Tell truthfully how you became a junkie.

I started back in 2000 when I hurt my back at work. An MRI revealed that I had a degenerative disc disease that resulted in nerve root impingement. The result was a weird combination of sensations starting in the lower back and extending down through the buttocks, right leg and even to the right foot. Tingling, hot, cold, numb, shooting "lightning bolt" pains, you name it. The sciatic nerve was involved, and that pain is basically like being stabbed in the ass. I tried physical therapy, heat, ice, 2 epidural steroid injections, rest, a back brace, and meds, starting with Tramadol, then Darvocet, and then Vicoden. Nothing worked, so I finally had a spinal fusion in Feb. 2001. And it didn't work. Post-op my doctor had me on Oxycodone for a month, then Vicoden for maybe 3 months, and finally he weaned me off opiates with Darvocet for about another 3 months. Since it was a workmen's comp. case, once I recovered from the surgery and settled, that doctor was done with me. Pain-wise I was no better off than before the surgery. I'm a vet, so the VA handles most of my medical care. They gave me an MRI which showed that even after the surgery I still have some nerve root compression. I don't want to go through another back surgery, and they told me it probably wouldn't help anyway, so I was prescribed Vicoden for pain management. In the beginning it was 90 5mg tabs per month. Then 120 per month. Even after 3 years of that dosage, during times that I ran out early I had no ill effects. No withdrawal symptoms at all. But it just wasn't enough for pain control, so they switched me to 150 10mg tabs per month. That did it. After I was on that dosage for about 6 months I ran out about 3-4 days early one month, and I got sick. And that's what I thought it was. I thought I just had a case of the flu. I was even sneezing. Then after it happened a couple more times I finally realized it was withdrawal symptoms, and they were getting gradually worse. So, when I ran out early I started buying from other people to tide me over for a few days each month. The VA doctor might possibly switch me to Oxy's, but I really don't want to. The Vikes don't come close to eliminating all the pain, but they allow me to have some kind of a life, without laying down all day. But I must say it was a scary and humbling experience when I realized I was hooked on the stuff. And I'm close to running out now, so just today I went out and got 7 10mg Vikes for $28 from one guy, and on the way home I stopped at a grocery store and a friend of mine was standing outside and sold me 30 Tylenol #3's that he'd just gotten for $30. So basically, that's my life now. I do want to taper my dosage down so that I can get by on just my prescription, because this buying on the street bullshit is expensive.

 

Yeah it is pretty interesting that we both view mental illness under such similar lights. Likewise it's equally interesting that opioids, amphetamines, benzodiazepines, antidepressant and antipsychotic meds (in my case a SNRI and a new generation atypical antipsychotic work for my conditions), and mood stabilizers are what we both take for our daily stability as our daily regimens (I also have an anticholinergic/barbiturate, cannabinoid, antihistamine, acid reflux stabilizer, blood pressure regulator, muscle relaxer, and occasionally corticosteroids and NSAID's for my myriad health conditions). Are we related? lol...
If it weren't for that combination of medications, including those pesky "uncool" meds--the psych meds, I'd be stark raving mad and in a perpetual state of agony. I'd prefer a bullet to the noggin over NOT having them. I ONLY go off the SNRI and atypical antipsychotic for a few days prior to a psychedelic session. Otherwise like you, I take them religiously.
Ya know though etkearne, for hating benzos you're an oddball considering Zyprexa is a thienobenzodiazepine {a totally different class which includes Seroquel too...but sorta a benzo, hehe}

 

Opiate addiction has completely ruined/taken over my life. A few years ago I was 18, my son was one. He and I lived alone in my apartment, I work fulltime. I had never even smoked a cig. Started dating a guy, he introduced me to weed, then my best friend who I had no clue did anything, brought over a pink vicodin ten and told me I should try a bit with her because I was going to get a tattoo. I was nervous about the pain so I did, and I felt AMAZING. I hated the way weed made me feel, awkward, but this was amazing. I used recreationally for a while, maybe 1-2x a month, then in 2010 I started using everyday. Whatever I could afford and how ever much. I got with my now fiancee, we moved in together, and we were doing at least 10 10mg hydro's or oxy's whatever we could find. My son hasn't ever seen me do a pill, or went with me to buy them, but I still feel like a terrible parent. Now I am at the point I cannot get out of the bed and go to work without a pill. We do roxi's, opana's, morphines, whatever we can get our hands on.

