Monogomy, yay or nay

i think that monogamy is fine and dandy if it's mutual and not grudgingly. i think i speak for most when i say that during the phase of initial passion it is not exactly difficult to be monogomous i mean chances are you and you other were all over eachother at the beginning but it does die down and that is where the dedication comes from. when the sex isn't as free and impulsive as it once was and so i don't think it is right to bind someone you truely love into a monogomous relationship unless you intend to provide all the passion that they would be recieving with multiple partners

 

The open-minded part of me wants to say "whatever works for you."

HOWEVER,

I really don't see how any poly-anything could work on a long-term basis. This opinion is not based on any preconceptions, or moral models, or anything like that. It is based on personal, gut-level experience.

When you are with someone in a physical way, it does such a number on your emotions, that I can't imagine going off and doing something with someone else. That person that you're with becomes precious to you, on a very primal level. (At least, that's how it works for me, in my limited experience.)

Yes, I'm reading this forum about folks who live differently, and I'm trying to understand and learn. In a fantasy world, the idea of free love is appealing, but in reality, my gut tells me that it can never work for the long haul. This is one of those lessons that surprised me. But then life has a way of teaching you lessons that you don't expect to learn.

 

Thor, you say you read these post, did you read mine?

I said nothing about free love. I spoke of polyfidelity.

To say it 'can't' work is to not know about the history of it. It HAS worked. In fact it has worked for me.

 

Oh, and Lisa,

You are SHINEY !

 

!!!

 

People should do what makes them happiest. Personally I'd settle for any sort of -ogamy at this point, but the specific sort is open for negotiation. Penn & Teller have that show on Showtime where they debunk myths and such, one of them is on the concept of monogamy and true love (there's another one on sex myths, as well); pretty interesting stuff.

 

rasta,

I did read your post, and I understand what you say about polyfidelity (as opposed to free love). I know that many people say that it works for them, and I wish you all well.

I was just writing about my own, viceral knowlege that I can't live that way. I've been with the same, great woman for over two years, and I can't imagine that either of us could continue the relationship if the other one wanted to bring in a third party.

Sleeping around if you're not in a relationship might be nice, and as long as everyone understands the rules. I have those fantasies too, but I don't think it could ever work for me. Physical intimacy produces an emotional connection that calls for an exclusive relationship. It's not anything that I could have predicted, and I'm not moralizing, it's just my observation.

 

That was a little more clear, but not much.

When you communicate you say never when you mean two years, can't when you mean preference, and us when you mean yourself. Those habits will serve you better in monogamy.
You also say sleeping around in a post addressed to me. If you think polyfidelity has anything to do with sleeping around you are wrong.

In my guidlines two years is just a courtship. Most of my relationships have lasted between 7 and 20 years. Before i would consumate (with coitus. Kissiing and petting is allowed earlier) a relationship we would first need to date, then say we wanted to consumate our relationship, and THEN courtship for six months. After that time we would plan a very special event for the consumation of our relationship.
Done this way a relationship builds trust. When i date a new girl my 'wives' do not think i am 'fucking' a stranger. They trust me because i showed restraint when i courted them.

These have been my guidlines my entire life, and have served me well. The only problem i have ever had was folks who could not understand it.

I always feel like i wrote to much, and sound like a soapbox preacher. sorry.

 

Polygomy or polyfidelity could never work for me. Call me selfish, but I just don't want to share something that special with someone else. I feel sex is an intimate thing between two people that is another way of us expressing our love for someone...not something you simply just throw around like a dirty rag. It is my personal opinion and if others want to do it, it's fine...for me...it's not.

 

DancerAnnie wrote: "I feel sex is an intimate thing between two people that is another way of us expressing our love for someone...not something you simply just throw around like a dirty rag."

I agree that sex is an intimate thing between two (or more) people, and that it is a way of expressing love. It is sacred and bonding and connecting. I'm not interested, myself, in getting very sexual with people unless I'm in relationships with them.

And I also know that my lovers and I are capable of deeply loving more than one person without detracting from our love for the others. In fact, supporting my loves in their other relationships is, itself, an expression of my love for them.

In other words, polyamory has *everything* to do with using sex as an intimate expression of love, and *nothing* to do with throwing sex around like a dirty rag.

 

I guess I just can't...or rather choose not to.

 

I say, for myself, nay to monogamy. It simply will not work for me. I love my husband to death, but I cannot thrive in a purely monogamous relationship.

