Spanking kids? Your thoughts?

My thoughts exactly. I, also, came from a "spare the rod, spoil the child" religious family. While is was never beaten per se, I was spanked by hand, switched with a switch, and smacked with a wooden spoon by my mother. To this day, over thirty years since the last whooping, I resent my mother for it.

I have never spanked my kids and they are respectful and pretty good kids. (We had trouble with one teenager, but I guarantee spanking him as a little kid would have not helped) Teaching them to take responsibility for their action and the resulting consequences, be it loss of privledges or whatever, works.

 

I have some methods that I think will work fine for disciplinary tactics. Usually a talking to or time out will work, but I have a harsher punishment for the more serious behavioral issues. I am not going to give my opinion on spanking, just don't think I will use this method personally. I have, however, heard it put into the terms that "sometime a kids brain falls down to it's ass, and need a quick boost back to the head"
I recieved a lot of spankings while growing up, and I expect that if Skye is anything like me, they won't mean jack to him either. I didn't mind the spankings, it was a short time of pain, then I was back about my bussiness again, and more careful to not get caught the second time. It was time out that did it for me. Standing still for more than two seconds.... the humanity of it all..... How could my parents have done this to me. It was definatly more effective as far as punishment goes. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.... Just beat my ass and lets get it over with. I was a pretty active kid though. One of my friends, while growing up, would just get sent to his room for punishment. His room had every toy imaginable, all the latest technology (eg. video games, computers). He didn't really mind his punishments. Of course I don't think he started getting in trouble untill he started hanging out with me, little mama's boy. I remember that everytime he got hurt, no matter how minor, like a scraped knee or something, he would lie on the ground and scream "I want my mommy", untill someone would actually go and get his mom for him, no one elses mom would do, and no one else could even help himto his feet. He would lie in the middle of the street until his mom arrived. What a wuss. He did have some cool toys though.

 

I strongly disagree with spanking/hitting children, for religious reasons AND for pacifist reasons I've always had before I ever converted to the religion that I am.

 

I was spanked, and I was a really good kid. I loved my mom, like crazy, my whole family. But I still think it's unecessary. And I think people think that the harder and longer they spank the kid the more they get it. But I think if it's one tap, that's one thing, if you hitting your kid with a belt, shoe, switch, anything like that, I think it's unneccesarry and if they have bruises or welts, that's terrible. I know my mom thought she was teaching me a lesson, but it didn't teach me anything except that my mom hurts me sometimes. I was sometimes spanked for things I didn't do, and whenever another kid around me was spanked I'd cry. I think it's ridiculous. I don't plan to ever hit my kid(s) for any reason.

And of course it was always done out of anger.

 

My Mum "spanked" me a fair bit, and me being the oldest kid I got it the most, even though there wasn't much disbehaving or rebellious behaviour on my part. I think my parents were looking for troubles that weren't there, but they created them by the way they acted. She's from the old school of discipline - no disrespect to be shown to her under any circumstances. Plus if you don't have the most mature or sound of minds or thought processes, the power that parenthood can bring can be a dangerous thing. Just because you're an adult and a parent does not make every decision, thought and choice you make right.

I still resent her for the things she did and I'm still scared of her. What sort of relationship is that? I don't want my kids to feel that way with me.

My motto is to stay calm at all times. I strongly believe that if you show your kids that they are upsetting you, you have lost control. Kids keenly pick up on things like that. That's just one side of parenting though. There is also the need to teach them boundaries and limits, for their own good. I am yet to get to that part. My boys are only 16 months old and they don't understand anything yet. But in any case I will not be spanking my kids.

 

spanking= fear

thats not what i want my kid to learn from me nor do i want him to be a oassive child. I want him to be assertive and so i assert him with words. those are the tools for good communication...not hitting to get your way. you degrade children by spanking them. you also degrade yoruself with lack of selc control and lack of tools to communicate and then you set yoru child up for more of the same.

 

I was spanked as a child and all that did was lie to my parents out of fear. I did everything behind their backs. I did a lot of things that i shouldn't have done, but i feared them and didn't want to ask if i could go to a certain place or hangout with a certain person. I would never ever harm a child. There are many other ways to remove an undesirable behavior or punish a child. Spanking/hitting is not the answer. I feel so distant from my parents when I was growing up because they used this method.

