Teen internet monitoring.. need advice

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that its probably a good thing no pervs have targeted you over myspace....



and yeah, I double checked for deadbaby, deffinitly no boob pics... rats

 

Hm. Now, my mother and I have a very close relationship. I could tell her anything. But when I was 14, yeah, I snuck glances at porno websites. It happens. I realize now that yeah, it can be degrading and whatnot, but it was my own gain of maturity that I came to that realization. I think that sure, her myspace should be private. And you should definately make sure she doesn't post innapropriate pictures. Though, I don't know about changing her passwords and looking at her bullitens and whatnot. That seems a tad invasive to me, but hey. I'm not your daughter, you're not my mother, and I don't know the circumstance. Perhaps your daugher lied to you because she felt she had to. I know my mom is quite indimidating when angry, and I was always afraid to just say "Yeah mom, I snuck on the internet, I'm sorry.", but I think part of that goes along with being 14. As drumminmama said, perhaps cleaning or something like that would be a good punishment for lying about the situation. Taking away her internet priveleges might just lead to a loop of lying and sneaking. I hope you both the best, and I hope you can work it out. Have you tried just sitting her down and having a heart to heart on internet safety? If you do, just try to remember, she's 14, she thinks she's invincible. Try not to get too frustrated

 

i was being sarcy

 

Sarcy? Is that like saucey?

 

sarcastic

were you being sarcastic when you asked that?

 

Well, the issue that caused all of this was that she is having trouble in school, correct?The Myspace mess, well, that's a little bit of both of your faults. But lets face it, she's not the first teenager to break a rule, and you're not the first parent to overreact. So in responce to the fact that that was what happened, perhaps it might be best to allow her access to the internet, but put more strict guidelines on how much time she spends studying. For instance, when I had trouble in school, my parents used to make me do my homework at the dinner table and make me show it to them. It pissed me off, but my grades did improve and ultimitely, I did feel better about myself.

As for the porn, well, when I was her age, I used to watch that crappy Cinimax porn in my bedroom. The truth is that it's a pretty normal. She is going through puberty after all. As long as she's safe, she's not stealing your credit card for the pay sites, and it's not something incredably sick or something, I say just leave it be.

 

I have four kids, ages 20, 18, 15 and 7. I have NO monitoring or blocking software on my computer. I can, of course, check histories, to see where the kids have been, but I never do it. They have limited time on the net. NO, I don't sit in the room with them, except fo rthe 7 year old, and not when I know she is on NickJR.com or something like that.

Sometimes kids have to be trusted and learn by their own mistakes. When my now 20 year old told me she was starting a Blog on myspazz, I told her "Don't put anything in it you wouldn't put on the Front Page of the Chicago Tribune." She claimed it was a "private blog" and "only my friends" could read it. I let her know that there is no such thing as "internet security" and that, I know that there are ways around passwords ect.

Well, she didn't listen, and posted some stuff about the place where she worked, and had a DAMN good job which she loved. She was just pissing and moaning about the place she worked at, and someone who she said didn't ahve access to her blog printed pages from her blog and gave them to her Boss. Guess what? She left the job in humiliation. Sucks, but it taught her a lesson I couldn't with words.

Although she is 20, she still lives in our house, so she was banned from the net (except for homework, and either Bear or I had to be in the room then) for a week. I hope she learned her lesson, but who knows. I am JUST glad that I didn't spy on her, as her trust means a lot to me.

Yeah, she gets grounded from the net, (as do the other kids, my 7 year old is grounded from the computer right now for a week, due to an experimentation with some disrespect) but I don't spy. IF kids want to do things, they WILL find a way to do them. At school, the library or at a freind's house who has no supervision. You can't breathe down their necks 24 hours a day. You can only hope the learn life's lessons with as little damage as possible

No one has ever grown up without making mistakes. The more a child feels untrusted, the more the child will sneak. JMO.

Druminmama http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2937313&postcount=28 as well as boogiemama and others have given some really good advice.

Hey, kids willl look at porn. I know most of my older kids have. We talk about what porn does to the people who make it, how those people must have felt to have to do something like that for a living and whether it is degrading or not. I am pretty antiporn, for myself, but I remember looking in that drawyer of my dad's when I was about that age.........just out of curiosity. Most parents, even if they are really open about sex, don't give SPECIFICS (C'mon I don't want to hear some things from my kids about "Do you and daddy do that?" . And I am open about a lot of stuff.) about a lot of things kids want to know about. Is porn the best place to get this info? I really can't answer that, as I feel it is really warped stuff, most of it, but kids still have curiosity. That shouldn't be punished. Obssesive porn watching needs professional help, not punishment (The last thing you want to do is to LINK sexual feelings with feelings of humiliation. THINK about that.) Occasional looking, out of curiosity doesn't warrent punishment or therapy.

 

You are a clever one, druminmama.

My older kids have myspazz accounts. They show me funny thing, pics of freinds ect. But they will whizz by stuff so fast sometimes, I am always asking them, "Hey, was that a naked picture of you?" LOL! Shortly after Sunshine joined she was surprised I knew what the site was. (How stupid do I look?) We have agreement, they stay away from Hip Forums and I won't get a myspazz account.

