Stupid Joke Thread

Daryl: I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry.
Harry: Good heavens! Does it hurt?
Daryl: Only when I wind it.

 

What's the difference between being kinky and being perverted?
When you're kinky you use a feather
When you're perverted you use the whole chicken

 

What do you call a chef that makes cakes and cookies while intoxicated?
Drunken Hines.

 

What do you call a dog with really short legs and steel balls?




SPARKY

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

 

Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?
It had no point.

 

Lololol

 

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

 

Why did Mark Kay squint? Because of her eye shadow...

Why did she take little bitty steps? Because of her lipstick...

 

When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.

 

haha! fair play.....save the copy and paste inna future

 

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. The Judge says, "Let me get this straight Mickey. You say you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?" and Mickey replies, "No, your honor! I said I want to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy!"

 

Energizer Bunny arrested.

Charged with battery.

 

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

 

Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.​

​

Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: All of them.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?​

A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around
her.

Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light​

bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb
last rites.

Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has
burnt out.

Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to
design the web page about doing it.

Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not
represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old
one was.

Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None. They sit in the dark.

Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then
they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt
because they can't see.

Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Two, but they have to be very small.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
it before it crashes.

Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: What? And wreck my nails?

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None, lawyers only screw us.

Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?​

A: Why does it need changing?

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to
change.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new
bulb.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: Both of us

Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".

Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?​

A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

 

I got a knock knock joke but someone else has to start it.

 

Scary! I actually find remarkable humor in that joke!

 

Alrighty:

knock knock

"I'm way too gullible...go ahead insult me...make me regret starting this" *sigh* My curiosity gets the best of me. I can take it!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o) Or was that the actual joke?

 

I wanna play:
WHO's THERE?

 

Your