 

Sex is a phsyical. Love is emotional. The two together are absoutly wonderful, but they are absolutly not the same thing. Sex consists of drives to want other partners and can be brought on by sight. Love consists of getting closer to other people and is more brought on by involvoing that person more into your life.

Women tend to not understand this as much as males because I believe due to the fact they don't have as strong physical 'urges' as males. So there's a lot of controversey here due to that.

I'm not saying you have to have sex all over the place with everyone you think is attaractive. But it's important to understand that sex is a base need and itsn't anway contected to love which is a desire rather than a need.

However it isn't okay for a man to sneak around and feel all macho because he cheated on his girl and she doesn't know it and he'll do it again too. This is more about abuse and lying. Trust is exteamly important in a relationship. If you're sneaking around there's an extream problem!

But however if you are compleatly open with your partner and understand the other and still see other people, to me there's nothing wrong with that. If everyone is okay with it then there isn't a problem and actually you'd be surprised at how much more it can deepen a relationship. (it can't however fix a broken relationship)

Me and my boyfriend have actually brung other people into the bedroom with us and he's seen other people on the side and I have ocasionally myself. But because we are so open and expressive with each other, nothing is hidden. He doesn't have to feel like he needs to lie to me when he finds another girl or guy attractive. It's actually fun to further learn about your partner when you are able to talk about what they find attractive without feeling offended.

And besides just because you are having sex with other people doesn't kill the love or make it seem less singnificant. With me and my boyfriend we've actually gained a new found apreciation for the other. When your with someone else it only makes you realize how much you love and enjoy that other person. You never feel trapped and if anything makes you want to be with that person even more!

I think that has to do with a lot of failed marriages. A lot of times a relationship can be going well but when they marry all they can think about is "omg, I'm going to be with this person only all my life!" And then you start thinking about what you can't have verses what you have.

However when you are with someone in an open relationship the trapped feeling is gone and when you can have anything you want, you are more likely to have what you favor the most and you rarely think about what you can't have verses what you can.

The biggest issue with society today is that there's a lot of pressure to be with one person exculsivly and that sex=love or that in a relationship sex=love so no sex with anyone you don't love. But really that isn't natural or true at all and the only thing you are doing is denying yourself of what could be a wonderful relationship if you wouldn't cage it up all the time.

Besides, if you truly love someone, set them free. Why does society always feel the need to own things and be so selfish. I just find it so crazy. Why wouldn't you want the one you love to be happy and able to explore his/her desires to the fullest? It's such an issue of control! All other aspects in trying to control someone in a relationship is bad so why is okay for this one thing?

Sorry for the long post. This kind of thing always makes me so crazy! And this is coming from a female.

 

Maybe the one you're with fulfills everything you need in a person. Then you don't need more than one person, now do you?

 

You are most likely talking about emotinal needs which is enterily differntant than physical like I was trying to explian. Because if not, do you not find anyone else beside your partner attractive? Are you saying that if you are in love with someone all natural, base insticts suddenly disappear? That all of a sudden a man who natrually thinks about having sexual desires by just seeing an attractive body suddenly disappears? That doesn't make sense. Because if you seriously doubt that, show a man whose married for x amount of years a porno magazine. He's gonna have desires that aren't attached to his wife.

 

I bet there are men out there that get their needs fulfilled physically as well from one partner. That's why I think this polygomy thing is a crock...it's all about physical needs...not emotional ones. And if that's the case, the guy or the girl is just using the "extra" person to fulfill those needs that their partner isn't fulfilling...and that's a slap in the face if you look at it that way.

I say, if the person you're with can't satisfy ALL your needs (which, come on people, be realistic here)...then you need to dump them and find someone else. Because I DO believe that there is at least one person out there that CAN.

 

Well if they weren't getting their physical needs fulfilled then they'd not bother having sex with that person anymore no would they? They can get satisified by their partner but just because you're satisfied with something shouldn't mean you get trapped by it.

Let me put it to you this way. Let's compare sex with eating which is also a base need and works very similar to all base needs. There was a study conducted that if you put a person in a room and told them they could have every single sweet on the table BUT Oreos, they'd want to eat the oreos. They also did it the oposite way that you can't have any sweet on the table BUT the Oreos and people wanted to eat anything but the oreos even if oreos were their favorite. Conclusion? That people want to be free. They always desire things they can't have. And even if they have it they desire something else they can't have. It's just human nature.