In the midst of all this I became pregnant again. I am now nearly eight months along. I feel so much guilt for using during my pregnancy but I was upfront with my OB in the beginning and she said basically that the withdrawals would cause complications but she can't do anything about it, there is nowhere to get methadone or subs here, and I basically shouldn't quit but if my daughter is born with them in her system they will take her. I am falling deeper and deeper into depression. I cant function without the pills and pregnancy seems to have worsened my w/d's. My dr gave me no options and I don't know what to do at this point.

 

That sounds tragic. Where do you live? As far as I know, every part of the United States, Canada, and Europe supports various forms of opioid substitution therapy like methadone, Suboxone, or even extended release morphine in Europe.

 

Well, I've been through the wd's on Vikes and they're no picnic, but it's survivable. Like I said in a previous post, at first I just thought it was the flu. I mean, I was even sneezing. Since that first wd experience I've not only done the Vikes on a daily basis, but there are quite a few occasions when I've done Oxy's and Morphine. Based on my experiences the wd's peak at about 3 days and persist at that level for about 4 more days, then taper off. One thing that has helped me some with this is Loperamide, the active ingredient in Imodium AD. Once a day I will take 8 of them, which is 16mg of Loperamide. And I take them with about a pint of grapefruit juice. It sounds crazy, but it actually does help. Also, I take Xannies to help with the insomnia and anxiety.

 

well man, i've been using for about 5 years now, IV for nearly 4.5.. I had always loved altering reality with whatever i could get my hands on, but definitely knew opiates were my favorite from the first time i ate a vicodin when i was 14. Had i been able to forge a decent connect for pills, i would have become an addict much much earlier thats for sure. but anyway i graduated high school and began mizzou university. First year and a half were pretty much opiate free, until christmas break of my sophomore year i was introduced to heroin by my best friends older brother, whom i had always looked up to as the brother i had never had. that was when my love affair began. Snorted for about 5 months, never even thinking that i could become addicted, i had a strong mind, i do this just for fun, i can kick this whenever i please, i'm just not ready to stop yet. Well, after dropping out of college, losing several girlfriends, a 60K dollar job, my entire savings, family respect, etc... here i sit kicking a 200$+ a day heroin habit... I'm about 2 weeks clean, through the sinister pain of withdrawal, and i never thought i'd ever be able to get this far. I have been going to NA meetings which have helped me more than i could have ever thought, especially me being a non-religious person, but it helps so much to hear the stories of other addicts and how their stories are so similar to my own. I think thats a common thing about addiction, is that an addict is an addict is an addict. I always thought i was different than everybody else, but the more i hear people speak at these meetings, it reminds me that i am not alone, that people have had habits bigger than mine and have come out on the other side, clean and sober and loving life.. its encouraging to say the least. But anyway, good luck to everyone out there with the disease of addiction, its a sonofabitch, thats for sure. It tore down everything i had worked so hard to build in my life, and i honestly didn't give a shit at the time, as long as i had another fix. I'm tired of living in fear, i'm tired of being a fucking slave to the dope man, and i'm ready to get my life back on track. I hope more than anything i can truly kick this time, for good. well, anyways, be good everyone, best wishes

Joe

 

Well, I wish you the best, and from what you're saying it sounds like you're really ready to quit, so you'll probably succeed, especially since you've already made it 2 weeks. Just take it one day at a time and consider each day a victory.

