I'm courting someone younger, sixteen, and am at a small fork

Chasing does not mean persuing without consent, thats called stalking, which shouldn't even have to be mentioned in this discussion, as I would hope everyone already realizes that stalking someone isn't good.

Chasing means trying to find ways to get her interested in him. For a 20 year old to do such a thing with regards to a 16 year old shows not only a lack of respect for the girl, but also for himself. If he was under 18, I wouldn't care in terms of him trying, that is what being a teenager is about, and when she hits 18, I wouldn't care, as she would be an adult and unless she asks me to get involved at that point I wouldn't.

But as long as she is not yet 18, nobody who is 18 or older is going to find me in any way accommodating to them trying to get her interested in them, and in fact will find me reacting extremely badly to it.

 

Hate to break it to you, but some parents actually have open and honest communication with their kids.

 

Ok, do you think he has any intentions on doing something that you deem innapropriate?
Did you not first say it really doesn't matter what the circumstances are if the person is 20 and your daughter is 16. , he would not be dead?
I get your reasonable response.
I get your, frankly, unreasonable response.
It just felt like you were giving off two very different responses.
If you were not, fair enough.
Perhaps it is upto others to decide if you were giving off two different messages.

 

I said;

I'm not sure if you misread it, mis-typed what you thought I said or what. But I don't see how you could mistake what I said...

20 year olds chasing my 16 year old daughter would not be acceptable, no matter the circumstances...

 

I do not disagree with your point here.
I do disagree with what I thought you first said.
Any 20 year old having any contact with your 16 year old daughter would not be acceptable.
That is what I thought you were saying.

 

No, at no point in time did I mean to suggest such a thing.

In fact, I will go one further on that and say all kids should actually grow up around a cross section of society.

But adults (over 18) should not be chasing (in any way, shape or form) non-adults (under 18) with the intention of being more then friends.

 

Fair enough.

 

You have reasonable views on the REST of this issue, but....

Hate to break it to you, but people of all ages can keep secrets, and WILL if they have a personal motivation to do so, such as returning the interest of the individual who you would, in your own (paraphrased) words, kill.

 

Why do you insist on mis-reading what I say?

At no point in time, have I ever said that I had issues with my daughter having interest in someone else.

The girl in question (in the OP) has NOT expressed interest in the 20 year old according to him. He thinks she may have interest in him, but that could all be in his mind.

There is a huge difference in the two situations. My daughter knows that she can share anything with me and I don't see this changing, as when she does, I offer her my viewpoints but encourage her to make her own decisions. This applies to absolutely anything about her life.

It isn't a parents place to control their child's lives, it is however a parents place to protect their child from others who hope to influence them into situations they do not choose for themselves.

 

Why do you insist on misreading what I say? At no point have I ever said you had issues with your daughter having interest in someone else. I was tackling the honesty thing, if you read my post. If something did happen with someone above legal age, because she knows your stance because of your honesty, there is no way in hell she would ever tell you, assuming she consented, which is something that she would be likely to do, if she had those interests that you admit she may have.

 

I don't, you keep saying that I would have issues with my 16 yo daughter being involved with someone who is 20, and I have multiple times quite clearly said I do not have a problem with it.

I have a problem with 20 year olds chasing 16 year olds that are showing no interest in them.

To be as clear as possible for you... If my daughter at 16 shows interest in a 20 year old, that is her choice, I have no issues with it, other then to make sure she wasn't being manipulated...

My issue would be with guys who she has not given any indication of anything beyond friendship, trying to take it beyond friendship.

If you still don't understand the distinction, I can't help you.

 

lol

 

Which slightly MORE than heavily implies that your daughter can not be INVOLVED in any reciprocal relationship beyond normal friends with a 20 year old while at the age of 16.

So if no one chased down your daughter, but they mutually chose to have that sort of a relationship, you would not only have no problems with her choice, and hold no hostility or mistrust of the 20 year old?

 

just wait till she hits 18...... it is going to suck but it might be worth it in the long run.

 

I wonder how this would develop had no ages been revealed? Anyway, I am not into dating parents.

 

By the time this thread finishes, I am sure the girl will be at least 25

So I will preempt, let her make her own decisions.

 

Well on my part it is already done... it's like talking to a wall....

 

I hate to butt into your conversation but if you're daughter liked a guy who was chasing her and she was sixteen and the man was twenty; she knows that you are hostile towards older men chasing your daughter then she would have a motive for not telling you about the older guy pursing her because she likes him enough to not want him rubbed out by poppa. But she might still tell you that she likes him because you're fine with that it's just the older man pursuing your daughter that's not cool so she might leave that out. ( the only slight contradiction is you're very reasonable with your daughter and have expressed a slightly over the top response towards the older gent, which honestly I don't see as much of a contradiction.)

Exactly why if anythings ever happens I'd like to avoid her parents as much as is reasonable.

I think she might like me but I still think she's a sixteen year old girl and I believe, if I remember correctly youth makes us fickle so I'm not taking a stance either here or there on that issue. Since no one has commented on my question I'll play the situation by ear, which honestly unless one of you'all enlightened me I would have probable done anyways. Things are better done spur of the moment and dependent to the environment.

 

IF you want to date her then date her, but don't have sex with her till she is legal. Seems easy enough, its not illegal to date someone younger as long as you aren't having sex with them.

 

You can never be objective when it comes to your daughter, you are too used to looking at her, you have spent too long being trained to think of her differently in the ways other guys do. You cant "see" her ranking. And she, like you wants to keep that sweet innocent daddys little princess routine, as you may be the only guy that puts her on a pedestal

I didnt check how old your daughter is, but at 16 if your advice is for her to date a guy her age, well you know what 16 year old guys are like. So your advice really is for her to date a guy thats more sex obsessed, that is more likely to treat her as a sex object, and on the flip side you'd admonish her for showing interest in an older guy.

Think about it from her perspective, what does that sound like.

Yes, you are the parent, yes you might be close, but you are also male, she is going to naturally assume you have no idea what it is to be a teenage girl, and she started assuming such things long before 16, so when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex for her its like she is the parent, you are the child.

Which is why they keep a lot of stuff hidden, and they all do.

Open and honest communication? Not if she knows you are never going to be able to understand