Lying about past experiences?

Does it really matter? Is his sexual past really that important to you? It shouldn't be. If he refuses to open up to you on numerous topics then that's one thing, but unless there's something there can can cause you harm, he has every right to keep his sexual past to himself if he chooses. I would never request a sexual breakdown of my partner's past (regardless of the relationship status), and I would expect my partner to show me the same respect by not requesting such a breakdown either.

I completely disagree. A person’s sexual past doesn’t prove anything about their “current” character, and it holds very little weight/importance on the relationship as a whole... UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT TO.

I agree that trust and transparency are important. However, there’s reasonable transparency and then there’s the unnecessary, such as giving a blow-by-blow account of one’s sexual past. If one wants to do that then fine, but to say that one’s refusal to be “ultra” transparent on their sexual history constitutes a lack of transparency on their part in the relationship is just wrong IMO.

^^^ I agree with this. If this is what you were getting at Shale then we also agree. It's not about one's sexual history and should never be. Trust and openness are real issues. I'm saying let's not wrongly associate sexual history with something it is not.

 

Sure, that's all true.

For you.

But obviously not for her. You can't say "You shouldn't care about that" and magically have her not care. And the problem isn't the past, it's the nature of the conversation about it. It would be better (from my point of view) if he had explained that he didn't want to say ANYTHING about his sexual past, and left it at that, than if he lied (as it appears that he did).

It sounds to me like this is a really big red flag about getting married in the near future, not because of sex but because of the general lack of openness, trust, communication, and connection, on both sides. As OP says, he lies by omission (which, especially if habitual, still usually boils down to lying), and she obviously doesn't trust his story, and he doesn't trust her enough that he doesn't feel the need to be guarded and tell that type of story. And neither of them feel open enough to bring it into the open.

So.... picture THAT marriage in 20 years. it won't be a lumpy rug, it will be a rug on top of a pile of crap, swept technically "under" it... I mean, the crap's already showing:sunny:

OP, I don't mean any of this in an offensive way (I'm only trying to help, and wouldn't bother otherwise). I don't think I'd be ready to get married right now, even if I was with someone who I planned on eventually marrying. But I don't think that you should be rushing things, I think you should put the brakes on.

Our society tells the implicit lie that marriage fixes things and lets you manage problems and all that. Get married, and all your problems are solved. But I'm pretty sure that this is the opposite of the truth, and you need to have things REALLY fucking smooth before you even think about marriage.

And don't let how far you are into a bad (or non-ideal) situation make you forge ahead. It won't get better, deeper in.

 

I understand and appreciate the input. Don't worry though, I'm not in a hurry to get married. I've let him know that his omission of information is hurtful, not okay, and that it's a lie in my book. And my opinion on the definition of lying should matter to him. If it keeps happening I'm obviously not going to go through with it. He's open about almost everything else which is why this irks me so much.

 

Oh Dear God, seriously woman, you'll just drive them away with that kind of stuff

 

Shhh! Don't let that get out.

Where do you think we get all those cute boys who are disaffected with women and are seeking solace from some caring friendly buddy? :2thumbsup:

 

Why is his past sexual history so important to you? What would you feel you gain from knowing the gory details?

Everyone normally has a past sexual history by the time they find someone they want to commit to - including yourself. It should remain in the past - otherwise it may affect your future with him. (Oh wait..............)

 

I agree with all that. But she keeps going back and forth about what the issue really is here. It seems like she's literally making it about his sexual past because she feels she just "has to know." If you see below, she states that he's been open about most everything except the sexual past.

So which is it? Is he dishonest and deliberately evasive to the point that it's becoming an issue in their relationship, or is she just throwing a fit because he won't give her the blow-by-blow of his sexual past like she wants (and believes that she's entitled to)?

Again, you can't have it both ways. If this is the only thing you feel he hasn't been open with you about, then you need to get over yourself. Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable talking about the explicit details of his past sexual exploits? If this is a real reoccurring issue in your relationship, that plays out in this matter and others as well, then you need to address the issue at hand. And the issue at hand is not his sexual past, it's the dishonesty and lack of openness in the relationship overall.

But again, just because he may not have had the balls to stand up and say "I don't want to talk about the intricate details of my sexual past" on this ONE matter, does not mean you have a serious issue of dishonesty in your relationship.

 

I would be more worried about planning a future with someone who lies to me then what their sexual past is! Everyone has a past and what happens in the past is part of what makes them the people they become in the future. Can't stand being with someone who lies to me though. It is not a trait I find appealing at all.

 

Depends on the context of the lie - from the snippet of info we have here it seems this guy may feel awkward/embarrassed about his inexperience and therefore states "he can't remember" ....

I mean seriously, does it matter who he had his first kiss with, or his "only" sexual experience with? It should not matter at all. Also, he may have gone through something sexually that upsets him and so finds it difficult to talk. There are plenty of men and women out there who have sexual experiences earlier than they should by being taken advantage of. You just don't know.

I don't see his reaction of "I can't remember" an issue really, given that he OP states his sexual experience is practically zero - and he obviously doesn't want to remember it.


The bigger issue here is that the OP stated "He fibs about things a lot. Not so much fibs as just omitting information he doesn't want to tell me. And he thinks it's not lying but it really bothers me."

This is what should be being discussed with her partner, as it is a bigger issue. However later on she states "He's open about almost everything else which is why this irks me so much."

Which is a direct contradiction to what was stated originally. It sounds like there is a fixation on his sexual past, so much so that this thread was created because the OP hasn't got the expected answers (which are not needed.)

 

aren't you 21 and already on your second engagement?

 

Exactly what I've been saying all along!