Marriage or not?

You are SOOOOOO right, Mama Goose. And I am not talking from a Morality perspective, because that isn't my busines. Open Marraiges just don't work out. Humans want Monogamy. People who claim they aren't capable of monogamy, IMO, just havne't been in the right relationship yet. (Again, not morality, but common sense. I know of NO person who wants their lover, who they have made a huge time, energy, financial, ect commitments to each other to be fucking someone else. It's just human nature.

 

About my first comment I in no way meant to advocate the fact that marriage should be looked at as an "what can I gain from this experience" type of thing or a conveinance.... I don't belive you should get married w/ out being in love. Saying that though, I just wanted to voice an extreme possiblity, in case there is anyone out there in the place I was at when I dated and almost got married to "the kinda guy every girl hopes to marry" who made me miserable, just because of all the benefits and the entirely off state of mentality I was in. Marriage is hard, one day, not today (because I am only 19) I hope to be able experience that journey. I just wanted to give some people some examples from my life so far...good things (my parents relationship) and bad things (thinking of marriage for all the wrong reasons)

Thanks for you response, I hope one day to be able to have the kind of love and knowledge of a happy, healthy, home and family that you do SugarMaggie.

 

I never thought I would get married or have children. When i was younger it seemed like such a dull life. Now here i am at 25 married almost 3 years w/ two children (22 months and 2 months) and i've never been happier. We sort of have an open marriage on my part (meaning my husband can see other women ) although he's only acted on it once.

 

I think I'll be single my whole life, but I'll consider marriage if the right person comes along.

 

Um, so he gets to screw around, and, you don't? I don't get this. Is it an "open marraige" or does he just insist he "needs" to do other womyn?

If it is a true open marraige, how do you work that when there are children involved?

How does one avoid the emotional attachment that comes with sex? I am NOT attacking you, I just don't see how this can work. ANd neither do most Marriage and Relationship researchers and therapists.

I grew up in the 70s, some of my parents freinds did this (usually because one was already having an affair, but they wanted their wife or husband to come back to, in case it did work out, so they "suggested" an open relationship, and the spouse went along with it so they wouldn't "lose" their spouse. ALL of them ALL ended up broken up within 5 years, most sooner than that. Most of the research into Human Sexual relations shows that womyn are almost always the ones most harmed by "open marragies" and frequently men are as well, and that it never, ever "strenthens" a marragie. Usually it is a last ditch effort, because one member of the relationship wants to or is already screwing around, and the other goes along with it, to hopefully avoid breaking up,

Thing is, more than 95% of "Open Marragies" fail.

The ones which did survive gave up the "Openess" and all these couples had NO children. And the children of these "experiments" which failed usually end up needing serious help in how to relate to partners as adults. Not to mention the confusion, when pregnancies occur and no one is sure whose baby is whose.

agreeing to this is signing your divorce papers, on the day you say "OK" to this.

Why is it that every person who has one of these situations breaks up, but they are all still proclaiming that the Open Marraige wasn't the culprit? *sigh*

 

thanks for the FYI fritz!

So, now that Im in a serious relationship Im talking marriage. We are in love and all that wonderful stuff. And marriage has become a necessity because he does not have canadian residency. Im sure he could get it since he studies here, but marriage will be a much easier and guaranteable way to go.

 

I guess I'm for single for life!
For the time being...
You never know when you may change your mind...

 

I am engaged and planning to get married in Sept 2007, and it will be an exclusive marriage - we both believe in commiting ourself to each other completely. I have always wanted to get married, although I didn't go out of my way to find a husband and I never actually thought it would happen, but was ecstatic when he proposed. He is absolutely the love of my life. I can't imagine being with anyone else

 

marriage itself doesnt matter to me... i just want to find my love and see where life takes us.

 

tehehehe. I'm crazy: I already have my wedding planned out (actually I have 3 planned, but I'm leaving it up to Jeremy to decide which one) down to the dresses of everyone, the place, the music, the theme even the flowers and the centerpieces and favors are all picked out and I have it all drawn up on a Word document complete with exact pictures of everything.

Jer hasn't proposed yet, but I am expecting it any day now. Might be after the house, but it could be before. I know it will be this year (2006-2007). I mean, he doesn't even make me change the channel when the wedding shows come on anymore, some of them he even watches with me.

 

marriage is not a bad thing. to me its not religious, just symbolical. it is a promise of love for one another that will not be affected by any factor, and it is a promise of belonging. I always believed in 'real' love.. although I am already too old for that (heh), I still believe in "monogamy" (nice way to put it). why? well its spiritual. I like to believe that some souls connect in a special way, and our bodies host the soul, therefore I like to find out which soul makes a difference before I look at the body is all.

