Granda and Grandpa are in their rockin chairs on the porch when suddenly grandma knocks grandpa out of his chair. 'dammit woman! what the hell was that for?' 'that was for being such a lousy lover all these years' So they keep rockin a while and suddenly grandpa stands up and knock grandma out of her rocker and all the way off the porch. 'Dammit Pa! what the hell wad THAT for?' Grandma asked 'Thats for knowing the difference'
A man with a small penis goes to the doctor and asks about getting a penis enlargement. "well'" the doc says " I think we can help you with that. We can give you a 6 incher, 9 incher or 12 incher." "Wow!" His patient exclaimed" My wife would REALLY like the 12 inch one." "Well would you like to see it?" The doc asks? "Sure". says his patient The doctor goes to his cabinet and pulls out a case and shows the man the prosthesis. "Wow doc that sure is impressive." The man said, "But do you have it in white?"
Father Michael is taking over the local parish from Father Brian. 'Is there anything I can help you with before you take over the church' father Brian asks. 'well there is one thing' father Michael says. ' I am still not sure what punishments are appropriate for sins during confession.' 'No problem!' Father brian says. ' I will make you a general list so you can check it during confession.' So father Michael takes over the church and everything goes great. He has no problems in confession thanks to old father Brian's list. Then one day a woman comes in confessing that she gave her husband's best friend a blow job. Father Michael checked father Brian's list but couldnt find anything for blow jobs. He stuck his head out of the confession booth door and saw an Alter boy walking past. "Psst!" Father Michael whispers. 'What did Father Brian usually give for a blow job?' The Alter boy thought for a moment and said.."Kit Kat or Snickers"
There was this really drunk guy in a bar. Another guy went up to him and said, "I'll give you $20 if you go outside and pull the teeth out of this really mean dog and then go upstairs and bang some fat lady." The drunk guy thinks about it and decides to take the dare. So he stummbles outside, and you can hear the dog whinning and barking. Then he comes back in and says, "OK, where's the fat ladys teeth that need to be pulled?" That was the best one I could think of right now.
You know why they put a cock on the weathervane? Because if they used a **** the wind would blow right through it! ...George Carlin
Whats the difference between Jesus and a piture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture.
An American, a Mexican, a Jamaican and a Russian are whitewater rafting down the Colorado River. When they finish the first set of rapids the Russian pulls out a large bottle of Vodka, takes a few sips and trhows it overboard. "Hey what are you doin' mon?" The Jamaican says. "No big deal. In Russia we have so much Vodka we casn afford to waste it." The Russian replies. SO they go over the second set of rapids and the Jamaican pulls out a huge bag of Marijuana, rolls the fattest joint youve ever seen, takes a couple hits and throws it overboard. "Holy Shit!" Says the American. "What are you doing man thats expensive shit!" "No problem mon!" The Jamaican says. "In Jamaica there is so much Ganja we can afford to waste it. So they go over the third set of rapids and the American tries to think of some way to top his friends. So he picks up the Mexican and throws him overboard. Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry. I Love Mexicans really I do. Just to prove I will make fun of anything heres one more and Im going to bed... How is a man like a beer bottle? Theyre both empty from the neck up. How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? We dont know it never happens. How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink till the room starts spinning. Why do they put a red 'X' on a sheep's ass in Scotland? To mark the ones that kick. Thats it. Im done. Goodnight all.
