The It's just wrong joke thread

my dad just told he's fucked my wife and made her pregnant.
"I really don't know where this leaves us,son" he said.








You should've seen his face when I said "Even".

 

A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot..

 

I'm in trouble again.


Apparently she wanted me to go at it LIKE a rabbit-not WITH a rabbit.


Sigh.

 

An old woman was waiting for a bus at a bus stop. Soon she was joined by a man, his wife and his 4 children.
When the bus eventually turned up it only had space for about another 5 people, so the man told his wife and kids to hurry and squeeze on to the bus and he'd wait for the next one, taking no notice of the old woman as the bus set off.
The old woman, being highly offended by the lack of respect, started tapping her wooden walking stick on the ground gradually getting louder and louder until the man said, "You know, you can get bits of rubber to put on the end of your stick so it doesn't make as much noise."
The old woman snapped back, "Well, if you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick we all would have been able to get on that bus!"

 

While looking at my birth certificate the other day, the question suddenly came upon me, if I was born in an Amsterdam cathouse to a prostitute that services foreign tourists, would that not make me a citizen of at least 7 different countries?


Postscript: I mentioned to a friend that, just like the typical half-alien half-human baby motif in Sci Fi stories, I must be destined to bring about world peace.

He answered, 'Jesus Christ, man!!!!'

'Hmmmmmm...' I responded, 'I guess you are right. Wow.'

 

What do you call 8 Mexicans standing in quicksand?

Ochocinco!

 

This one is fucked up...

Q: What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?


A: You can't fuck a rock.

 

Eight seminarians were being tested by the Cardinal to become priests. The Cardinal made them all get naked and tie bells to their wanks. Then he brought in a floozie from the local strip club and told them that if their bell went off they were out. She did the hoochie coo in front of each one, and none of the bells went off till the last guy. It went off so hard, his wank flung the bell on the floor. An alter boy came in and bent over to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

 

A blonde walks into a dry cleaner to have a short and tight black dress cleaned.
As she steps out the door after dropping it off, the woman at the counter says, "Come again."
She turns around and glares at the woman. "No! This time it's toothpaste. Nosy bitch!"

 

So-Gaddafi was discovered in drainpipes.


What next,Ahmedinijad in Chinos?

 

"Ireland's worst air disaster in history occurred at 3:15 AM local time this morning, when a tiny 2-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues on into the night."

 

A man finds himself standing before St. Peter at the gates of Paradise, asking to be let in. St. Peter asks, "have you ever done anything of particular merit?"

"Well, once I was driving up through the mountains when I came across a motorcycle gang assaulting this young woman. I hollered for them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't. So I walked up to the biggest, most tattooed biker. I smacked him on the forehead, pushed over his bike, tore out his nose ring, threw it on the the ground, and told him 'leave her alone, or you'll answer to me!"

"Wow," St Peter exclaimed, "when did this happen?"

To which the man replied, "Oh, about five minutes ago."

 

Another religious joke...lol at the baptist dance joke btw.

A man dies, and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to Hell. The Devil himself meets the man at the gates of Perdition and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but Hell isn't all that bad of a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"

The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I smoked 3 packs a day all my life."

"Oh, good then," the Devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. You'll love Mondays. Do you like to drink?"

The man answers, "Well, I was an alcoholic for 35 years."

The Devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks. You'll love Tuesdays. Do you like to get high?"

"Ah, you know," the man says, "when I was young I kinda experimented."

"Great then!" the Devil exclaims, "you'll love Wednesdays." The Devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and smoke, snort, and shoot up, all kinds of different drugs. You'll just love Wednesdays."

"Oh, by the way," asks the Devil, "Are you gay?"

"Hell no," the man replies, "I hate fags!"

The Devil look at him, and says, "Ah, man, you're gonna hate Thursdays."

 

Last one, I promise. Not "wrong" but meh...

A man meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The man notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "A terrible storm came up, just fearsome, and it swept me overboard. The men scrambled to pull me up, and a shark jumped clear outta the water and bit me leg clean off."

"Wow!" says the man. "What about your hook?"

"Arr," answers the pirate, "we was boarding a ship and the enemy crew was attacking. The captain drew a sword on me and cut me hand clear off to the wrist."

"Incredible!" says the man. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull shit in my eye," the pirate says.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the man asks.

"D'gharr," says the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

 

What did the pedophile say after getting out of prison?

A: "Man, I feel like a kid again!"

 

Pretty good jokes Revenant79, but I had to comment on this one:

I could just see this in a 'Father Ted' episode!!! It only lasted a season and a half, because the main actor died from too much partying. But I especially laughed when I read this as I could see a Father Ted episode around that. If you have never seen Father Ted, look them up on the web, there are CD's out with all the epsiodes. I believe it was made by the BBC.

 

After reading this thread,I have become totally desensitised to bad jokes...

 

I can actually visualise how they'd do it too. Father Dougal would be responsible for it, after having an air-plane flying lesson.

Oh, it was produced by Hat Trick Productions for British tv channel Channel 4.

 

Wife comes home early and catches her husband having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow-job of his life. After it he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and now this, why?" she answers "I mopped the floor this morning and I'd rather brush my teeth than mop the fucking floor again!!"

Also

3 nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. First nurse says cant let that go to waste and rides him. Second nurse does the same. Third nurse hesitates and says she is on her period but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. Man replies saying he was but after 2 jump starts and a blood transfusion he feels better than ever!

:daisy:

 

I love it! And maybe the drunk father participates by trying to step out of the plane.