 

I am with my boyfriend right now. and I love him to death.. I could see us getting married in the future. Well very far in the future not soon.

 

I love the IDEA of getting married, but I have always been scared to death of actually doing it... I wish there could be, like, practice weddings or something (I'm one of those sappy chicks that googles wedding gowns in her free time :& ).
I don't know. My last relationship lasted 4 years and every time my guy talked about marriage or even moving in together somewhere in the near future, I would just about go into cardiac arrest. I eventually broke it off with him because of that (and other reasons... love is blind and I was stupid and turned a blind eye to a lot of things), thinking I would never get married or be with one guy long-term. I went away to college with the idea that I would do myself and all the guys of the world a favor and stay away from them for good. That way, I could concentrate on my studies and I wouldn't hurt anyone else (the last fellow was pretty well shattered and cursing the day he ever laid eyes one me).
Then my current boy came along and within a month, I had a boyriend again. Rebound? I think not. We've been together for over a year and I'm already daydreaming about a wedding and a family. It's something we can talk about without getting all uptight, but at the same time, we have an understanding that it's not going to happen for a very long time...
Wow, this turned into a long-winded post. I guess I needed some therapy...:&

 

marriage is a dying institution.

i could commit long term i think....maybe someday i will marry but i know that marriage hardly works out for most people.

 

have been married for about 9.5yrs now.

marriage is a pretty rotten deal, socially and legally, for a female so we're working on the paperwork for legal separation (officially separating assets, but staying legally wed) to address some of that. for the poor social treatment that comes with marriage, well, we (mainly i) generally avoid referring to each other in a way that indicates we're married to others who don't need or already know... instead i/we use partner, s.o., housemate, etc. so that the basic courtesy and respect that was received pre-wedding continues when possible with new friends and acquaintances.

 

im never with someone who makes me unhappy. i dont stay in a shitty relationship! so the prospect of marrying the guy im with (who's no doubt making me happy), never seems to bother me. infact i know i could easily marry my current partner now and im sure we'd be happy for a long amount of time. i never say anything will last forever but i wouldnt regret marrying him as i know we'd both put in a lot to the marriage and we'd make a great family together.

ive never been one to fantasize about my wedding or anything like that at all! but recently i have been thinking about it not so much the dress and venue and all that crap.. just the love part

 

I've been dating my fiancé (Bear) for 4.5 years in December, and my boyfriend (Phoenix) for 3 months. I'm not at all fond of paperwork, but if I decide to have children with Bear, we will likely wed for the legal end of things, with the understanding that it will remain a polyamorous relationship.

 

This is funny to me, mainly because I've been doing the exact opposite. I wonder if you're much oler than me? - Maybe the people we encounter just value different things. My fella and I have been together 5 years, and though we're not married our relationship is serious enough that we may as well be. I generally avoid referring to him (especially IRL) as my "boyfriend", and usually call him my "partner" or sometimes even "husband" because boyfriend just sounds so juvenile to me. Even not considering anything else I think it belittles him to refer to him as a boy. He's 33, he's a man.

We're still both perfectly happy with the arrangment we have. Marriage is mostly a social institution, and the way I see it our relationship is really about the two of us, not the rest of the world. If his job starts providing him with medical benefits, there is some chance we'll do the paperwork just so I'll be eligible as well. I can't see either of us without the other, ever. Just can't see it. When we got together, we didn't plan on falling in love. But there's no denying that we were made for each other... (trails off, sappy violins playing....)

 

Make your move if you want...doesn't mean I will or won't. I wanted to get married really bad several years ago and now that I look back I think a big reason was for financial reasons and so my family wouldn't worry about me. I am soooooo glad I did not marry him or anyone else. I love being accountable to no one else but myself. I love that I can date whoever I want to when I want to, that I can leave town when I want to, spend money how I want to, not have to live under a guys roof and fume over the trash sitting there for days or having to share a bathroom.
Unless I meet somone who I get along with really well, love a lot, passes the ring test AND can provide me with the lifestyle i have now I am going to have to say I am not going to get married. Who knows maybe I just haven't met 'the one' yet because my attitude has always been 'What have you done for me latley?' and I know most women are not like that.

 

My college actually had a seminar/speech/debate thing last month called "Is Marriage Necessary?" A couple people I know spoke and argued for gay marriage, but I can't remember the details. But it was just appropriate I guess, because I wonder if it's necessary.

I don't believe that it's necessary for two people to get married to show how much they love each other. It enough if the two of them know that they're in love and totally committed to one another.