Monogomy, yay or nay

Monogamy is not just having only one wife. Monogamy, as I define it, means being in a sexual relationship with one person -- and ONLY one person -- for LIFE, whether married or not.

That is utterly unnatural to me and I will never conform to that standard. It breeds distrust, jealousy and possessiveness -- the number-one destroyer of relationships.

I prefer "polyamory" to "polyfidelity" because "polyfidelity" is, in my opinion, an oxymoron. It still contains some of the restrictions of monogamy within a polyamorous relationship. And it can still breed distrust, jealousy, and possessiveness if one of the partners in a "polyfidelitous" relationship goes outside it. This, too, is unacceptable to me.

It is true that polyamory does not necessarily include or exclude marriage. But the one thing that distinguishes polyamory from polyfidelity is that polyamory cannot tolerate the distrust, jealousy and possessiveness that both monogamy and polyfidelity can breed.

It's like matter and anti-matter: Polyamory and DJP cannot peacefully co-exist.

-- Skeeter

 

i'm an agnostic monogamist that wants to give and receive an expression of true love Skeeter. Monogamy has absolutely no religious connection with me. It is a physical choice that acts simultaneously as an emotional commitment to the person I love.

 

Where do you get any evidence for this? Monogamy happened to appear long before the Christian church, sorry to tell you that. Monogamy appeared in the fertile cresent (which is even before the Jewish church) as a response to the growing populations and the settling down of humans. As populations outgrew their land, society came together and tried to make new laws in which to govern the size of a village...Monogamy came out of this as an attempt to control population.
The Christian church indorces Monogamy but saying they invented it is silly and just mis-informed. As well around the world monogamy was practiced long before Christian missionaries go there.

AS well in response to your post. There are monogamous gay/same-sex couples. You are your partner may not be able to do it, but they do exist.

 

I just want to say that i am really a nice guy , and open minded, and i apologise if i sound rude trying to communicate in this medium.

I wish we were in the same place enjoying dinner. I think we would all get to know eachother much quicker.

I really do respect all of your opinions, and your attempt to share them.

namaste' patch

 

um...I'm a girl.

 

I stand corrected as to the origin of monogamy, but you nonetheless did not dispute my main point that monogamy was developed as a behavioral-control mechanism. And I still submit that to control population growth, controlling male sexual behavior was absolutely vital, since women have always outnumbered men.

Monogamous same-sex MALE couples are indeed in the minority, according to sex researchers Phillip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz, authors of the landmark 1980 study "American Couples: Love, Work, Sex." Their study found that lesbian couples were the most monogamous and gay-male couples the most polyamorous, with unmarried hetero couples only slightly less monogamous then married hetero couples.

And as one who has had first-hand personal experience in the gay (and bi) male community for nearly 30 years, I can tell you that few same-sex male couples are strictly monogamous (and such couples tend to be well over age 40, when the libido, for many, if not most men, begins to decline).

-- Skeeter

 

Well I'm being a lamen and when I say monogamy I mean a physical, emotional, and spiritual commitment to one and only one partner. I appreciate your explanation of the technical definition of polygamy though. I don't think its immoral to cheat, in fact I don't believe in morals. But I do know that I treat people the way I like to be treated (not because I have to, not because of some moral code guilting me into it, but because I have a natural inclanation to).

Furthermore, do not interpret this as "koopa has decided that the way he treats people is better so he looks for a moral code to assure it". The fact of the matter is that for some there is no question at all. A desire to be monogamous is an expression of love that some people feel naturally. I don't claim to be better than any polygamist and I don't claim to be right. This thread asked what I prefer and I gave my preference. It is my preference because I know how much emotional pain a love triangle can produce. I refuse to believe that one person can maintain two seperate relationships, develop them to there fullest, and make them as rewarding as possible for all parties involved.

 

LOL wow that made my life haha. nice one.

 

Yeah, uhm, sorry Angel.
I feel pretty clutzy now. Nothing to really put a fellow in his place like that, huh?

You are very gracious. Again my apologies. I owe you one.

Ahem, you can stop laughing now dietcoketree. . . . .

 

But having more than one partner in polygamy is NOT a love triangle! A love triangle deals with a lot of hurt and pain like you said. It entails wondering if that person loves you or actually loves someone else and not you because there is a desire of having only one partner.

In polygamy it isn't a question on whether or not that person loves you or not. You know they do but they also love others as well (whether that be physically or emotinally or both). It isn't a backstabbing thing like with cheating. There is NO betrayal. It's an openess and understanding with all people involved. Like I said before it's like having more than one friend. You aren't going to disown your friend because they have more than one.

A lot of people who don't understand polygamy try to associate it with the idea of taking a monogamist relationship and adding in another party in which they associate with that of cheating. But it isn't like that. It's not a matter of lying or jeliousy or rejection like with cheating. Cheating usually entails something is wrong with the relationship.

