Random Facts XXIX

Yeah, I'm seeing this is not simple to explain. But I think I need to find a way to explain, cuz my book needs to show folks what it's like for me.

Telling her to get out in my mind is useless. In fact the idea is kind of laughable. She can go silent on me - she's done this a few times. But that doesn't mean she's not there, and I damn well know it.

Writing to her and telling her it's over? Lately she acts externally like I'm a nuisance. If I told her it's over, she'd say something like, "You're telling me?"

Distraction is useless. She's still there.

I hafta tell you, right now she's laughing her head off about all this in my mind...

Yeah, in my mind I've told her a few times that it's over. What's the point? It's damn well not over - she's just not going anywhere.

Oh man, she is really laughing hard...

Do I want it to be over? Sometimes I do. But it's kinda hard. In my mind, most of the time, she's loving and wonderful to me. She's excellent company, and she's a lot of fun. It's only externally that she's an asshole. Well, once in a while she gets nasty in my mind, too, but not usually. Last week she kept making very caustically sarcastic remarks in my mind deriding me for my attitude toward her, because I was telling myself that all she does is fuck me up all the time. Which of course is not really true. I wrote her an email last Friday where I talked about her caustic sarcasm in my mind. She didn't reply, but in my mind over the weekend she suddenly started being amazingly sweet and loving.

She is a trip, lills - a real trip...

She's lauging again...

She's not involved in the occult - at least, in no way I'm aware of. She's a lecter in the Catholic church. There was another woman before her - that one was a very conservative, born-again, charismatic Christian. And she did the same kinds of things to me as Deanna, only never gave me any external contact after a certain point.

My wife tried to exorcise her one night not too long ago. (God, Deanna is really laughing about this one.) That was pretty interesting... I wrote Deanna an email afterward talking about how my wife had tried to exorcise me, but unfortunately it looks like Deanna is still stuck with me.

And to be honest with you: I have never met any woman, either before or since Deanna, whom I feel is a better match for me in almost every way. Deanna is pretty much my dream woman. Sure, I've met lots of women I love and enjoy - present company included - but none like her.

It's a tough situation, ain't it?

 

LOL

My Deanna sings, too. But she has black hair, and kind of a pixie face...

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/album.php?albumid=5811&pictureid=49866

 

well, if you are suited then you are suited and you seem pretty happy for her to be there... sounds like you are as resigned to being stuck with her as she is resigned to be stuck with you... maybe not so tough if you're relatively happy with things how they are... sounds like an almost ordinary, if slightly unusual marriage...

 

"Slightly" unusual, yes.

Externally for the last several months, she has been VERY nasty with me in emails sometimes. And at one point she slapped me in the face with a boyfriend she was seeing in her physical life - and she was not the least bit kind about it - her tone was kind of like, "fuck off, I have a real man."

THAT'S where it gets tough, lills. I would of course like the external relationship to be a clear reflection of the internal. Of course she has been unfriendly externally before, and then become friendly again - on multiple occasions. She always starts her unfriendly seasons by giving me some attaboy emails and confirmations of our internal relationship, and then when I'm feeling kinda good about the whole thing, she zaps me with some nasty shit, like with the new boyfriend.

In my mind she says "Everybody has to do this at some point." And she says, "It will get better." And she says, "I'll be with you in real life eventually."

So I am trying to hang in there...and enjoy what I have with her in my mind as much as I can manage.

And comfort myself sometimes with the thought that, if she's two-timing me, she's also two-timing him. Maybe "two-timing" is too low a count, anyway...and I'm not exactly true to her all the time in my mind, which she knows all too well.

Thanks for being a kind and attentive audience, lills.

 

burp

 

i am betting lillaly is sorry that she opened up the whole ''deana can of worms''lol.....zigmo-sometimes things seem so clear in ones head that one does not understand how absolutely fucking insane the same thoughts may appear to others...i believe this is the case here....zig....do you believe in magic too?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ml9KYH7tfk4"]YouTube - Fishin' Worms

 

tis psychic stuff.

 

Or maybe I'm outta my stinkin mind...

 

Oh, I know how it sounds, all righty. If I had read all this stuff 30 years ago I would have thought I'd gone loopy in my old age.

But Rolling, here's the thing: You're not questioning any specific points, you're just casting aspersions on the whole general idea. That's not rationality, it's bias.

 

i don't think so, just think it's something some of us understand and others do not.

lillaly left 'cos it was like 2 in the morning, i was online at the same time and i image she just wanted to go to bed - it was late

 

Yeah, actually I was surprised lills stayed up so late.

I know, I don't really think I'm outta my stinkin mind. I know what I've experienced, I have eyewitness corroboration of some of it, and I even have written evidence of some of it. It's easy to start from a point of "Well this kind of shit just obviously cannot happen," and from that conclude, "Therefore zen is out of his stinkin mind."

But: Why can't this kind of shit happen? Who says? Based on what? Some people's experience? The majority's experience?

Go take a look at quantum mechanics, and then tell me we understand exactly how the stinkin universe works...

 

I need to get my butt off the bed and get to work...

 

lol, hipforums is work sometimes :coffee:

 

i don't disagree with any of this. people are often worried about straying from the familiar when life is anything but - we haven't even touched the surface.

 

I will not be working out today, I just don't have it in me...I was lucky I was able to drag my butt out of bed...

 

i just ate a second helping of the roast lamb dinner i cooked yesterday.... raining and grey here.... i should go for a walk... maybe later when the dog is ready...

 

I did the 20-minute hustle, and I'm on the commuter train.

Yeah, sometimes Hipforums is more my career than my career.

There was an experiment done recently that demonstrated that future learning affects present performance. Stranger than fiction...

Rolling acts like a hardass, but he's helping me out. :2thumbsup:

 

^^^ hey, i did go to bed... just kinda fell asleep... (my dormouse phase... arf) hope it didn't appear i'd jumped ship... next time, look in the teapot, i'll prob be there...

ftr zengy, i can't say whether you're out of your mind or not.. as you know i had worried and still do sometimes regarding my own sanity... i believe that either is possible (outta mind and there really being something there that is more than just the rational, materialistic paradigm that seems to have it's grip on the world)...

aaanyway, this is the random facts thread, i think that next time, if something needs to be discussed in more detail, i'll take it to yours, or whoever's home profile and chat on there instead... anyone wanting to follow the conversation can go take a look, then we can leave random facts thread intact???

 

i wasn't talking about rolling specifically, just society in general. it's not like rolling actually counts as a normal member of society, after all