The 'Failed' coming out

not much point in responding to anything is there.... obviously, I'm just changing the meaning of things to argue...

 

It's a pretty complex debate which I'm interested in, retrospectively and presently. The difficulty is my Mum's moods have been changing so radically over the last few days, not even I can sustain anger or pain or happiness. One minute she's treating me normally and buying me little treats like a Bakery Roll I enjoy ... the next she's blaming me for my sister's paranoia about it all .... the next she's just treating me regularly. I think that indicates I can't be mad, glad and sad about it all at once, so i'm just going to run with the flow for a while. She seems to know i'm gay, and she's not blanking it, so that's good.

As for the dramatic effect, I would have more than loved to tell my parents i'm gay without them getting in a twist about it.

 

well Kipp, you will have to let her deal with it in her own fashion. Either she will get past it and realize you are her son no matter what your lifestyle choices are, or she won't.

I would imagine that she flips back and forth, because she forgets for a moment or two about it, and treats you as a human again, then her mind kicks into gear and she starts the whole blame game in her own mind, which sets her off on a roller coaster of emotions.

As it stands with you living at home, you have no choice but to deal with it and neither does she, which was why I said it is better if you don't do things like this while living at home.

Contrary to some peoples opinion, this is not about hiding it, it is about not talking about your sex life with your parents when there is no escape afterwards. Once you move out on your own, you can tell them this and be away from them while they deal with their own demons.

Right now, it is all an immediate thought to reaction stage in your home. One of them think about this, it bothers them, and you are right there to keep it in the forefront of their minds, which is the worst place to deal with emotional issues.

 

I agree with you Tom. In retrospect I would have waited but I guess 7 or 8 years of knowing and at least a year of desperately wanting to be out just got to me.

That said, my Mum now has around a year and a bit to get over it. A friend of mine has a room spare for the 3rd year of Uni so i'm moving out

 

Stigandr-- not coming out doesn't mean you're being dishonest. It just means you're choosing to keep your sexuality private. There's a big difference between privacy and dishonesty.

I suppose if you were dating women to prove to your parents you aren't gay, then that would be dishonest... but if you're just not telling them about it because it's none of their business, that's just being private.

Maybe it depends on your personality, but I personally don't feel emotionally taxed at all by not publicly identifying myself as 'gay' or 'straight'-- but that could also be because I find those concepts extremely shallow and misleading. Of course, by not identifying myself as one or the other, then most people probably assume I'm straight, but I'm not responsible for how they perceive me, and to be perfectly honest, I don't expect they put so much effort into it because I tend not to wonder too much about their sex lives either.

And for some of the people I have known I might have mentioned that I'm seeing someone and if they find out it's a guy and they get all excited about their new gay friend, I just tell them to relax because nothing has changed, and to tell the truth, it helps everyone accept it as something more natural, less exotic, less exciting, and less commercial... which is pretty much how I like it.

The worst thing a gay person can do is pity themselves... just because you like men, it doesn't mean there aren't people out there who don't have it much much worse. Added to that is the fact that it's a lot more socially acceptable to be gay nowadays... maybe in high school it's tough but that's true for everyone-- but people get over it, and by the time you're in your 20s nobody really cares anymore. People in high school will also bully you if you're skinny, if you're girly, if you're fat, if you're ugly, if you're pretentious... gay people haven't cornered the market on being targeted by bullies.

 

it's just a question of time. it's depends only of your maturity. time will solve this questions very soon.




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Everyone Invited:
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What if someone asks you? I don't suppose you would suggest lying. If you are honest, is that not the same as coming out?

The only problem is that sometimes it's hard to just be private. People like to know things and will ask. Also, some people consider not telling the truth to be the same as lying. I'm not really one of these people, but there is some dishonesty in withholding the truth in order to deceive.

But whatever. I just feel like people shouldn't have to be afraid to admit their sexual preferences, and I'll leave it there.

Well, I don't like those categories either, and I really don't think there's a need to announce anything publicly, but purposefully avoiding the issue when it comes up (and it DOES) is just deliberate repression.

I agree with this. If you're this honest with everyone who asks, then you are out, regardless of who already knows or who doesn't.

AHAHAHA

Sure.

The whole anti-gay thing ... that's only for gay people under 20.

Homophobes are only phobic of YOUNG gays.

 

Stig-- to be honest, you sound like one of those 'Look at me, I'm gay' types.

If I asked you to tell me your credit card number and its expiry date, would you seriously tell me? Keep in mind that if you don't tell me, you're a liar.. and probably a coward as well.

Homophobia is only a big problem with people who advertise-- most of the time, if you choose the right friends and don't make yourself into some sort of icon, everybody's pretty cool about it. But I suppose that's just my experience.

The reason homosexuality is a big deal for young people is because everyone at that age gets wound up about sex and sexuality in general... later on people tend to mellow out about it a lot more.

 

Heywood's right actually. I've been out for about a month now and it's just normal now, in some respects. Still, my relatives don't know, but that'll happen whenever it happens, hopefully over the Summer. All my friends treat it as normal now though, and I must admit, the 'I want to tell everyone!' thing has already mellowed out Now i'm just thinking about the future, and the perfect guy.