 

I grew up being spanked with everything from the bare hand to wooden spoons & belts. Somehow though it took being a mom & having reality hit me upside the head to realize that there were other (and quite possibly BETTER) ways to parent until my son was about 3 years old. I had popped him gently on his diapered behind several times for offenses – always making sure not to hurt him, but more using the loud sound as a way to get his attention. But as I was babysitting a family friend, my son hit his little playfriend. I snatched him up and was about to swat him for it, when it clicked in my mind. I was going to HIT my son, to tell him that hitting wasn’t okay. Uh, yeah. That just didn’t make any sense. From that day on, I have worked hard to parent without physical discipline. Sometimes it’s tough. What DO you do to get your 10 year old son to stop slashing at his younger sister with a coathanger? There have been a few days when I’ve thought to myself how much easier it would be if I could give him a good swift swat for the odd misbehavior. But what would I be teaching him? That he should obey me because I’m bigger than him? That if he doesn’t obey me, I’ll hurt him? That hitting is okay if you’re right? None of these are things I want to teach my children, so I do not spank.
love,
mom

 

Actually, myriad works and studies and studies of societies have PROVEN that hitting (Hell, let's call it what it is, "spank" is a cute word for a nasty thing. If you STRIKE a child, you are HITTING. Let's not use alternate, cutesy words for atrocities.) hitting does NOT work. Kids who are hit don't "turn out" better or more effective people, or more succesful people than non assaulted children. In fact, children's self esteem is often damaged by hitting. An other thing MANY MANY studies and surveys found. Kids UNDERSTOOD an occasional lapse, in ANGER better than they understood a completely stonefaced, unfazed parent doling out violence. I remember in one of my Child Development classes, there was a film about punishment ane learning and the children from the "never hit while youare angry" parents said NOTHING was more frightening than being HIT by parents who HURT THEM intentionally, while completely calm. It reminds me of Mengele or something.

No, you can't "reason" with a two year old. But, you can say, "No, we don't do that." and them remove the child from the enviroment which was the problem. Or remove the item which was causing the problem. My dd Sage used to be entralled with the fly swatter. An icky thing for a toddler to play with. Instead of HITTING (and YEAH, I am gonna capitalize it, because it needs to be noticed) her, I just took the fly swatter away and put it where she couldn't get it.

As for dangerous stuff. Two things, Keep an eye on the kid. Of course ALL kids are going to outwit you, and still get into dangerous situatoins, like running into the street, putting something into the electrical socket ect. MOVING THE KID while letting them know that this is NO is enough. I don't think the occasional, well placed YELL is bad, if it can prevent something dangerous.

After two tries at running in the street, none of my kids tried it again. We also made a game of it. "You can go as far as the Pump." (Instead of "You can't go any farther than the pump." Which would be a negative statement.) This gave them a solid thing to UNDERSTAND. I could see their little wheels turning, while they went down the driveway, looking for the pump, looking at me, or Bear, and stopping, and asking for and getting aknowlegment. Better than hitting them.

As for "THere is a difference between a spanking and a beating." Well, everybody has a different interpretation. I can see ONE hit on a kid and certainly see it as abusive. I've seen people get out of control, after claiming up and down, they only hit ONCE, and hit again and again. MY BIL NEVER hits his son. Why? He was struck quite a lot as a child. He doesn't trust himself to "be able to stop once I start." At least he is HONEST with himself. He doesn't hit the boy. They both benefit from this. ONE hit can be, either emotionally or physically abusive to a child.

Also, it is LAZY. Many many people have well behaved, happy children, who have never been hit. If THEY can do it, ANYONE CAN. It may actually be harder to NOT hit, but it is more effective in the long run (kids who are hit have been proven to be good at lying and just learn how to not get caught. They haven't learned not to do the behavior, but to make sure the people who will HURT them don't see them.) PARENTS WHO TRY AND CARE put enough investment into their children to do the HARD WORK not to HIT them.

Nuff said.

 

Here we go again.

I'll go w/my personal observations regardless of what the unreferenced/ unseen
"myriad works and studies and studies of societies" show.
Sounds like stats - useful for whatever position One chooses to adopt.


I still have the same question
" I'm curious why so many condemn the
'old-school method' of doing things...
especially when said method has proven success"...

 

i think that spanking your child withyour hand ( not out of anger or frustration) as a form of punishment is perfectly fine. As long as you have tried every other kind of punishement and none seemed to phase the child. to be honest i tried everything with aiden from time outs to taking a couple toys away. nothing worked except for slapping his hand and asking him not to do that and explain why. On occasion he gets his little butt spanked by daddy or me. But most of the time when he gets his butt spanked he doesnt even notice it (big fluffy diapers) so really he just thinks it's funny.

 

Maggie is right, if you'd take the time to look for the actual research that has been done on this subject. There are whole countries where it is against the law to strike a child! Ezzo and the Pearls and other such experts are only writing from their opinions and their upbringing, and not from any proven data or scientific findings. They write books to sell books, so they are going to tell people that it's okay to do things the way our parents did things, it's easier that way, we don't have to think about what we are doing and we can just react. But that doesn't make it right.
There are also scientific studies that show why punishment doesn't work at all with some children. Punishment didn't work with Jenny, I'm afraid to say I tried it in the first place. My reaction the first and only time her Daddy spanked her (just one little swat on the leg) told me that was not acceptable, no matter what she had done to "deserve" it. There are some really good books that explain why punishment doesn't work, but many people are simply too lazy to put forth the effort to find out what will work or to talk with their children.

