living with/marrying a stoner? -- advice needed

because if you think someone needs to change, it's obviously for the better. and in this case if this person chooses to work things out
and maybe help this person stop a bad habit, won't that show the abuser that their other half is willing to work? again, there's no way to hide it,
you are very short-term in your thinking.

 

LOL, if I think someone needs to change? No it isn't obviously for the better. What if he wanted her to change and start smoking up more with him. Is that for the better? That is silly in my opinion. Just the way I think. I don't feel I have any right to tell someone that they need to change. If someone is who they want to be then why on earth do they have to change to suit me. It has nothing to do with short term or long term. It has to do with you don't have the right to run around telling people how they should and should not act according to your standards of what is right and what is wrong.

I'm not saying not to work with someone on a drug problem. This isn't a drug problem. This gal didn't come in here and say I'm worried for my boyfriend because he has a really bad drug problem and I want him to get well. NO, she came in here and said I'm not happy in my relationship because my boyfriend finds pot more interesting than me. I didn't tell her not to love him and try to work on things and talk to him and ask him if he sees a problem or is willing to change. But if he isn't then she either has to accept it and choose to be either miserable or happy with who he is. Or she can find someone else who doesn't smoke pot. It really doesn't seem to be that difficult of a situation to get a handle on to me.

Maybe I'm not being very clear in what I mean. I think you are misunderstanding my point.

 

the fact that the dude finds smoking pot more interesting is the problem she has thrown out there. The reason that he finds pot more interesting is that he has a addiction problem. I dont care if your addicted to crack or addicted to food, its all the same. Im sik of being modist about this. i can say for a fact that he has an addiction problem. and i feel for him. i also see the other side and what needs to be done is some open comunication about the problem.
Smokeing pot is not who you are. that is a material thing. personality is what makes us who we are and when you stop using your personality is uncovered.
Thank you sorry if i sounded blunt about this but its just that i can see the mans poing of view because i was there, i just hope they can work things out
peace and love to evey one~

 

No, you didn't sound too blunt. but none of you get it still. It is part of who he is because he chooses to do it. Whether you believe or it is an addiction or not, he still chooses to do it. And until he chooses to change or not do it, there is little that she can do aside from what I already stated which was to encourage(not enable) him to seek help himself. And you can't say for a fact that he has an addiction problem, dude listen to yourself, you aren't there. We are only hearing her side of the story here.

I'm not saying that smoking pot makes him who he is, he does have a personality, and that personality enjoys getting high. I have a personality, and like I've stated a billion times over I still get high every now and again. My sister (best friend) hates pot, I have about 4 other very close friends who are against pot. They don't try to change me or what I want to do, they either aren't around when I'm doing it or they just accept it. Just like my boyfriend doesn't like to play volleyball and I do, he doesn't try to change me and make me not want to play it anymore. I don't like his computer games, but I don't try to change him and make him not play them.

I don't know how much simpler I can make this. She is trying to change him. Not all change is for the better(maybe this is but maybe it isn't who are we/she to judge that?). She should accept him for who he is and love him, or she should find someone else to love. Either that or she can not accept him try to love him and get her heart broken and feel like crap like she does and come here and tell us about it and then we can go over and over it like we are.

honestly, i'm sick of wasting my typing on the topic.

 

I think this is bout the last time im going to post (probley not heh) but i just feel very strongly on this situation because i was THERE! Maby not the same exact thing but from what i hear its pritty darn close.
Smoking pot once in a while and smoking every day are two very difernt things. You can not posibly relate to this if you just smoke once in a while.
All i have to realy say is that the man is not him self. If he has the level of THC of someone who smokes eveyday then its imposible to be your natral self.
I just know from exsperience that pot will do that. Of coarse diferent people have diferent levels of this but it still is valid throught man.
Im not saing to change who he is. you know i went to rehab for drugs when i was younger and this was the staffs biggest problem was tring to show us that they didnt want to change who we are they just wanted to help get us clean.
certainly your actions are a reflection of who you are but they are defenetly not the basis.
All i ask is that some open comunication about how you feel is brought out. thats it. im not saing to the least somthing radical like " im going to brake up with you if you dont change" no im just saing to talk to him and give him a chance.
love to you all~

 

well thank you for your guys' input. i think everybody's stated their opinions, but i just gotta vent a little...

