Stupid Joke Thread

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Wave to him.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming in the ocean?
Bob.

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b@stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat asse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh *****, it's started"

 

Why do women close thier eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand to watch a man enjoying himself...

 

How come christ wasn't born in Mexico?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

 

A man walks into a butchers,
MAN; Do you have any steak and kidney pies
BUTCHER; Yes
MAN; Well its your fault for making too many.

 

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. However, it takes a whole emergency room to get it out.

 

Ahh, I got so many jokes it's not even funny.

 

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road.



A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell it's late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."



"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

 

how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




Two, but they'd rather screw in bed

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

 

what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole ??? Phil

 

John takes a seat at the bar looking very glum indeed.His friend Steve ask what's wrong.

"It's my bloody mother-in-law", frowns John. "I have a real problem with her".

"Don't worry everyone has problems with his mother-in-law!"

"Yeah," John says, " but I got mine pregnant."

 

...

 

Why is Halloween considered the Republican holiday?


Because you get to gobble up as much as you can and scare the shit out of people.


Whats the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

an alcoholic will run a red light and a stoner will stop at a green light.

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, and an American walk into a bar. The barman says "what is this, some kind of a joke?"



An electron and a neutron walk into a bar and order two beers. The barman says to the electron "that'll be five bucks", and the electron pays up. The barman turns to the neutron and says "for you, no charge!"

 

Two bulls, and old one and a young one, were on top of a hill looking at a herd of cows. The young one says "Hey old bull! Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows!" The old bull says "No. Let's walk down there and fuck them all."

Three bulls, an old one, a young one, and a very small one, were talking about a rumor they'd heard that the farmer had bought another bull. The old bull said "Well, he's not getting any of MY cows. I've been here a long time and it's not fair for him to come in and take mine." The young bull says "Well I don't have many cows. If I loose even a few I'll miss them. He's not getting any of mine." The small bull says " Well I only have one or two. He can't have any of mine!" The day the new bull arrived the three bulls were watching them unload him, and were amazed at how big he was. The oldest bull said "Well, I wouldn't want him to not feel welcome. I think I could give him some of my cows." The young bull said "Me too. I'd hate for him not to feel welcome" The small bull started snorting, scraping the ground, and bellowing loudly at the huge new bull. The other bulls said "You're crazy! He'll kill you!" And the small bull said "I'm not picking a fight! I'm just making sure he knows I'm not a cow!"

 

So this Irish man walks out of a bar...


(you have to think about it for a minute)

 

Okay, you want a REALLY bad one?
What do you get when you cross bacon and pinecones?
Porcupines! AAAHAHAHAHAHA! wow, that's bad..

 

So Jesus was up on the cross, and his disciples were down the hill contemplating the future. And Peter hears Jesus's distant call.

"Peter... Peter..."

He runs up the hill to serve his lord, but the centurion sees him and beats the crap out of him, sending him tumbling back down the hill. Peter, lying at the bottom in pain, hears Jesus's voice again, calling him. He runs up the backside of the hill, but the centurion sees him, breaks his arm, and throws him back down the hill. Peter is at the bottom, wincing and crying, and he hears Jesus call him again. He goes to the other disciples and says,

"Hey guys, Jesus wants to talk to me, could you distract the centurion for me?"

So the other disciples run up and get beat up by the centurion while Peter goes to speak to Jesus. Peter says,

"I am here, my lord, just as you called for me." Jesus says,

"Peter... Peter, I can see your house from here."

 

Do you know..why an elephant..
cannot drive a bicycle???
because..
he doesn't have a thumb..
to ring the bycicle bell
Emiel