Tell truthfully how you became a junkie.

Honestly, in spite of being high now on various shit...dope too...and in spite of my devil may care attitude when I'm not high, I actually love life and love myself; that, however is forged together with some serious loathing of the human race including myself. I live in a constant duality as such. Drugs are just an immediately effective means to the end that is either fucking off life in favor of trances, euphoric bliss, or even outright emotional numbness, or, it's about disappearing into nothingness, living out dream-like states of surreal fantasy, or sometimes about becoming stable enough to leave my room. I haven't even dated or fucked a woman since 2010 because I don't want someone becoming attached to the mess I've become. It's miserable to live in rave central right near the LSD triangle, to know almost nightly a band as cool My Bloody Valentine or Swirlies play nightly, to live where gorgeous women whose motto is NSA, and to know simultaneously why kid myself into thinking I'll ever have a vinyl record collection as the one I lost again because my fucking health, vitality, and sanity--tenuous as they wrere but manageable so long as my girl smiled and said she loved me. we even experimented with polyamory! Those days were replaced with agonies that come in all sorts of torturous forms, and just when I think it can't get anu worse, sure as the sun does shine. I used to be a boozer, but didn't care for puking, embarrassment, black outs, or hangovers. But what could do better at suppression than Jager? Well, I quickly learned opiates coupled with benzodiazepines, muscle relaxers, barbiturates, and funky shit like orphenadrine, promethazine, hydroxyzine, scopolamine, and a few other opiate potentiaters and of course, medical grade marijuana (my fave being that new USB powered eVaporizer with a cartridge made from the hash oil of AK-47 or Skywalker OG do the job best. But alas, keeping up with my JONESES is a ruthless task. For instance... keep dodging mgmt at my building, so I bet, since it's been that sorta month...take that back, few years...no. It's been that kinda life. In all seriousness I typically don't run outta scripts early like this month. But getting a script to thee strongest opiate (some opioids like fentanyl or levorphanol obviously take the cake, but just ain't satisfying in quite the ways codeine and morphine and how hydrogenated and oxygenated analogues, i.e. hydro or oxycodone/morphone. Oxymorphone is my favorite among favorites. So luscious and so damned powerful that at the peak of a habit of slamming 24-32mg hydromorphone daily which is short acting but considerably stronger by double, maybe triple that of oxymorphone, and all day every day in between shots of 8-16mg a shot or snorting ~20mg six times a day of oxymorphone, theorized as being 6x more potent than heroin (so hydromorphone though only two hours tops would at most be ~18x stronger than heroin); ain't no junk unless it's fentanyl passing as "China White" you're ever gonna find that'll get you sufficiently high at just 4mg. I'm putting the kibosch on this shit. My arms are scarred and riddled with collapsed veins, but worse, getting inthe habit of chasing a dragon of that magnitude, kratom I cannot feel and have my doubts I could feel even four or five Tylenol #3's. I can do 90mg MS Contin orally (with a super hefty dose of will power) and barely get to where I'd like which is sad since once on the nod with the ridiculous amount it takes me, anything anymore lasts ⅔ what it once did, so say I swallow 90 mg over snorting it, I'll wind up with mild withdrawal until I've got about 3-4x that orally. I don't know HOW to say, "Doc, 2 40mg Opana ain't cuttin it, perhaps 3 would? And the Dilaudid 8's, I really need more like 4 at least...but really wanna slam...uh...you know I mean swallow 6 daily. Thanks doc! You're a peach!" Yeah. Pipe dreams, better yet needle fantasies. I ironically had to go to NA as some court ordered b.s. and even got the judge to vouch for my successful completion of 90 days.
I don't have to go, but will be resuming of ny own accord. I ain't quitting psychedelic drugs, weed, or my scripts as prescribed--but tomorrow's a new day in which abuse is NOT. Is not an option. I wish I could say this stride forward was of my own volition, because truth be told my dope, amps, all of it including medical marijuana is free to me. I don't pay, I'm crippled and can't work so all you hard working taxpayers keep this dopeman well supplied with 100% legal drugs, at least one of every type in the extended home urine test, which ain't much different from Quest Diagnostic's... anyway my dope's bought with SSDI cash, which I don't work for. So thanks to you kind folks I have mammoth habits. Just not for much longer. Soon my cash cow's gonna be a hybrid of Alaskan Thunderfuck n' Maui Wowie. I figure a pot hybrid of two famous strains will have the nostalgic kitsch to make mucho hreen outta mucho other green. This will be my hobby keeping me from shooting up on the bathroom floor, bleeding on new jeans then nodding and birning cigarette holes in every sheet or blanket (that may also be blood stained as many sleeves, ties, and belts are too.
My main point is that change is necessary or death will become me if not incarceration or institutionalization. Grow healthy, legal (for me) pot and hang up my rigging days, go to NA willingly, and though not of their mindset since I'll never not see the marvels of smoking DMT or dropping LSD, which is okay in my book as not many NA folk don't drink copious cups of coffee and smoke a lot of cigarettes. Vices are part of the human condition and surely I'm not the first junkie to wish opium was innocuous and non-addictive. Benzos too. But reality is that anyone's better off eating shrooms, taking MDMA or 2C-B. But people naturally want escape and fear exploring the mind. I know I wouldn't touch shit like that five years ago, yet could rationalize shit loke cocaine, heroin, weed (which oh it's mildly psychologically addictive to all and heaviest of all drugs to some, but I'm pro ganj!), Xanax & Klonopin, even ketamine as it's a pleasure drug at normal doses snorted. Back then I'd never consider slamming a hallucinatory dose, whereas now I'm all about getting to know me, even the scary stuff.