 

etkearne- I live in VA. Its a very small town. There is one dr who prescribes subs but he wants a grand up front, I don't have that kind of money, and there is a methadone clinic about 55 miles away, that I would have to drive to everyday, then its 15 dollars a day. I dont have the money required for that, for the gas or the time I would miss at work. I feel at such a loss, i've been speaking with an addiction counselor and he says there just really arent resources here.

 

That is extremely unfortunate and sad. I feel terrible for you. Did you know ANY doctor can have the liscence to prescribe Suboxone for addiction after taking an eight hour course? Perhaps you can get together other addicts in the area to convince some more doctors to do it. I mean, this is basically a life or death situation and needs to be taken care of soon. If I had the 1000 dollars for you I would give it to you but I don't have a job at the moment.

 

That is very kind of you! I am really looking around for any resources. My OB isnt even very knowledgeable about addiction and seems very rude, one of the first things she said to me was "Well I don't run a methadone clinic out of my office" I am just so out of options right now. I have tried to W/D at home 3x now and ended up in labor and delivery with preterm labor each time.

 

WTF?!! Thats really fucked up, that asshole doctor is taking advantage of the fact that hes the only one in town. Shit I get mine for free, I would have a few things to say to that doc if I were you.

 

I got kicked out of the house I was in 'cuz of no rent money, and I put my stuff in storage and moved in with a g/f. Things got really bad between us but I had to stay there because I had no where else to go. I was miserable. I tried H before, but never IV. I called my friend asked if he could come cook up a shot and IV it for me. I learned pretty quickly how to shoot on my own. I was shooting very often after a while, and I was banging coke or H in the bathroom everywhere, at school, at work. No one ever knew what I was doing, but it was ruining my life. It was crazy. I am recovering now and I'm off the H.

 

I guess a lot of it had to do with social anxiety that I never really admitted to having. I hung out with kids who, when we were 17/18, starting doing opiates. I had taken percs before and vicodins and didn't really get it... I remember saying, 'why do you guys like those pills so much?'

So I bought 10 20mg oxycontins (back when they were OCs around here and not OPs!) and the only reason I got them was because they were a good price. I got 10 of em for $100.

The next day, at about 2pm I popped one and went for a walk. It was in July I remember it was a really hot day... I went walking in btown on some train tracks (not sure why I used to hang out on them, they are right near water).... and I literally remember it being the best walk of my life. I felt so warm and like everything in my life was in sync. When I got home, before I knew it, the feeling was gone. And I remember thinking, I wish I could feel like that all the time.

So naturally, after this walk, I snorted a 20mg (which to be honest, 40mg my first day doing oxycontin is pretty high..) and remember feeling good all over again.

The next day was fourth of July and I went to a picnic at my aunts house. took one of these pills. had a few beers, everything felt so good it was weird.

After that it turned into like a once/twice a week type thing for a while. every friday night or something I'd do an oxy 80 or whatever.

I guess the reason I started is because I always deep down sort of felt out of place. and insecure. and like nothing seemed to 'go right'... I couldn't even really understand why I felt this way either. I am smart enough to know that there is no right and wrong.. everything is perfect. there is only one way everything is supposed to be.. and it is that way. (that might sound stupid.. not sure)

I think a lot of it has to do with being a perfectionist as well. Also, from being let down a lot in life... maybe because my expectations of everything have always been too high? I don't know.

but if it makes you feel any better I'm kicking too. first day though.. so I'm not even really withdrawaling yet. just feeling anxious and shitty =/

good luck to you

 

That sounds horrible :/ I sympathize for you and empathize with you more than you know... it's like before you know it you can't do anything without 'your pills'.. go to work, eat a meal, take a shower, even sit up...

I watched a documentary thing last night on painkillers and 10,000 babies are born every year in the US addicted to opiates. So don't feel too bad, you're not alone.

I guess I take for granted that there is so much suboxone here in NJ... I can get it on the street any time of any day.. where in the US do you live, if you don't mind me asking?

