Terribly confused, opinions please?

Don't let a man define you. I understand that having someone that loves us just as we are and to whom we're important is a very pleasant feeling, but you don't need that person to be complete.
If this guy chooses to fuck around instead of sticking to monogamy, which is what you want, and tries to fool you then I'm sure you're much better off without him.
Once a man cheats he hardly goes back, so 2nd chances are not advisable either, immo.
It might be hard, but now you must learn how to love yourself again and feel that you're independent and worthy. And never again let your happiness depend entirely on a man - it's way too risky.

 

Thanks Coffeescent, your right, it is to risky and it won't ever happen again.
I've just about have come to the conclusion that i've treated my ex husband and now this husband to good. I've seen people treat their spouses so good and just about worship the ground their spouse walks only for that spouse to turn around and crap on them. Then i've seen people treat their spouse like crap and their spouse ends up loving them. What the heck? It's confusing!

 

Yeah, I know!

I guess where men are concerned that popular saying "less is more" is correct.

 

seemsto me a typical case of im so grateful to have you i'll let you walk all over me
and on his side, ..shes not goin nowhere i can do whatever the fuck i want and she'll just be happy to have me.

its not that u treat him too good, its that u put up with tioo muchh, you dont stand yup for yourself, and if it starts a argument you simply drop the subject..what will make him change if he can just yell alittle and u back down?

walk out
not saying jump to divorce.. but walk out
tell him hes got a choice to make, either he knocks off the shit, or he loses you.

if he does try to fix things, and he does seem to, id try trusting alittle but wouldnt stop checking up on him for a good while
he may just hide his actions better.
really im not sure hes worth a second chance, only u can decide that
but i feel your comparing two evils, 1 ex that devastated u, and one that built you up while screwwing you to the wall behind your back.
neithers good 1 was just more direct in his dammages, the other sneaky.
you dont need another marriage till you find someone u can truly trust.

i wouldnt start treatting guys bad hoping they respect you more, but id definatly stand up for yourselfd and refuse to be mistreatted.
that earns u respect.
sometimes it involves fighting, thats what u see as treatting them bad, but its not, its fighting for what u need in as relationship which earns u respect.
rolling over and accepting things only gets u abused more.
use your voice and say enoufgh is enough and back it up with actions.
trust me, the day u walk out on him will be the 1st day he ever takes your feelings seriusly.
and he'll either try to chsnge, or you will be free.either way you win.

 

Thanks Soaringeagle, i guess i do need to try and confront him again. Maybe he will talk about it this time.

 

no maybe, just tell him, i want to talk about this, please come in the kitchen when your ready to talk.
but, if we dont talk about this..theres nothing to talk about. then walk away..
sit down and wait..
give him awhile to think about it.. but if he doesnt come go to a freind or relatives and ask to stay with em till hes ready
if he never is u got your answer

 

The act of cheating is not the same as the act of love. That much should be obvious. Now, if you're asking whether open relationships are possible in general: who cares? What matters is what works for you.

 

I'll try that Soaringeagle, i hope that works but i've got a feeling that it won't, just from the way it went the last time. But i'll try it, thanks.

Open relationships are out of the question Chera. Not possible in this relationship, if that is what he wants, then he needs to tell me and then tell me to go. He should have never married me if i am not enough for him. There are just to many diseases out there for him to be playing around with others. He puts me at risk by doing that.

 

Good for you, stand up for yourself. I would approach him with proof and force him to talk about it, if he refuses leave.

 

Sounds like your question isn't really about whether or not he loves you, but whether or not he acts in a way that you want him to act.

 

hi again..
this is probably overdue and not of much help but just to reply to your question:
the fact that my boyfriend made ads of himself and cybered/ had phone sex with others makes me feel horrible about myself. i can't lie. he said it wasn't about me.. but i can't help but think of what I did in this situation to make him want to do this stuff.