 

It's a fucking sham and shameful thing when you snort, sell, & trade all your Dilaudid and Opana and run out earlier than normal and having to do run run for chiva and methadone and any fix day after day, any day until you can fill your next script. Especially when friends owe debts and you're kicking.

 

I have always had an addictive personality so I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, just wish it had been later. I was working the factory shift work and was beat down. Typical story, I know. I was really down in the shitter one day and a guy offered me a "pick me up", as he called it, what it was was a Perc 10. I was flying high and couldnt wait to relive that high again the next day. Of course that high never came back and I continued to seek it day after day. Soon the percs turned into handfulls, then it turned in to oxys, when that wasnt doing the trick it turned to done. That quickly became my darkest days. I was downing atleast 120mg of done every day. Which people may say "thats not bad" but when youre not going to a clinc and buying off the street it SUCKS! One day I had finally had enough and checked myself into rehab. Had I known the hell I was about to encounter detoxing from the done I would have just stepped in front of a mack truck since that is exactly what it felt like and I couldve saved some money. But finally I broke the hold. I have been taking suboxone now off and on for the past 4yrs. It has saved my somewhat productive life.

 

I just found my old post here. I was able to wean myself off to about 5mg a day of Hydro while pregnant but knew that even that amount would get my child taken from me. So about 3.5 weeks before my due date I went cold turkey. 2 days later I went into labor and delivered a perfect healthy baby girl and had nothing in my system. I now take 1-2mgs Suboxone per day. It is bought from someone who is prescribed it but is still using and 1 strip will last me 5-7 days. While I am not totally off opiates I do feel much better and more productive now that I am on Subs. My kids are healthy and happy. I am suffering from severe depression and bipolar disorder and nothing seems to help. The only thing that seems to work to kill the sadness is the 1x per month or so when we buy a Roxi and indulge...the rest of the time I feel so dull, alone, and like happiness just isn't out there for me. I think pills seriously fuck up your brain after a long period of time, like I can't be happy without them. Subs are like a savior. If I had more money I do feel more "normal" on about 4mg of Sub but that becomes a lot of money. I stay at home with the kids while my fiance works and some days the overwhelming feeling of sadness is almost too much. I sit here and wish for any type of opiate and know just ONE would make me feel so much better but I resist.

 

started in a few years ago when I had torn my acl and meniscus, had to get hernia surgery, had my wisdom teeth pulled, and had to get an infected cyst fixed, all in the span of a year. I guess they could be considered lower end surgeries, but it felt like i was in and out of that hospital. I had 2 seperate surgeries and after the second one on my meniscus replacement I had a pump that I had to carry with me that would just keep everything numb. nothing special, just to get my leg numb. the day after my second surgery somehow the pump came loose and I was in such god awful pain so they perscribed me some 10mg percocets. loved the feeling of laying down and happy when I was hurting all the time so I guess that's when it first started.

 

Cosmo I miss you dude. You were good people. Rest in Peace.

 

I miss him too. RIP :love:

 

Wait Cosmoknot passed?

 

Apparently. Not sure how. His last post was July 27, and the first RIP on his profile is dated Aug 20, so somewhere in that time frame. RIP dude, your posts were amazing to read. Sad, but amazing.

 

That trips me out that dude told it how it was. Anyone here that knew him in person ?!???

RIP man you ain't gotta worry about get a fix no more

 

I didn't know his real name or where he was from, except maybe Humboldt county, CA. So it's not really possible to check obituaries or news stories to find out what happened, unless someone here knew him personally.

