Let's talk.

I missed 2---#26--27---

 

*student obtained 0% in an exam!*
I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct and funny too. The teacher has no sense of humor.

*q1: In which battle did Napoleon die?*

`his last battle.`

*q2: Where was the declaration of independence signed?*

`at the bottom of the page.`

*q3: River Ravi flows in which state?*

`liquid.`

*q4: What is the main reason for divorce?*

`marriage.`

*q5: What is the main reason for failure?*

`exams.`

*q6: What can you never eat for breakfast?*

`lunch & dinner.`

*q7: What looks like half an apple?*

`the other half.`

*q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?*

`wet.`

*q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?*

`no problem, he sleeps at night.`

*q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?*

`you will never find an elephant that has one hand`

*q11: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?*

`very large hands`

*q12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?*

`no time at all, the wall is already built`

*q13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*

`any way you want, concrete floors are+ very hard to crack.`

 

Nervous robber: " all right mothersticker--this is a fuck up--get your ass up before I shoot your hands off"!

 

I think we need all Irish jokes tomorrow. lol

 

Rock and roll quiz, missed 12 and 17. The rest sprang to memory.

 

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley, proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled.

"I gave you a sham rock."

 

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stopped and asked them, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"

The two lads looked at each other blankly and then stared back at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?'" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off, disappointed. One of the boys turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"

"Why?" says the other youth, "That guy knew four languages, and look what good it did him!"

 

An Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The Irishman, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

 

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers: "We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire."

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

"Well," said he, "you've both got nine out of ten, but I'm giving Mick the job."

"Why's that?" asked Pat.

"Well," said the manager, "you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this,' and you had 'Neither do I!'"

 

Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10-foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.

"Ah sure I'll give it a go," he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea, and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened.

"What do you think you are doing?" asked the policeman in a sharp tone.

"Sure I'm having me tea break," replied Paddy. '

"And what do you work at?" asked the policeman.

"Agh sure I deliver bridges!" smiled Paddy!

 

Jimmy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.

"We have 99," replied the shop owner.

"Give us the lot," said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them, and left. He went to a tailor's shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know sir," he replied, "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

 

Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor.

"What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in.

Paddy replies: "I haven't been feeling meself recently."

"Good!" says Seamus. "That was a nasty little habit you had!"

 

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says:

"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

 

Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated.

The doctor says: "Try these and come back next week."

A week later Paddy returns and the doctor asks: "Did the treatment work?"

"No," Paddy says. "Were they supposed to go up me arse?"

 

Paddy and Seamus went to London to become sperm donors.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Seamus came on the bus!

 

Paddy and Seamus are sitting in a small town bar.

Paddy brags: "You know, I've had every woman in this town.

"Except me mammy, of course!"

"Well then," says Seamus. "Between you and I, we've had 'em all!"

 

FOUR REASONS JESUS MUST'VE BEEN IRISH
1) He lived at home until he was 30

2) Just before he died he went drinking with his mates

3) His mam thought he was God

4) He thought his mam was a virgin

 

Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushed her to hospital.

On arrival the nurse asks: "How dilated is she?"

To which Paddy replies: "Oh Jaysus, we're both over the feckin' moon!"

 

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".