible.

 

I just remembered something I learned in a psychology course. Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This makes even more sense to me now.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

 

ok, I see you being there

this is how I see things could work out

stage 1: you and undies check out and post on each others threads

stage 2: one of you pm's the other. could be about some random thread related thing. Or it could just be something along the lines of "hi ya". You want undies to be the one to pm you first, but don't worry if he doesn't. if it takes him a while, go ahead and pm him first. Undies, you should realize though that pm'ing first will score you some points with her.

stage 3: if everything goes well with stage 2, you begin to communicate regularly. Don't turn it into something where you have to communicate with each other everyday, unless that's the way it works out. Otherwise, it becomes a chore

Also at this stage, you exchange pics

stage 4: if everything goes well at stage three, you make plans to meet each other. Since you have a kid and a cat, traveling might be difficult for you, but I see it as you going to Ohio to see him first. You meet for coffee, then see how things go from there

stage 5: I'm not so sure about the stage 4 details, but lets assume that stage 4 goes ok. Undies may visit you in Cali, but it might be good for you to be in seattle by stage 5. So let's say you're in seattle.

you're officially a couple at this point, but probably best not to have any big commitments, since you are in an ldr.

undies makes you laugh, and you find that you really like that in a bf. You laugh at undies jokes, and undies likes having a gf that laughs at his jokes.

undies is very different from the men that you've dated in the past. this will take some getting used to, but you find that you much prefer him to the other men you've dated.

Undies has the some of the commitment phobia that men typically have, but he's also been thinking that he doesn't like the idea of being alone in his 30's.

Undies much prefers the idea of living in seattle to life in small town Ohio, and even though undies isn't ready to commit yet, you both agree that it makes sense for him to make plans to move. Undies has been thinking that he'd like to live some place else for a while now, but having a gf in seattle makes the transition easier

stage six: if all goes well in stage 5, undies moves to seattle, and you see each other on a regular basis

now, please keep in mind, this could fail at any one of these stages, but I think that things could work out this way.

even if things collapse at any one of the stages, I think that there is a very good chance that looking back, you find it all worthwhile.

 

Very clever indeed! lol. Well, I sent him a message. What if during one of these stages, I realize that I'm in love with you though...

 

mmmm... it probably would have been better to wait for him to contact you

it will complicate things if undies sees you as trying to play the field. of course, you're just in the flirting stage now, but the less commitment you show to him, the harder it will be for him to commit back.

doing things that make him jealous might help in someways, but if he sees you as using that as a tool to control him, it will back fire on you.

you're certainly free to choose who you are interested in. it's probably best to focus on one person at a time if you have ltr goals though.


falling in love with me would only make you miserable. relationships were once something very important to me, but I've encountered enough negativity from females that relationships no longer interest me. I just don't give a shit anymore.

making relationships work takes effort, and I simply have no desire to make the effort.

even if magically my interest in relationships were restored, I know my own heart. you are not the one.

 

I was sort of joking as I didn't know if you were serious about all this.
Honestly though, I take love seriously and have always fought for it, chased after it, and believed in it. I've always been in search of my soul mate (twin flame) especially at this time. I thought I found him recently actually but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been hurt a lot and figured I'd give love and relationships a rest but I just can't. People tell me I need to spend time alone. I feel I need a love in my life though even though I could be confusing this with wanting a love in my life..

 

You cannot truly reach the top arch without throwing away the Esteem arch, for the esteem arch (even the elusive "confidence") derives on ego, social cues-and-rules, and treating each other poorly. A self-actualized dude will probably not be the king of a party.

You can be "self-actualized" in attitude, but you'll soon find that makes you ignored or not exactly "respected" or highly esteemed by others (who live in an ego-mob world). It's probably better to understand the importance of esteem and ego, even borrow from it, while leaving the self-actualization stuff as a hobby, or meditation, or in small bursts. Or when you live in an environment that's ready to support that. :sunny:

 

well, I've been half-joking in the thread.

I was quite serious about why I'm not a relationship candidate though.

well, there's a difference between needing a relationship to feel really fulfilled, and needing a relationship to function (I don't know what level of need you are talking about)

if you need a relationship to function, then it's bad. I think it basically dooms any relationship because that level of need messes things up.

if you are ok with being single, that's the time to think about being in a relationship

 

what if at some point i realize i'm actually in love with e7m8?

aha! nothing against males i see...

 

is it better to have something one wants or needs?:

wants

explain please:

even though one would probably think "needs", i think if you have something you want then as a person you'll be happier in the end. no cons to that

 

lol.

e7m8 was right though...you make me laugh, which in turn, makes me want you..

 

...well, it seems the two of you have something in common already