Raising Your Spirited Child
The Explosive Child
are probably my favorite two books on behavioral issues with children. Granted my oldest is definitely "spirited" and "explosive" but these books would help with any child, regardless of temperament.

there's also www.askdrsears.com

 

I'm sorry but that is just wrong. What works for your children might not work for all anyway. To suggest that people who use spanking as a punishment are lazy is just bullshit. I can tell you that I use a wide range of punishment with spanking as the final attention getter. It has worked well for me. It stopped the fit throwing, hitting others and many more problems. Children press their limits constantly and putting them in time out while they throw a fit just does not cut it. I have seen this time out crap go just as far. I have parents leaving their kids in time out for hours to wait out the crying fit. No, I don't play that game. I would rather swat their butt and instantly contain the behavior and let them know a line was crossed. I have seen if be very effective first hand even if the one time you tried it, it didn't work. I also once sat in a restraunt for over an hour, waiting to order, while my sister tried to reason a 3 year old out of a fit. It never stopped. Never had them kind of problems here and that is why I will continue it until they are a teenager at which time I think spanking is ineffective. I came from both sides of the coin. My parents are divorced and my father never spanked and mom did. Guess where I got into a lot more trouble outside the home.

 

no, I never said time-outs work, either. Punishment of any sort is basically ineffective at teaching right from wrong. What any sort of punishment teaches is to be afraid of getting caught doing things that make parents angry. We teach most through example, and I don't need my children to learn it's okay to hit someone as long as that someone is smaller than they are.

 

Instead of making a THREE year old wait in a crowded resturant, many parents would have thought of the child first and left. Of course this child threw a tantrum, it was not in her ABILITY to sit in a stupid resturant for over an hour. Is your point that HITTING her would have solved the problem? For who? Would have made your lunch come faster, while the child sat there, sad, humiliated, sniffling and STILL bored and hungry? Well, good for you. What about the child? If she didn't have the mind to LEAVE, at least your dear sister didn't resort to VIOLENCE so YOU could eat your lunch. I give her props for that.

The main reason child abuse happens is that people don't know what is appropriate to expect from children at certain ages. NO three year old, if hungry, and most three year olds at all, should be expected to sit in a resturant while the adults talk for hours on end. This is just simple understanding of Child Developemnt.

Fairy, honey, I am completely confused. SO, what IS the point here? Are you hitting him to AMUSE him? HE's laughing due to one of two things
1)He is TERRIFIED and is using laughter as a defense mechanism, or
2)He doesn't give a SHIT what you do, you are completely inneffective with him, he is ALREADY LAUGHING at your attempts at discipline and, damn, girl, you need to get some NEW IDEAS on child rearing discipline, because a 15 boy who doesn't respect his mama isn't SO funny and cute as a one year old who doesn't. Fifteen year old boys are usually bigger stronger and faster than you. (I know, I've got one. But, he respects his mama, and without any hitting ever being done.) Once you get into a cycle of violence, it may not stop, for either him or you.

Respect can and usually IS EARNED by RESPECTING THE CHILD. Your baby either is terrified or already dissing you in his own little way. EITHER WAY, the HITTING ain't working. YOU CAN'T SEE THAT? Really, fairy, you are a smart womyn. You can do better than this. I KNOW you gave him a good start, I KNOW you are smart. THINK, girl. Don't HIT. It doesn't work in the long run, and already doesn't work in the short run for your child. THAT is a warning signal. There are better ways to earn respect and have a well behaved child.

 

It didn't happen after hours of waiting but as soon as we got there. You know what the whole time we were waiting my two sat there and talked with the adults. No fit throwing. We have left fit throwing behind now and I am not looking back.

Have to disagree with you here. People that would abuse a child do so not because the child isn't behaving usually but because they are taking out their own frustrations. Swatting a kid on the butt/hand does not equate. I never spank in anger. However, I usually never become angry like that and can't ever remember being that angry at a child.

I would watch this. I don't think it is ever a good idea to have the child think a punishment is a game. It kind of defeats the purpose.

 

Well, that's too bad that you physically assault your children because you are too lazy to bother being a parent. Way to be a good role model. How would you feel if one of your children (as adults) allowed their husband/wife, or boyfriend/girlfriend to beat them? Is that OK? No, it's only OK for YOU to beat your children.

Did it ever occur to you that your children have no respect for you, just fear? Once again, way to go.

 

You know what, get over yourself. Maybe you should try leaving the house more often. I am sorry that you are too immature to have a grown up conversation without fear mongering but oh well. I least the others here have had some good points. My children do not fear me and your kids are just too young to have even got in any trouble. Why don't you gain a little experience first before thinking you have everything figured out.

 

I think I'm all set hanging out in a forum that allows people to publicly admit to abusing their children.