"mentally cheating?"

This I agree with. To me cheating is defined as anything that you couldn't tell your partner because you knew that you would get in trouble or hurt them. If you were talking to a girl or a guy friend and you knew that your partner would be mad or upset that you were, in a way your cheating.

Regardless of why your S/O would be mad, your cheating yourself out of a healthy relationship if you do stuff that you know upsets the other.

 

Regardless of why your S/O would be mad, your cheating yourself out of a healthy relationship if you do stuff that you know upsets the other.

Very good point. If you love each other, then you want each other to be happy. If you do things that you know upsets your partner, that's just being childish.

 

exactly :cheers2:

 

So it sounds like you would not have an affair with a married man, right?

 

Not unless his wife was also involved.

 

Like a three-way thing?

 

Yah.

 

How would you see something like that happening? What about jealousy? What if the man fell in love with you and you liked the man's wife more? How could that type of relationship flourish?

 

Oh, you're talking about a longer term thing. Sorry Spud, that's not what I was thinking of when you first asked. I was just thinking of a little nookie on the side, which is ok with me as long as his wife is involved, or at least present. The point is that I don't do anything behind anyone's back. To me, that's what makes cheating.

But since you bring it up ... it's a very good question ...

What I think you're talking about is polyamory, which I think is a perfectly acceptable arrangement, but I think the important thing is communication. Everyone has to be up front about their feelings. That's true with any relationship, but especially this kind, where three people are involved.

Obviously, this could get very complicated and very messy. If, as you say, feelings developed that weren't equal on all three sides, then somebody is going to get hurt. Could I do it? I dunno, maybe.

I have a feeling that I've trivialized this subject, but it's difficult to talk about in a few sentences. This would be a good topic for a new thread.

 

I admire your principles about cheating. I think it's easier for a man to stray from a relationship - just look at all of these "cheaters" internet websites that abound (www.ashlymadison.com). I think about it all-the-time, but in-the-end, I know that it ain't right. I would probably do it if a woman initiated the contact. I would still feel guilty though. I don't think that being sexually frustrated (no-sex) in a relationship is reason for divorce. I would prefer a little nooky-on-the-side, with no strings attached and see what happens.

 

It would very much depend on who it was. If it's some movie star then I really would not care but if it's some woman that he actually knows then I would have a problem with it.

 

Well, I dunno. The world is full of shades of gray, and almost never black-and-white. But to me you're either married or you're not. What does your wife think of your idea?

 

My idea about the possibility of a threesome or having an affair with another woman? I haven't told her about either. My guess is that she wouldn't approve of it (the affair or the threesome). Although, she is pretty open-minded and I might be surprised! We don't talk about sex too much (or do it for that matter). So, it's more about my desires than her's.

 

we have done 3somes and group sex and whatnot so it's only natural that we think of others and are open about it. but i think if the person has to think of someone else or is constantly thinking of someone else.... you should should reconsider your relationship. THOUGHT CRIME!!!

 

Although, she is pretty open-minded and I might be surprised!

My advice would be to try the threesome idea on her first. I wouldn't expect the affair idea to exactly go over too well.

We don't talk about sex too much (or do it for that matter).

Do you suppose those two things are related?

 

Ok. Any ideas on how to pop the question? How would you ask the question? How would you start the conversation?

 

You're good. You must be a therapist. I think they are related. It's complicated. I guess it has to do with having babies and losing interest in sex.

 

Ok Mr Spud ... listen to Dr. Caliente here ... *wink*

I'm sure it's very complicated. How long have you been married? Sex issues are rarely just about sex ... they're usually about other things, too. Are the two of you intimate with each other in non-sexual ways? Do you hold hands in public? Kiss and snuggle during the day? Shower together? Eat meals together? Sleep together? Spend time together away from kids and other domestic chores? Do you tell her how much you love her? Do you miss her when you're apart?

You know the old saying ... "for men, sex leads to intimacy ... for women, intimacy leads to sex". Like most old sayings, that's an oversimplification, but there's more than a grain of truth in it.

If your answer to the intimacy question was "no", then I'd say that's a good place to start. Women love intimacy. This is a very general statement, of course, but the more intimate and loving a woman feels toward you, the more she will want to have sex with you. To a woman, sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy.

If your answer was "yes", then there might be health or hormonal issues why she has lost interest in sex. There's no reason a healthy woman your age can't be a horndog.

I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to try and tell you what to do about your marriage. These are just my feelings about the subject. I wish you the best

Carole

ps-- nice Kokopelli logo

 

Thank you Dr. Caliente for your insightfullness. You bring up some good points and I guess that age out adage is true, "the truth hurts." Here goes with my responses to your questions...

We've been married for 27 years and raised two boys (who are now men 26 and 22). We sometimes hold hands in public (my partner and I - not the kids). A kiss and a hug when I get home from work and then from time-to-time... We never have showered together (I think that would be too personal for her). We eat dinner together every night and go to the movies -every once-and-a-while. Go out to eat too every so often. The kids are grown and out of the house (we're empty-nesters). I tell her I love her at times. I don't think I miss her to much when we're apart (I travel to other cities for meetings, training and conferences as part of my job).

So, I guess there's some intimacy in our relationship - just not the sex.

Also, I make the kokopellis. I make garden art (cast stone and plaster). Let me know if your interested - in the garden art.

Spud

 

Mr. Spud - - two things from my perspective:

If sharing taking a shower is too intimate for your wife, then I wouldn't expect her to be open to many of the sex acts that you may be fantasizing.

IMO somewhat biased position says that your wife is perfectly normal …. a person who grew up thinking that life was a 1950s movie. Sex can be fun when you’re young, but is primarily for making babies …. and you’ve done that. I looks to me as though you’ve done an excellent job of fulfilling that 1950s projection for her ... all the things that you described …. except accepting her 110% for who she is.

We all have our personal boundaries. If you respect her boundaries, the more likely she is to soften them. If you test her boundaries, the more likely she is to strengthen them.

Trolls are opinionated! . . . . but seldom wrong!

Good luck my friend!