Now pick out your favorite food. It could be absoutly anything. And then someone tells you, you have to eat ONLY that food for all meals for the rest of your exisistance. You may think it's absoutly great at first but then the taste gets boring and bland. You may not care about eating after while and then may even start dreading it. Then you start to look on to people who are eating other things. You start to crave the other foods.

However if you were to be able to eat anything you wanted, you would apreciate that food all the more. Probably still eat that food the most and find it still the most delicious and never dread but always absolutly enjoy that food every time you ate it.

So how does that compare to sex? Study how sex in marriage works. It starts off everyday and then slowly dwindles down to once a week to once a month then to maybe even not at all or scarely exsistant. Then what? Those people are still going to have desires for sex (since it's a base need like eating) and they're going to go off cheating or end the marriage in a divorce.

All you have to do is swap the favorite food with a lover and there you go. Just because someone is eating a food besides their favorite doesn't mean they don't love the favorite the most or don't apreciate it. It's the same with people, just because someone has sex with other people doesn't mean they don't love to do it with them or aren't satisfied with it. It's just natural to want something that isn't always the same or else it get's to scedualed, boring, and extreamly unapreciated since it's taken for granted.

It's only the slap in the face if you're absoutly untrusting and insecure in your relationship.

Actually I think it's you who needs to be realistic. You obviously live in a fairy tale fantasy land shoved upon you by the society's out look on life. Espeically girl's in our society were raised to think sex=love. But realisiticly it's NOT. It's a base instinict that is enforced to ensure the survival of the species. It has nothing to do with love. When you have sex with a random person you don't fall in love with them. Or else are you saying that when a girl gets raped they'll fall in love with them? It's something else entierly differnt that often gets confused because of the emotion that can get evoked with it.

Seriously I think it's sad society forces men to constantly lie to their women about how they are feeling. The base drive of sex is so much more promininent for them it's difficult for them to ignore it. It's like being absolutly starving and watching a hamburger walk by and knowing all you can only eat is a carrot.

I'm not saying you have to have sex with differnt people. But it's extreamly important to understand the nature of men or else you'll probably get seriously hurt when you realize the truth behind all the lies. And really I seriously doubt I'll ever convince you. But that's your world and not mine.

 

Let me just say,

Not everyone is the same and I am in a relationship that is very healthy all on its own. We don't need other people to be happy in our relationship. We are satisified in every way. If I can find someone like that, anyone can.

I'm not equating sex with love...LOL that's ridiculous. I just think that sex is a sacred thing that should be shared with someone that you love, not every Tom Dick and Harry, just because you're attracted to them. For Christ's sake, show some self restraint.

I don't care what others do in their bedroom. I just choose not to and I'm sorry but anything you throw at me isn't going to change my mind. I'm FAR from insecure, especially in my relationship. I'm not a jealous person or controlling by any means...I just choose to be in a relationship without involving others.

Also, sex in marriage doesn't ALWAYS dwindle. That's ridiculous. I know a lot of people who have been married for years...including my grandparents who have been married for 52 years who still have a very active sex life (trust me, they talk about it way too much).

How is it not a slap in the face to want someone else? "Sorry, Sally, I want to have sex with someone else, you're just not fulfilling all of my needs." sheesh, talk about selfish . Why not try to work on things with your partner instead of looking elsewhere? If you're not happy in a specific part of the relationship, work on it!

I'M living in a fairy tale? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That's HILARIOUS! You're the one that wants to be able to have sex with many different women! Talk about living in a fantasy world. If one person makes you happy, why do you need to look elsewhere????

So, you're saying, that women should just suck it up and let there men have sex with other women??? Haven't women been degraded enough in history? Oh, so men have NEEDS, so we as women should let them be fulfilled by others...

Sheesh...you're crazy.

Also...I find it extremely difficult to compare food with love. Love is a deep feeling...not an object.

 

Go Annie!

 

I think monogomy is great if that's what you both want.. me and my husband both have agreed for awhile that we are both so sexual that we want to have an open relationship when it comes to sex.. we haven't had any experiences yet because we haven't found the right people but we plan to have threesomes and swing and have a good time sexually TOGETHER... I think it will ultimately help our marrige.. I'm bi and we have an agreement that if he meets a girl he finds really attractive and he thinks I'd like her we might invite her to join us.. and same goes both ways.. I'm not worried about him ever cheating on me because he doesn't have to.. I'm excited to see what we will do sexually in the future.. we have an amazing relationship..
so I think you should just do what feels right in your relationship... everyone's differant..