It turns me off too. I wasn't sure if i was going to be able to be intimate with him again knowing he was trying to do the same stuff with other people. it still gets to me. how do i know he's not going to go to these outlets again?

he now knows that i can't be with him while he's cybering and putting sex ads for himself on the internet. he says he didn't see it as a form of cheating. now that him and i have both come to an understanding of what's ok and what's not ok, he and i can only have faith in each other's judgement, that neither he nor i will partake in activities that could hurt one another.

it's difficult and i'm not over what happened. i realized that if i wanted another run at this, that he and i would have to come to an agreement, and that he and i would have to instill trust in one another again. it has been rough and we still get into arguements about what happened. i'm giving it time but i'm not going to drag myself through misery. i care about him a lot and love him so much, but i cannot be with someone who would consistently do hurtful things behind my back. and i wont go back to being that person.
i hope things work out well for you in this situation

 

I know I'm weighing in on this kinda of late but, yes someone can love you and still cheat on you, but he obviously has no respect for you.

While it may be natural for the male of all species to want to procreate with as many females as possible he took a marriage vow to be faithful to you. Whether he is seeing these other women because of a problem (addiction) or simply because he wants to he is putting his pleasure above your marriage. He sounds very selfish and inconsiderate of you, your feelings and your health.

If you do confront him on it again I would ask him what is lacking in your marriage. If he doesn't answer or have one that makes sense, then leave. You mentioned that you want him to tell you to leave but it isn't up to him. You need have respect for yourself and realize that you deserve better and be strong enough to leave on your own. If your waiting for him to make the decision for you, you might as well settle in for a lifetime of this treatment.

Just going on what you have said here I personally would have given him one chance to explain when I first found out about it. No answer or an unsatisfactory one and then I would have been history. There are too many things to enjoy in this world to waste your time on someone who is making you miserable.

 

Confused, Sarahrei is correct. Healthy relationships require love and trust. Trust once lost is almost impossible to regain. The key here is not what he is doing, only that he is being dishonest.

As for why can't he be satisfied with one...that is the age old question that divides the genders. Some of us love and absolutely adore our partners but still pursue other relationships. We never deceive each other, nor do we think that love should ever be a cage. Jealousy is just a fearful and selfish response to a poor self image. We follow the only sane path for us, and it is called polyamory!

 

You know what else is really screwed up? If i get online he accuses me of looking for someone or having someone on the side. He has even gone as far as getting jealous of one of HIS friends. This is screwed up! So now i've got to pay for his nasty guilty conscience? WTF, i'm not the one looking for sex, cyber sex whatever else he does.

I tried talking to him about it without letting him know that i've seen and read what he has been doing. I wanted to blow up so bad and scream and yell at him and ask him what the _ was his problem! Instead i just left and rode around on the interstate yelling and screaming in the car. Once i got that out of my system, i came back and had a talk with him and told him that i didn't want my husband talking nasty to anyone online or anywhere else and let him know where i stand on cheating and that i'm highly against it.

He sat there and listened, acted totally innocent, and agreed that he believed what i believed and that he would not cheat on me in any way. Thats been a couple of weeks ago. I told myself that i wouldn't go back and check those websites that he belonged to again, but now i have and guess what, he's still in there having himself a good ole time. Even has it in his profile that he is married and looking for others that are married. WTF is his problem?

He has no idea what this has done to our relationship. All the trust i had in him is gone. How can he sit there and look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me, tell me that i'm the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and bla bla bla bla bla bla!

I AM SOOOO STUPID!

 

It sounds to me like, even though it's a hard thing to do and I know from personal experience, you need to get out of this relationship. He doesn't respect you. He just wants to control you and see how much he can get away with, or just wants to do what he wants to do without any thought to your opinion and feelings on the matter.

That's not love. He doesn't love you. You can't have real true love without the respect. It's one of those important keys to any relationship. And on that same line, you shouldn't have any respect for him.

If he's not willing to take your feelings into account or care that this hurts you, then he isn't worth this and you'll find someone who will respect you and only want to be with you, or even single, you may be better off. There are perks to both positions in life. But, staying in something like this will only continue to make you hurt.