However, somehow, both my dogs have accounts. Hmmmmmmmm.

 

As a 17 year old, I understand where your daughter is coming from, but I also think lying should be unacceptable, its a bad habit. Punish her for lying, but I feel teenagers need some sort of privacy to define themselves, adn the internet is providing that more and more, and with a social life, etc. So the tracking thing may be a little too much, considering she is only 14, unless she is doing some hardcore drugs or getting into alot of trouble, but if shes a good girl, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, shes just reacting like any 14 year old would react, its like reading your daughters journal, its invading her personal space, no matter how young she is, she is still human and entitled to SOME privacy.

 

You should seek professional counseling. You guys have a dysfunctional relationship. Need to understand what is "intimacy" and when you really understand this term, then the problem will be solved. You have to allow your kid to grow. She will tell you or not depending on the trush you build and the degree of freedom you allow. She knows, at that age, what is the difference between "manipulations" from "trying to help and protect" ... be sure you are growing faster than her. At 14, I would let her do and try whatever she wants as long as it does not endanger her or you guys. But you have to explain and be "persuasive" in that sense ..but I dont think you can do it.
I have grown 2 girls very succesfully and I never prohibited anything from their agenda ..it was them who scratched them out after becoming convinced that those things were bad for them.
So ..seek help ASAP ..that you may have a bigger problem than her. By the way, I'm a professional in these matters with a PhD degree and practicing at a higlhy regarded institution.

 

I do remember when I was her age and how poorly I got along with my mom. I never felt like I could tell her anything because I would get in trouble any time I didn't act perfectly in every situation. She had a good way of making me feel like a "bad kid" when I was just being a normal kid. Everything was always such a big deal and she was always so angry about it. You should be aware of how you may be making your daughter feel and how that will affect the relationship you have with her. Especially if you desire for her to communicate with you more about her life. She should feel like she can come to you and tell you about her life and problems without you reacting negatively because she didn't act ideally. That way she will be open with you and you can help her learn.

She's old enough that you can have an adult conversation with her. No power struggle necessary, And certainly don't argue with a 14 year old. Don't even go there. Start off as parent and daughter, not correction officer and convict. Don't make it feel like punishment being handed down by authority. It should be about trying to get an issue sorted out and coming to an understanding with eachother. Of course this doesn't mean no discipline, just that it can be handed down in a completely different manner than a screaming match between mom and daughter. It should only be done when things are calm, even if it takes a while before things are calm.

When I was a teen my father would always calmly let me know he is upset and that we had to talk, then he'd send me to my room to let things calm before he would come in and we'd talk about it (and I'd get his punishment of choice, internet restriction was a favorite of his too). We never had the chance to argue, things never became heated.

I love my mother very much, but my relationship with my father is so much better to this day. We know and understand eachother so well, unlike with my mother, and I feel like the two completly different methods of parenting have a lot to do with it.

 

who dosent lie to there parents when there a teenager , its natural

 

She might not have lied should could have had her account hijacked. It has happened to me.

 

My daughter is nearly 13 and spends alot of time online, and while I don't monitor her activity we do have basic rules. Not to give out personal info, not to ever ever meet strangers from the web, to understand that people can say they are kids and not be, to understand there are predators out there and be smart about it. She isn't allowed to have a myspace account because the content there is way to mature, I'd say maybe at 16 or 17 but not younger. Just my opinion.

 

i think you are doing a good job of monitoring her already. most parents dont care OR know enough to watch what their kids are doing on the net.

kids will be kids. But myspace can be pretty dangerous nowadays. young girls are posting very risky pics up and old pervert men are posin g as ppl their age and just all sorts of bad things can happen. you are right to watch over her so well.

 

my mom checks my myspace.. its cool though because i just let her read what she wants. she knows i smoke pot.. but if she's gonna snoop then she can.. i dont have anything to hide... most of the time

 

I have a livejournal and I was bitching about being burnt out at work one day a couple years ago, and I checked the journal on my break at work (we're allowed to use the computer, etc. on our break) and the admin people don't usually catch things from the cache, but someone happened to see my entry and got concerned, and mentioned it to my boss. I wasn't fired or anything - I didn't say anything inflammatory about anyone there, but I was bitching and someone took it to mean I hated my job. Nothing bad came of it, but I did explain to my boss that having a place like that to vent was the very thing that kept me from wanting to quit when it got really bad, and my boss was reassured that everything was okay. From that day forward, though, if I write anything about work in my livejournal, I don't check it at work until I've written enough entries that it's already cycled through. I have wondered, though, why the admin people have all that spare time on their hands to read the stuff us cashiers read on our breaks...seems like they get a lot of time to sit on their asses...no wonder nothing gets done over there - lol! Don't worry, I don't check hipforums at work cause often it ends up not being "work safe" - lol!

 

wow. No wonder she's hiding things from you. Jeez, just leave her alone, will ya? Seems silly taking away the internet. I'd lie too. You're being waaaaaay too strict; why are you on a hippy forum? Let her be. She's smart, and you're just treating her like a child.