 

One of my friends from here is stonewalling me because he thinks I'm bound to OD. You know, truth be told I probably will.
• shattered spine
• high functioning Autism or Asperger's
• CFS caused by EBV
• PTSD with comorbid OCD, panic disorder, insomnia, & generalized anxiety disorder
• gastritis, GERD, & IBS
• probable fibromyalgia or neuropathy; one or the other
• chronic migraines
• extreme poverty due to low capacity functionality
• nightmares every night I can sleep
• occasional stints in jail, psych wards, & rehab
• occasional homelessness
...and that's only half my reasons. I just plowed through 60 40mg oxymorphone & 90 8mg hydromorphone plus untold numbers of morphine 30mg which I'm ending this stretch of WD for a grip of in ½ hour or so.
All who know me know I'm half-cocked and could lose it or die any day now so my only true friends are fellow pin cushions in their arms. I guess society can't grasp there are those of us who MUST find reasons to keep going on, and if dope kills multiple ills on the spot, we in harsh pain will gravitate toward it naturally.

Fuck I want a fix NOW.

 

wait you just relapsed and now you think you might die?

 

This is my 10th relapse in 1½ years. I'm morphine bound now, on shitloads of dextroamphetamines, picking up some methylone, take 14 different meds including the Opana and Dilaudid, use needles, have had renal failure twice, a hypotensive crisis one such time, ODed last year the same night a friend committed suicide, went through 40ish mg DOI, 60ish moxy, & 350-400mg 4- ACO-DPT last week from Sunday to Friday, half my meds are hard narcotics like the drxtroamphetamines...I am WELL known on this forum as a a major risk taker, like (in theory) extracted DMT and mescaline until the pigs raided the lab they could not directly nor indirectly tie to me, cops are saying I had several bags of ketamine on me which I'm fighting as I KNOW an unbiased report of the chemical analysis would prove otherwise, I live fast and have since 9 with my first cigarette to 14with my first drug being morphine my second weed and third acid, had a major drinking problem in my 20's, bought my coke in Brooklyn from mob dudes, & did I mention this is my second relapse this month? Do the math and you'd agree I have at most 15-20 years on me. I had a heart attack at 16 trying blow my first time. If you're old enough or hell go listen to it on YouTube or I'll link it. GnR's song "My Michelle" sums me up. My friend isn't stonewalling mr, it was a typical rage pattern always in early withdrawal. Thank hell for morphine though...

 

Be certain you're ready for 100% addiction with 0% of a high. Suboxone is an 8:2 ratio of buprenorphine, a partial mu & delta antagonist + naloxone which is a 100% opioid agonist from beta, kappa, mu, delta and down the line all the way(the shit Narcan, the drug used to flush opiates from your body when you OD. I had it once or twice...once to bring me back from the dead after crushing and swallowing 300mg temazepam, 60mg clonazepam, 3 GRAMS! morphine sulphate, 240mg hydromorphone, & 2.8g carisoprodol. If I hadn't been found an hourish after that fucking stupid stunt I'd not have responded to Narcan. I was on a drip of it that time for like two days plus I am fairly certain I was flushed with activated charcoal. The second time I was on a drip of for nearly a day after coming too and being told I'd been found stumbling in a stupor in a total black out that lasted nearly 3 to 4 days. In other words, naloxone has saved my life but it is terribly uncomfortable). The catch with Suboxone is the buprenorphine. Its addiction profile according to studies is worse than methadone. Methadone is worse than heroin, which in pure processed form is diacetylmorphine. Canada has begun a program for junkies giving (I believe) two carefully metered and professionally administered shots daily at diacetylmorphine clinics where alprozalam is NOT coadministered to junkies like it is at countless methadone clinics. Apparently a Xanax bar (2mg alprozalam) alongside 200-400mg liquid methadone produces a sustained high almost identical to heroin's but simultaneously together is exponentially more addictive than smack. Partly too in a deadly way, as I know all too well. Benzodiazepine addiction is deadly enough, but when conjoined with opiate addiction can actually make opiate withdrawal deadly. The cure is worse than the problem is the cure that's worse than... and on and on. Likewise, though say Immodium (loperamide) doesn't get you high, like Suboxone's two ingredients that cancel dope out and make you ill if you take dope while it's still in you, these too are all opioids. For nearly 150 years since laudanum, one thing after another has unsuccessfully gotten many totally and completely free of opiate slavery, very few of us quit on purpose (think jail, prison, psych wards, etc. when you consider the 5% success rate--people who simply cannot slam let alone score). This sadly is the very reason for diacetylmorphine clinics where at least heroin is given just enough to keep from getting sick but not enough to get off; aside from ibogaine if you're healthy enough to consume it, heroin to treat heroin addiction is actually proving thus far the safest and most effective treatment...if you're Canadian. Still though, Canada is dealing with the issue pragmatically. If it can't be beat, at least it's controlled.

