I'm A Drug Addict. What's Your Drug Of Choice?

I would describe myself as a "soft" low-key alcoholic.I don't get drunk as such,because I have a strong constitution,but it's rare that I can go more than three days without a drink.I also smoke crack and heroin on a recreational basis when I can afford it.Money is a constant worry for me,and my addictions don't sit easily with my avowed interest in Buddhism.I'm seeing a dual-diagnosis worker every two weeks to discuss my addictions,but the conversation there is relatively superficial.I don't really know where I'm going from here anyway,I don't want to live forever,and life is certainly a bore.I don't really believe in a an "active" God or a heaven,yet in a strange quiet way try to find ways to enjoy my predicament.If I choose to abuse my own body,that's my own business,as long as I'm not hurting anyone else,don't judge.

 

My youngest daughter's father is a crack addict. His story fascinated me. 9 months clean when I met him. He had been in a terrible accident years before I met him in which he had to re-learn how to walk and talk. Didn't recognize the people he knew. But he said, the one thing he remembered with no problem at all, was crack. His family thought I was lying that he was my daughter's father .. until they met her and saw that she's certainly his. He had been sterile from using. I gave birth to his first child and a year later, his second daughter (from another woman) was born. He's one of my soul mates and somebody I love a whole lot.

I abused alcohol and developed a dependency, not an addiction. Until my early 20's, I HATED alcohol. But once I was an adult, something changed. I gave up and resigned myself to what seemed to be a simple fact of life: everybody drinks. I started drinking. Now I'm back to my personal truth: I HATE alcohol and so I don't drink it. But I do drink my coffee as if it was alcohol. And yes, I can get intoxicated by it, when I pass 5 cups in a day. And by intoxicated, I mean TOXIC. I feel ill, not pleasure. I try to drink water before a cup of Joe, and drink water between cups.

Money is a huge aspect of the whole ordeal. And it can be wicked. I'm a snob when it comes to my substances. I won't go for the "economy" stuff or cheap brands. Sometimes I'm forced to but most of the time, everything revolves around a near ten dollar pack of cigarettes and a near ten dollar pound of coffee. I can get three pouches of roll-your-own tobacco for what I'm spending on a pack of Reds. I can get twice as much coffee for what I'm spending on the good stuff. I want quality AND quantity but it's usually quality first.

Superficiality. I don't know how you have the patience for it. They call me double trouble, because when I'm in that sort of clinical environment, I take it to a place they aren't "trained" for. So they can't deal with me. Superficial and me don't go together. I don't know, Faerylights. Do you know what you want, like I do? It seems to me that once a decision is made, things can get easier from there. But indecision, ambivalence, torn between two desires .. that's the torturous part.

 

Of course you can't reach that state with sleep deprivation. Acid not feeling like it's the thing for you is precisely how it should feel - somewhat uncomfortable. You need a seriously bad trip - those are when you confront the parts of you that need changing.

Caffeine's physical withdrawals are easily relieved with about a tenth of your normal dosage - but to feel reasonably normal, try a quarter, that's satisfying. You can entirely taper off in a few days. But it's not so very bad to use a reasonable amount of it either way - anything can be highly damaging, as it sounds like caffeine is to you, if you approach it incorrectly.

And yes, everybody smoked - I've smoked, pack a day. But now we don't, and we're just fine. The nicotine is not the crutch for cigarette addicts, the addiction is the crutch.

 

roor, what is your diagnosis for someone who takes LSD and feels like this is precisely what things SHOULD feel like?

 

how do you smoke with bronchial asthma? I developed the same thing from smoking a few years ago and gave cigarettes up. I occasionally relapse, especially when drinking, but the next day I have to use my inhaler. I dont ever have to use it when I'm not smoking. I think it would be impossible for me to ever become an every day smoker again. My lungs would shut down.

you know, my mom quit smoking about a year ago. She switched to the vaporizer but still, its a million times better than cigarettes. I say this because I feel like if she can quit, anyone can. She really loved her cigarettes but one day she reached a point where she was sick of coughing and not being able to breathe and she never smoked another cigarette. Perhaps you will reach this point one day too.

 

Love me some jenkem

 

Yep, I did that when I was all gung-ho and Health centered and focused. Use caffeine tablets to replace the caffeine in coffee. Got a bunch of tea (herbal stuff, lemon and peppermint) but ... it wasn't working for me. It wasn't working for me because I want my coffee. I want my coffee because it's delicious and I love it. So, thanks caffeine pills .. maybe in the next lifetime. For now, Peet's Major Dickason sure is hittin' the spot.

Well, change. For who's pleasure? And for what reason? To have a greater quality of life? To suffer less? To be accepted by more people, to be better liked? Eh, I'm condemned and I know it. Blaspheme.

For the smokes .. I'm convinced that they put an extra something in these 72's. Just convinced of it. They're definitely a different blend from my regular 100's. Conspicuous, Marlboro. Conspicuous!

 

You're African? i never knew...

