Im honestly.

I'm glad it is passing the time...but, I am glad a few have gone.

 

HHB aint so bad. I understand that responsibility has a lot to do with his view on life, and thats not a bad thing. But he is far too defensive and judgemental in my opinion.

 

You have been given advice on how to not be fucked up inside. But its hard to see, esp when you are in that dark abyss of depression. When I get to those points and someone tells me the answers lie within, or that forgiveness is the answer, or that I need to get over myself, I want to fucking punch them in their face.

Mostly because they are right.

I'm 34 years old still dealing with my demons. It takes a LOT of work and choice. You can choose to sit in it and let it consume you or you can choose to work your way out of it. Forgiveness is the number one answer.

I've dealt with alot of shit in my days too. I don't know my natural father. My mother was in an accident when I was 13 and we took care of her at home for years, changing diapers, feeding her, helping her walk, not having any communication because she can't. All the while, my stepfather was losing his mind. Put a gun to my head, took me to go buy drugs with him and a gun was pulled out on us then, pushed me down the stairs, tried to choke me to death. My mother had been young when she had me so I got on her nerves. She spoke to me like she was always angry and frustrated.

The list could go on and on. I say this not because I am having a pity party but to say, yeah, I understand. Ok, I wasn't raped, that I can remember. I have years of my life I cannot recall and many problems with intimacy. So perhaps I was.

But truth be told. that is all in the past. They only linger when I allow myself to let them. They are devils, demons, ghosts of the past. I have had to look each one in the eye and deal with them. I've had to forgive people who have wronged me.

It is alot of work and I still cycle through it, esp since I suffer from depression as well.

And believe me, I have felt that people didn't understand my suffering and sadnesses.....but suffering is suffering is suffering. To the sufferer it is painful and gripping.

 

Well then I must never be on his right side...he can't help but end up being a jackass with me on any given occasion...ofcourse for his own entertainment...

Please help me understand.

You can say that again.

 

It doesnt seem accurate to me... if some one could tell me (truthfully) one thing i could do to not be so "fucked up inside" i would do it, i cant think of one thing that would achieve that including ideas mentioned.

I didnt qoute the rest of your post because there is nothing there that i disagree with, thank you for sharing.

 

Have you ever confronted the person since?

 

Nope, i've thought about it but I'd probably end up going to jail myself and i have a clean police record.

 

I think it might help...even if you ended up in jail...at that point then police records become secondary concerns I would imagine...

 

the main things you have been given advise on is to face the demons in the eyes and also to forgive. They aren't easy things to do and it seems to me that you need to come to some balance first.

Being so depressed is not a place where you are able to see much at all. For me, it took going to the doctor and getting medication. I seriously dislike medication. However, for me, it is just necessary. i really wish it were not....but mentally I just do not supply enough serotonin. I have tried to be off of it....but my anger and irritation doesn't make it very easy for anyone.

However, medication is not the only things i have used. I have sat with myself for hours in nature to truly hear what my problems are. I have written in my journal. This is my biggest help.

When I get as bad as you sound now though, i have to take a break from the computer.

I'm not sure what your solution is. I know people have told you that you are being whiny. Well that is because they have also been in your position and have had to combat that which ailed them.

You aren't going to feel better by doing nothing. And institutionalizing yourself is probably a really bad thing to do. You will likely feel worse, not better. You need to take whatever you deem to be the first step.

What would that be for you?

 

Ahh i wish i could spell it out word for word but im not going to on a public internet forum. Beating him up, killing him, wont change the affect my experiances have had on me.

I'm done. I dont feel bad for being fucked up, i don't expect solutions, im not sure they exist. Im just floating around in my misery not hurting anyone and thats the way it is, wether i do that here or in an institution i dont care.

None of you can save me, stop trying, i dont expect it, thank you for trying.

 

Fair enough, I shall leave you alone.

 

Well i am thinking of confronting my mother about why she made my Dad sign a contract saying basically he wasnt aloud to see me but didnt have to sign child support, im pretty fucked off about that.

But really medication sux, it does no good. I wasted much of the last four years i go on about because of medication, it didnt solve anything, actually it was another problem. It was Xanax by the way.

PS
Christian television is on, it isnt helping.

 

You don't have to spell it out here there is a wonderful thing called the PM system...

Yes, I appreciate Beating him up, killing him, probably won't help, but, neither did I say do that.
I just thought if anything criminal did occur it would really not concern you at that time, perhaps it would.

I think doing it here is better than in a institution.
Atleast you can log off...and people are not throwing pills down your neck.

 

Bah, ME, that doesnt apply to you, you're the only one making any sense to me right now.

 

It's nice you keep your sense of humour...

 

Oh, i know the institution wouldnt save me. Its just that i am just admitting i have lost my control over my depression.

 

My humour and honesty can be surprisingly similar...

 

I work in a mental health institution (honestly I do)...you do not have to institutionalise yourself...I'd hope there are centres where you can workshop your feelings and be around others in the same boat.
I know something about the system here (UK) but in Oz...not so sure.

 

well then....I'm glad I am making sense.

I don't know that Xanax would help.

Do you normally feel pretty low? If so, you might need something that helps the chemicals to balance inyour brain. I have to take Celexa. 20 mg a day....pretty much possibly for the rest of my life. I get feeling better and think I have a hold on myself and then BAM, irritation comes out again. Weird thing though is that I have faced nearly all my shit. But chemically the brain forms until about 25 years old. What I had to face in that time period of my life just did not allow me to begin producing enough serotonin for myself.

I used to feel weak. I still do at times. I feel like I am a failure for being so fucked up by it all. But it is what it is.

I, personally, live a very spiritual life. Or rather I should say i have very strong spiritual beliefs and for me I have had to go through all I did to grow. Why are you listening to Christian TV if it isn't working?

sorry I am rambling. My kids are pulling my attention. I am getting ready to drop one off at the grandmothers and the other at a birthday party.

 

I like both.