 

trust me... this isn't my first rodeo...

what I need is about 1 and a half 8mg suboxone

first day kicking, I take btw a sixth and a quarter of the suboxone (btw 1 and 2mg) and this is strickly to make sure I do not buy opiates. I literally, on the first day, if I don't take anything, will justify buying shit. Simply because I can't justify how shitty I feel and I will find a way to come up with the money... trust me, I know myself by now.

I do btw 1 and 2mg of suboxone for about two to three days, and then half that. by day 8 or 9 I don't even need the suboxone anymore.

Trust me... I know people who had a short lived pill habit and then ended up being on methadone or suboxone for months/years... I can guarantee you that is not me.

I buy a couple subs on the street, for when I kick, simply because I know once I take the suboxone, buying pills will be completely useless. Maybe it's sad, but without them, I will probably break down and use. Unless I'm on lockdown by someone, or in a rehab facility.. my will power just isn't enough.

This is hard to talk about BTW lol

 

Wtf??? Social Services is doing your unborn child a serious disservice threatening to take your baby while fueling your addiction MORE because A) a child born with opiates in his/her system will be born an addict and have to suffer withdrawal before age one, B) your depression is likely causing worse and worse addiction for you, C) if they considered you unfit due to addiction your primary care physician could assist at the very least to legitimize your habit with a drug such as Opana that if abused nasally (the only way with its binder in the filler) has 60% bioavailability, but if you take it orally and swallow rather than chew (even chewing them is nearly ineffective for a high with Opana), because of its unique chemical profile has 1% bioavailability so even the strongest Opana ER which I get, 40mg, is manageable as opiates go as well as requiring only one every 12 hours...but if abused it's a good deal stronger than either Oxycontin or heroin, with Dilaudid being about the only drug available that's stronger I believe. But regardless, if a MD wrote a script for Darvon to Subutex to MS Contin to Oxycontin, anything written, so long as no other opioid metabolites were present at birth would be hunky dory since a MD wrote for it. But D) if Social Services will take your unborn at birth, you're likely to be given a cursory "interview"...in other words put through the ringer of buerocratic red tape to allow them to deem you unfit and take your other child which E) will probably devastate you beyond repair and impair your judgment alongside taking your will to be, forcing your hand to kill the pain quicker and more effective thus turning you on to needles and sooner or later possibly even making you suicidal. Your relationship is bound for negative impact, and with death a thought even if minuscule and impaired judgment, chances are before you're 25 you'll have such wicked PTSD you'll take risks eventually landing you behind a heavy metal door be it rehab, jail, or an institution, maybe even made Ward of the State

As nuts as this sounds, I really only see two options. One is rather dangerous and disagreeable. Flee and leave no trace, starting fresh in a town that offers Suboxone or methadone. That, or purposefully injure yourself badly enough for a few months of painkillers and make it look like an accident and ONLY use those pills. Not a thing else.

These fucking jackasses are punishing you for ypur disease. Assholes. Rehab followed by attending NA may be your only realistic option. I'm so sorry for you hun.