i tried talking to him a little tonight about it, asked him if he plans on smoking for the rest of his life and he said yes. he equates it to alcohol use in that when he's 40 he wont be getting blazed every night before bed, but will be having a "nightcap" of sorts.... so he plans on keeping this part of his life forever, and he's adamant about it apparently. he says pot doesn't make him any different and he doesn't smoke around me except when we're together 24 hrs... which made me bring up living together and marriage and he says that if he didn't tell me he was stoned, then i would never know or suspect anything. he says he's been smoking for years and that i wouldnt' like him if he never smoked. i agree that his past has made him who he is, and what he does too... he gets defensive. he totally denies being addicted and him smoking every night before bed is because he enjoys the act of smoking and marijuana is healthier than other things he can be smoking... but he's not addicted he just likes it. imo that's bs... *sigh* i've invested a lot into this relationship and i don't want to see it go down the drain. i've changed little parts of myself for him but i don't think he's willing to change for me. maybe if things weren't long distance we could spend more time together while he is stoned and i could get a better idea, but it's difficult as it is. blah.. i'm incredibly sad.

 

sister, it seems like he is realy lost in this hole denial thing which is the hardest part of becoming clean.
I was tring to avoid this but it sounds like he dosnt care about your conserns. maby im wrong, maby you havent taked to him in a clear way. Which it did seem so from what youve just said. You must sit down with him when hes not high and realy spill your feelings. You need to put it all out there you know. If this is a hard thing to do then thats a very clear indication that he is not the kinda man that you can work with in a relation ship.
If you truely let him know how you feel about it all then you will know what to do from his actions. If he is willing to work with you then hold on to him. If hes not then Do what should be done and move on.
You Do Not desirve to be unhappy! Take the initiative path to become a strong and happy women! You can do it~

 

He doesn't care about her feelings and he isn't going to change. That is the point. Regardless of whether or not he is in denial about his so called drug problem. He simply does not want to change. You can't force him to. What are you gonna do, hold a gun to his head and drag him to rehab and force him to agree with it. No. That would be ridiculous.

Is it at all possible that he is telling the truth that you might not know he is high, if you weren't there when he did it? Is it just the fact that he is getting high that is bothering you by chance? I'm just curious. Sometimes I get upset when my boyfriend does fun things without me and I feel left out. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, but you need to admit that if it is the case, because if no one knows the true problem then no one can discuss it and work on a solution.

And yeah, long distance does make it hard. It might be best even though you have invested a lot into the relationship to let go, even if just for a little while so he might see how much he really does care.

Another illustration from my life. Jer and I had been together for almost a year, and he has always smoked pot and drank some, that school year he started playing with Adderal. So he would take Addys to stay awake and smoke and drink some more. Well, he got kicked out of the University (unrelated incedent, though I'm sure it had an influence) and moved back home with his parents. I was seriously concerned for him. If you know what Adderal does, its speed and it turns you into a dick if you don't have it. He was becoming more and more mean. He wanted to sit around and be stoned all of the time. It was an addiction and it was pretty bad. Of course at the time he and his friends didn't see it that way (his friends still don't and continue their habit). Because I was so worried and he was living over 100 miles away at the time. So I went to his parents and told them and let them handle it (he was staying with them) and we had to break up for a while. Of course once he got sober again (after about 2 months) he realized how much he cared about me and missed me and he came and apologized and we have been together for like 4 years since then and he hasn't had Adderal (he knows how bad it is now) since, and smoking pot is most certainly not his top priority.

So my point is, maybe the fact that you are there isn't allowing him to see what this is doing to his life and that it is taking away people that he really does care about. If it doesn't work out sweetie, it wasn't meant to be. There are so many other wonderful men in this world that wouldn't put you through this. Good Luck.

 

YES!!!!!!!! This is a big reason I gave an engagement ring back. When he wasn't stoned he was this mature, philosophical and just somone who I could anticipate spending the rest of my life with. When he was stoned (ahich was all the freaking time) he was overly goofy in a 5 year old kinda way and breathed with his mouth open (my pet peeve) and would eat like there was no fucking tommorow. It actually disgusted me and he would not cut down the amount he smoked. But it is hard to repect somone who's an adict of any mind-altering drug. I mean I smoke on occasion I used to smoke every evening but when you smoke first thing when you get up show up to your fiance's work events stoned it's just freaking lame.