In polygamy it's a basic understanding and openess and a true expression of trust. I absoultly feel not a drop of hurt when my boyfriend wants to go with a boyfriend of his nor do I get mad if I see him kissing another person. It actually makes me happy that he is happy. Because that's really all I care about is his happines and it is in no way making me sacrifice my own. The relationship between me and him shouldn't and isn't effected by other people.

Hehe. It's okay. Honest mistake.

 

monogamy . . . somethign i particpate in due to the respect i have for both myself and my partner.

if i'm THAT horny and he's not around, i'll just do the job myself

 

Well I understand your take and appreciate you taking the time to explain it so elloquently. Polygamy would fail to nuture me emotionally and psychologically. I want a love so true that there is NO DESIRE FOR ANOTHER and without that I wouldn't be satisfied. Once again I understand your position but from my perspective you are playing yourself. You are following a custom generated by some barbaric neanderthal man. Of course I'm assuming that a majority of humans share the emotional needs I possess and you claim to lack. Have you ever had any relationship where you have no desire to be with anybody else? And BTW if you want to get so technical....doesn't polygamy involve marriage? You wrote boyfriend........
If you have a boyfriend who has more than one partner I'd simply call that a non-committed relationship not polygamy. Have you ever been married to more than one man? Have you ever been married men who didn't have multiple wives? Have you ever even been married?

 

there is that. Probably when people have been using polygamy in this thread, they mean polyamory, but it's definitely good to remember the difference

 

If its cool with your luvr and your such, i dont believe marriage counts for anything in the case of monogamy but If ur hubby or ur chick is cool with it knock yourself out. Myself? im dating a wonderful girl and i luv her more than enough to know that i wont need to go anywhere for any extra luvin. I stay tru and i belive that if ur dating somebody your shouldnt sleep around on them if they arent sleepin around on you lol. yeah thats my take

 

i agree 100%
nice to know that the younger generation gets it too! Kinda illustrates my point that it is a natural expression of love. Unless of course Nolans a bible thumper then it could relate back to a forced morality issue

 

I'm not playing myself and I don't find it barbaric (nor do I appreciate such remarks). My boyfriend didn't talk me into it either. I actually aproached him upon the matter because he's bi-sexual. I felt like I'd be taking something away from him considering he desires both sexes. My only desire is for him to be happy and I think that is a show of true love.

I don't know what emotional needs you're talking about. I don't have the desire to own someone or keep them selfishly to myself. I lack insecurity and jelously. But shouldn't selfishness and insecurity be lacked if you truly are in love?

If you really think about it we have relationships with everyone. Family, friends, strangers... We relate to all of them in some way shape or form and it's impossible to NOT relate to anyone unless there is only two people in the world. So everyone has mulitple relationships. Not all of them are "the one" romance. So yes I do feel my boyfriend is my soul mate and love him very much. I love my friends as well but to a lesser extent (like most people). But the difference is I will hug, kiss, and have sex with them; I'm merely showing them the affection I have for them and I don't see any wrong to that.

I'm not trying to be technical... I just thought "polygamy" is easier to write than "a relationship with more than one person".

And besides I don't think the term is a matter of importance. The debate here is more than one person in a realtionship vs one person in a relationship.

Nope. I've never been married and I don't plan on it. I think marriage is silly, but then that's another argument.

 

while you're correct that the term isn't the point of the debate, most people call that POLYAMORY. -gamy means marriage, not relationship.. polyamory refers to being in love with more than one person at a time.

 

Well thanks for being so honest. At this point we should just agree to disagree because after your last responses I don't view you as a credible source for this debate. You are a 21 year old girl in a non-committed relationship. You ARE playing yourself. Don't you realize that your boyfriend could be a better boyfriend if he only had one relationship to focus on. Your remarks sound like the words of a brainwashed person "my only desire is for him to be happy" Sounds like you have the self esteem issues you just tried to project onto me in the last post. Don't try to tell me I am selfish / insecure / and jealous just because I know what I'm worth and won't settle for less.......keep turning a blind eye to your needs and living for somebody else sweetheart, i wish you luck as you walk down the road to your own nightmare. Say hi to the former polygamy practicing mormons for me at your support group in the future

 

That's absoutly rude and uncalled for. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm wrong or have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm hardly brainwashed because I've made all these choices on my own. I know what my needs are and my boyfriend takes care of me and mine. I don't see what's wrong with living for another person. I feel that's a part of love and something you should feel when in love. If you desire that person and only that person alone wouldn't you want to fufill their needs too or is it just about your own?

I'm not trying to call you selfish or insecure. I just don't know what emotions you are trying to point out to me that you say I lack. Please explain to me or I'm just merely left in the dark.

I don't think it's very nice to say that. Let's be civil here. I don't call your ways and views a nightmare waiting to happen, so I expect the same common curtosy from you. Let's be mature here especially since you want to wave in my face how young I am.

 

your actions wave your age in my face. I'm trying to wake you up out of a coma and your complaining that shaking you is rude.....

I'm not here to make you feel warm and fuzzy about your lack of foresight, sorry.