"Pedophile Blues" By James D. Padgett

Don't worry, Soulfire. You've got to be American to appreciate this, but due to the British Medicare system going up the Swanee (up the shitcreek without a puddle) they can't afford too much medication over there. Plus they've released a lot of patients from mental health hospitals back into the community. I am sure that Ronald is pretty harmless, as long as you don't keep sharp objects nearby. Or Whoppers.

Going back to your joke, it was ok, but I was more hoping that you would attempt to write a quick short story to show your creative side, apart from guns and violence. I thought Sentient's words were very encouraging to you. So don't let crazy ron put you off. Go ahead and do it, man. Write some stuff.

 

I think that phrase "the dogs bollocks" is awful I mean why on earth would a pair of sweaty dog nuts be the euphemism for something good or top class ? Whats so good about the dogs bollocks
Is it possible to say "my dogs bollocks are the dogs bollocks"?

 

(15 British Marines are in a boat. Somewhere in the Persian Gulf.)

MARINE 1: Sergeant, are you sure we're still in Iraqi waters?

SERGEANT: Look into my eyeball, boy.

MARINE 1: What does that mean, sergeant?

MARINE 2: It means that the sergeant has been watching "Aliens" again, so you're not going to get a straight answer, i.e. it's on a "need to know basis".

MARINE 1: I'm confused.

SERGEANT: That's allright, son. That's why we're British marines.

LADY MARINE: Yeah, but, no, but, why weren't we given a GPS system? Then we'd know exactly where we are.

MARINE 3: Don't be a silly woman. We're supposed to be marines. We don't need no GPS.

LADY MARINE: Yeah, but, no, but, all right then, why don't we have any back up? We're in a rubber dinghy and a cruiser is supposed to be in our immediate vicinity. That's in our maritime procedures. And where's the chopper? Isn't it supposed to be scouting the area?

SERGEANT: It's refuelling.

LADY MARINE: Yeah, but, no, but, SHUT UP, and why did they suddenly change the directive for interrogation by the enemy under duress?

MARINE 5: Excuse me? Can someone explain?

LADY MARINE: Don't you give me them evils! They said that if we get caught we are supposed to comply with everything the enemy tell us to do. Every other army in the world just gives their name, rank and number, as outlined by the Geneva Convention...

MARINE 6: Geneva, what? Are we going skiing?

LADY MARINE: Listen, you bunch of stupid tossers, something's going on, I know it. Why did they express NOT to use our guns if we get caught by the enemy? What happened to the rules of engagement?

(Suddenly a destroyer appears out of the haze, complete with rocket launchers, anti-aircaft machine-guns, M&Ms, you-name-it. On top of the deck appears a huge gun, wearing a captain's hat. Behind him, wearing a sailor's cap, is a massive pair of dog's bollocks.)

GUN: Heh heh heh! Did someone mention "guns"? Heh heh heh!

LADY MARINE: It's YOU!!! You traitor! You defected to the other side! How much are they paying you Johnson?

GUN: Business is business, sister. Now climb onboard, the lot of you. I've been told to take you back to Tehran and jail you in the presidential suite of the Marriott. Seaman Dog's Bollocks, lock them up in the brig.

DOG'S BOLLOCKS: Aye aye, cap'n. Right, you land lubbers, you 'eard the ol' pistol. On your feet and move it! Will you be 'avin Continental breakfast, or Full English?

LADY MARINE: Oh, bollocks!

DOG'S BOLLOCKS: Cannibal!

Moral of the story: If you got nads, but haven't got a johnson, then you're just a pair of old dog's bollocks.

 

In 200 years time the bbc will make that into a costume drama

 

Just to set the record straight for the uninitiated in Middle East poltics, he's Persian or Iranian, not Arabic. They speak Farsi in Iran, not Arabic. And they're Shia Muslims, as opposed to Sunni Muslim in other parts of the Middle East, close to Iran. Pretentious geography lesson over, I think George should play the part of Popeye and the dude with the beard should play Bluto. Giving Popeye one up the brown starfish, of course.

 

Hmmm I just dont buy your theory about iranians not being arabic I mean the Americans speak English and they are not English. The Canadians speak french but they are not french. The persians are an arabic nation, its full of people being arabic

 

Is there any point in trying to have a sensible conversation with you. If anyone else asked me I would be quite willing to answer. No offence, but you are an utter birk, so what's the point in me going into a lengthy explanation only for you to debase it with your immature, pointless attempt at humour? Just face it, I'm the brains in here, and you are just a stupid monkey. Next.

 

Educational. I always thought they were arabic, but I just read the whole of the history of iran on wikipedia and it says they speak arabic, or did it say the koran is written in arabic - hmm I will give you the benifit of the doubt

 

They tend to translate from Persian to Arabic often, but they are very separate cultures. The Persians are one of the oldest civilizations on earth. In their prime they were what the United States are at the moment. Due to the Islamic faith, Arab culture blended with Persian over time, but Iranians are still fanatical and proud of their roots, and see themselves as Persians, not Arabs.

 

Closed as the original link is no longer working, if the author wishes to PM me to repost his story please do
S