 

Or just not tell you when im stoned, thanks for the future life advice:X

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't smoke pot, i have never tried it and i never will. My boyfriend does it all the time, he doesn't do it when it's just me though. He does it when his friends are around, he'll do it around me but only if his friends are around. I've told him i don't like it, but he won't stop doing it. I just deal, sometimes it bothers me more than other times, but i really can't do anything. I love my boyfriend, i'm not gonna let it get in the way of our relationship. I don't think he does it every single day, but probably 6 days outta the week. We don't talk about it cause i hate talking about it and he knows it. It's a touchy subject with us.

 

I definately wouldnt get married thinking you can change someone....Also....I dont smoke every night before i go to bed lately because i cant ifnd any but when i can i do....I have very bad sleeping problems. they had me on ambien at 14 and now i have a tolerance to everything..i cant drink and pass out because alcohol riles me up and alcoholism runs in my family... so basically the only way i can sleep every night is if i smoke...and if i dont sleep every night and have to stay awake for a a couple nights just to get one good nights sleep i am a very irritable person and tend to get upset very easily......

 

CORRECT!!!!! Cause you said that you barley ever smoke.....why do you even smoke to begin with if you have such a problem with him doing it!? I smoke more then once a day and it doesn't f- me up enough to make my mind stray like you said his does. Weed isn't like ASID, he's not trippin' every night!
In the end, get over it or get out! You two will never be happy if you are always on his back to quit what he enjoys!

 

oh come on now! you can't be serious!

 

before i started smoking i was with a boyfriend that smoked a lot...... i didn't like it, i thought is was fucking stupid and that he was wasting my life......to make a long story short, i now smoke more than he does

he turned me on to weed and i love it...... anyways i doubt this helps you but i felt the same way as you before i started smoking....

also you can't change anybody, they are the way they are and that's it. Anyways, that's how it is from my experiences, so either roll with the punches or don't put up with that shit anymore

 

I don't smoke or drink . I don't mind when others do....but all the time?! I married a pothead almost 2 years ago. He's a great guy who likes to be high most of the time! He has a full time job and doesn't smoke while he's working. But if he's not working he's smoking! 1st thing in the morning and before bed. On his days off he smokes through out the day trying to stay loaded. Before we married he worked grave yard hour but during our 1st of marriage he switched to day shift so we could be on the same clock. And that's when I started to notice a problem. When I bring up his smoking he gets really angry and gets defensive. He says thing like. "What did I do or say that was weriod." He believes that he can function perfectly normal when he's high. ..... Don't make the mistake I made! It's sucks!

 

Why are you guys getting married and cohabitating in 2014? It's unnatural and an unnecessary challenge. People need sacred space. All of you that are here bitching about your stoner partners would probably be happier if you either puffed with them or just did your partners a favor and hit the road. They probably smoke more when you're around to put up with your clingyness, judgement, and irrationality. Cannabis is the most beneficial plant to humans and a huge percentage of people that use it get nicer, more fun, more loving, and hornier when they smoke/vape/eat/juice it. I have a feeling that a lot of you are suffering from greener grass syndrome, which, very sadly, is an epidemic among lost western women.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've been through this three times. First they smoke with me and everything's great, awesome sex and all. Then, usually after six months to a year or so goes by, they start getting controlling. First, they start "managing the money", which apparently means making all of it disappear into a black hole as soon as I earn it. Then they start rationing/hiding the pot, for no reason other than control. I always found the stash and smoked whenever I wanted, which was never enough for them to notice, but the whole idea irked the hell out of me. I've smoked less than a quarter a week(if available) since I was 14. Then they start smoking less and less often, saying shit like, "I quit. I don't see why you can't." It's usually not long after this discussion that the pussy rationing begins. Then I start detatching because they've turned into way different people than the person I fell in love with. Once I do that, they blame it on the pot and start hassling me about it more. When I don't respond properly to being demeaned and controlled, they cut off the sex altogether. Then I tell them to leave.

So, there's my two cents for whatever its worth.

 

You two should get a vaporizer. You got get stoned in bed and cuddle. It will feel super warm and cozy try out the new ascent from DaVinci

I love to cuddle in bed and smoke this thing. Its just such a pleasant experience. No harsh on the lungs at all and just a really nice light buzz. Perfect thing for sharing time with your SO

http://www.davincivaporizer.com/ascent-vaporizer-by-davinci/

 

marriage counseling might be worth trying.

you may be able to get him to change, you may decide that you want to keep him despite his smoking habits, or maybe you'll decide that it's reason for you to leave him.

 

This is terribly flawed logic. If you love someone, you love them as they are. If you love most of the stuff about someone but can't handle a part of them, the correct desicion is to walk away and let them be free. Trying to change them only breeds resentment.