 

My parents were crackheads all my life and thankfully have been clean for the past 5 years. my dad has had a surgery called spinal fusion where the fuse together vertebrae in your spine and fill them with metal springs and all types of nasty shit. needless to say he had an EXTREME amount of oxycontin and fetanyl patches plus viodins he had literally paper bags full of vicodins when i was little along with al the oxies and fetanyl. My house was fucked up, and I found the oxys when I was 14 and grabbed about 40 of them there were 30mg blues, I was used to the opiate high because all through my early childhood he would give us vicodin(me and my lil bro) and blow weed smoke at our faces so we would be quiet and goto sleep so they could smoke there crack in peace. I took 3 blues and began to overdose and asked one of my dad s friends what to do, he instructed me to take a hit of crack so I wouldn't OD, after that I was hooked on taking oxy's and smoking crack. I am 26yrs old now, and I finally got into a methadone program and have been clean for only 3 months but after a good 11yrs SOLID of using i feel fucking awesome. Somehow I managed to graduate highschiool and get an associates degree in computer science from a community college, now Im at Depaul university pursuing a degree in Network Engineering, Im so glad through all this drug abuse somehow my brain still works and I really jsut love to learn everything computer related! I have a lot of regret and made ALOT of mistakes and ruined alot of friendships and relationships, and everyhing has been crashing down on me lately since I am back to reality and I really feel all the shit I have done, but i really made up my mind to quit and surprisingly with th the help of methadone it fucking worked, I dont carve doing drugs @ all during the day probably cuz im on 80mg of methadone daily but oddly enough I DREAM ABOUT GETTING HIGH EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN NITE! ITS SO VIVID TOO, I SHOOT UP SMOKE CRACK FUCK STRIPPERS AND EVERYTHING BUT THEN I WAKE UP AND ITS ALL I DREAM, but overall man itw as fucke dup how i started and shit but I still love my parents and I am so py they have been clean for so many years, I wanna hold it against them sometimes but I jsut cant, I love them too much. They were so bad, my dad got a 500 thousand dollar settlement for hurting his back and they partied it ALL AWAY IN about 2 and a half years I heklped of course and they still owe 275 grand on the house cuz they refinanced but luckily my dad was in the military and gets his ironworkers pension so he ulls in about 4500 a minth for the rest of his life and all hi=s meds and healthcare is provided through the veterans hospital, its amazing how everything worked out ok for all of us even though we were horrible fuck ups for so long... well thats my story LET ME HEAR YOURS!

 

WOW, I Can't Really Say More Than To Wish You

Well For The Future, Hope Everything Pans Out For You Mate...



Cheers Glen.

 

This chick showed me how to smoke crack.
I don't blame her though...
I eventually kicked.

 

I feel bad for you man thats devastating i hope you can remain strong and try to fill yourself with good memories everyday.

some kid i grew up with showed me how to smoke oxycontin, i was on it for 2 years; eventually i went into a psychosis. i stopped everything but my drug experiences make me feel like a junkie everyday even though i have been clean for more than one year. maybe i just have a mental imbalance.

 

Wow Chicago kid I'm glad everything's going better for you after all that.. People like you that give me hope that I can stop one day.. I'm still dabbing every 3 days but I hit rock bottom 5 months ago quit doing Roxie's an started getting my life together.. I don't do it like I use to 5 months ago but when I did I was snorting 5 30's in the morning everyday and more and more through out the day.. My story is I got hooked on Vic's when I was 18 then months later my friend introduce me to oxycontin I first snorted a half of a Roxie 30 got sick as fuck then been doing them since... It fuckin sucks cause that all my life was revolving around for 5 years and it passed by in a blink of an eye.. I started getting real bad the 5th year cause I usually had a job to support the habit but then I dropped the job worked here an there to support my habit and sold to support my habit but like anything else it had to end to the point where I was pawning my stuff and selling my clothes/shoes.. I regret everything I ever did to get money for that shit... It wasn't like me at all to do that shit.. I always cherished all my belongings but when your fuckin withdrawing and detoxing nothing or no one matters.. I'm glad I stopped when I did cause I can never put my self through that 2 month withdraw of constant nightmares of getting drugs insomnia diarrhea and RLS... Now I'm not saying I quit cause once an addict always an addict but I sure as hell am not anywhere near I was 5 months ago.. I sleep good eat good and a job in the works and am happy.. One day I hope I can just stop opioids I really do... I hope my story can relate to someone.. If anyone every needs to talk or something PM me I'm open to help another fellow opiate user...

 

I'll probably never stop completely. They've already told me that no further back surgeries are on the menu, and I don't want to go through that again anyway. So they just keep me medicated, and while I'm not out running marathons, I'm able to have some sort of life. Otherwise I'd spend most of my time in bed. So fuck it, I'll take the meds. Most of them I get free anyway through the VA. This month I'm really running short, because I had a gout attack that lasted 2 1/2 weeks and I was taking them like fuckin' House, lol. So in a couple days I'll be back on the Gabapentin for a week or so.

 

Although many of his posts were hard to read, Cosmo helps us non-users to begin to understand the mindset and struggle of addicts.

 

But behind all the incoherent drug crazed madness in some (most) of his posts, he was such a good dude. He didnt mean any harm to anyone, he was just a guy who was dealt an extremely shitty hand and trying to cope with it the best he could.

This story here in his OP just reaffirms that. He was no stranger to tragedy, that's for sure.