From the Urban Dictionary: Jenkem: Fermented mixture of ripened sewage used primarily in Africa and third-world Near Asian countries as a glue-high substitute.
Many orphaned and deprived children in civil-war torn Sub-Saharan Tanzania are dependent on jenkem.

 

DEEP inhales. I don't have a smoker's cough, interestingly enough. And my bronchial asthma mysteriously disappeared, after almost 30 years of having it. I'm not sure if it went away because I moved out of Massachusetts, or if it's a benefit from drinking coffee (coffee does have certain health benefits, but that isn't the reason I started drinking it). Inhalers never worked well for me.

Vaping is good and I like it, but it doesn't satisfy like a smoke does. I'd say I'm currently at about 50/50 .. cigs & vaping. I prefer the smokes, but I'm glad to have the vaping, too.

 

because your body isnt only addicted to the nicotine. its the 1000 other chemicals in tobacco the body gets its kicks.
cannabis possibly the same..

 

Yes, there's that. I've tried American Spirit, didn't like them too much. I think Marlboro makes the best cigarette but these 72's admittedly have me thinking. Thinking that there's something else in them that makes them more addictive. Additives and addictions!

 

ive been off brand names for over a year now.. I still once and while need to get a pack of brands. i can tell within a few smokes the nasty additives, headaches body pains.. so now i just dont smoke or wait til i have my RYO brand. sometimes I get a dud but they are way better. its why the gobberment is trying to stop RYO places. tried quiting many times., but it aint happening totally.

 

Either they are healthy and all there and have little in the way of cognitive dissonance, or they have succeeded in breaking themselves, as happens when people run from bad trips, instead of facing them.

If you know what I mean. When people learn to feel good without reducing cognitive dissonance (which should be achieved by committing to a solution to their problems), it's bad - but on psychedelics, it can be the end of their sanity - or their time as a respectable or worthwhile person. If you learn to lie to yourself on psychedelics, you've gone and ruined it all.

You've probably seen me write about my theories on this, I know I've done it plenty.

But most people, even if they briefly try, cannot do that to themselves, or will not. What seems to be dangerous is people with very serious issues that need larger doses to work on, who learn to take smaller doses, and effectively reverse-engineer the effects, such that instead of psychedelics causing the clear manifestation of their personality, they create a fiction of themselves that does not require them to deal with their problems - but when the experience is done, it all gets mashed back into their psyche. I've known someone who I am quite sure developed, or greatly exacerbated, multiple personalities this way. I don't know that there would be no coming back from it, I think I've seen people recover to some degree, but I think it would be different if you went into it understanding what I'm talking about. There are some people who are fundamentally at risk for this, because of the way they think.

I'm not saying that museum or mirco doses are bad in healthy people - but they can be devastating in some individuals with some approaches to life. His name slips my mind, but we had a user here like that.... he didn't like the effects of a proper trip, but would constantly take fractions of hits, and on a normal dose, developed some type of schizo-affective thing, with delusions of grandeur and such. That worked itself out, but he got in more trouble, because his personality was still the same... you probably remember.

Speaking of mircodoses, I'm on 30 morning glory seeds at the moment, testing the potency of wild ones - it would be bad to end up taking several hundred of the zapotec ones measured by the beer cap. This seems to be about a threshold dose, assuming it's not just placebo from the morning glory stomach. I think I'll at least double it, next week. Maybe a round hundred.

 

Have you tried the vaping? Some of the flavors are delicious.

Do you notice the class of RYO you buy? Top is Class A, I think. There's this Class J stuff I'll get when I'm super desperate (Gambler Tube Cut). Cheap, tastes and burns cheap too. but I like it better than Top.

 

Top is more or less shredded horse shit.

Except that top bothers me, horse shit doesn't.

What's wrong with american spirits? I'd think you'd like them, being a marlboro person. I love short reds myself, absolutely delicious, but buying them from those fucks is absolutely immoral, and they're about as unhealthy as it gets. American spirit makes various stronger ones, all of which are allegedly totally additive free, which should appeal to your "full flavor" palete.

If you're going to do it, might as well do it right. Doesn't it incise you that they dick people around like that, and sneak shit into your smokes? I like honest business, marlboro is one of the world's sleeziest companies, but in a much worse way than most sleeze.

 

The world is an Evil Hell nightmare. hahahaha

American Spirit, blech. I tried them by the pack and by the canister of RYO. yuck, blah. NO. Sneaking shit into what I consume does pull a trigger of madness, yes. What makes you say they're sleazy? Besides their chemistry.

 

american spirits have flame retardants on them.. uke:

 

RYO may have less/no chemicals added, but unless you roll in a filter, lots of tar. I think vape or nothing is the way to go in terms of health.

 

They almost all do now. http://dojmt.gov/enforcement/investigations-bureau/directory-of-fire-safe-cigarettes/

 

I'd agree with that. Physical health though. When it's "psychological" and "emotional", people like me find the greater value in the pleasure. Of using.

Ain't no wrong now when you're right .. only pleasure and pain .. only pleasure and pain! ~ Jane's Addiction