I would like some opinions on my situation...

typical crazy girl. you BOTH sound insecure and controlling to me but her insanity is much worse

 

oh god just leave

 

Now then, I read some very callous responses to this problem. Why abandon somebody that needs help facing her issues? Once you get through these things she could be the perfect girlfriend. People can change. It sounds like she needs help and abandoning her will only exacerbate this behaviour for her in the long run. Besides, all she will do is treat another person in the same way. Wouldn't you rather help someone you feel affection for through their personal issues and help make them a better person rather than ditch them? That is no way for a friend or lover to behave.

Beofre you consider "ditching" her, try and work it out with her, if you feel she's worth it. You need to let her know how you feel and how she is being perceived. Also that although you appreciate the fact that she cares enough to be possessive, you would rather she showed it in different ways and trusted you. As I like to say: trust issues begin in the person who has them. She doesn't trust herself not to cheat if she doesn't trust you. You come across as a really nice fellow who obviously has a lot of trust and gives freedom and would a like a little in return. She needs to know what you want. Don't suffer in silence, communication is your key to happiness here.

If she is unwilling to change or even listen to what you have to say, if she doesn't acknowledge or accept the situation - then you should consider moving on. Just remember that people can change and it is never too late. Your hard work on her could pay off and be the best thing you ever did.

This "dispose of it because it does not meet our requirements" mentality is another reflection of the illness in the human psyche. We do it with products, with foodstuffs, cars, clothes, you name it. We now seem to do it with other people. Truly sad.

 

This whole post is very presumptuous and negative but the part I made bold is the kind of pessimism that is simply not true. Imagine if you yourself had these things said about you, imagine if this is how people viewed you and treated you as such, do you think your condition would improve? Or do you think you would get worse as spite and self-loathing warps your psyche into a malevolent revenge-seeker?

Then imagine that people helped you in different ways, by showing you in ways you can understand how you are hurting people. How your behaviour is counter-productive for yourself and for those around you. Imagine if they showed you that you could live a better life if you change some of the negative things in your head... Do you think that would make you a better person and more considerate?

All this girl needs is to learn how trust you, learn how to respect you and others. How to respect your relationship. It is your time to teach or at least aid in the learning process.

 

You're right, my post was very presumptuous - I don't know the girl. My whole point is based on my own personal experience with people who appear to share this kind of personality. Take (or leave) my advice with that in mind. Maybe he can succeed where I failed, but again, based on my experience - the kind of personality is incapable of accepting any kind criticism, no matter how it presented, much less the ability to think self critically, which is a prerequisite for any kind of positive personal growth. Dropping her like a bad habit might be the only way for a person who is not a behavioral health expert to convince her that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Harsh - probably. If he thinks it's worth it to try, and he himself has the emotional resources to try - then by all means.

 

Definitely get rid of her. She clearly has some personal issues to work out before she is ready for a relationship.

 

How do we both sound controlling? And insecure? I am a little confused here.

 

These are children dude. They should only worry about themselves, not helping psychos through their daddy issues.

 

exactly....i was sucked in to the whole''dont abandon'' vortex of hell...i lost many years on several women that i should have written off long before i actually did


blow her out the door and dont look back

 

Yeah, if you're with a partner for several years and then they develop an issue, help them through it. But why is it his job to try to fix someone who had issues from the start?

 

What kind of attitude is that for a child to have? I would rather that children were altruistic than selfish. And he says that he and his girlfriend both work, so they are young adults rather than children. Everyone is an adult to me, really, I've met many children that are more mature and capable, educated and considerate than many many adults. Your perception is rigid and dangerous, rooted in the turbulent and unsuccessful past of human behaviour, it is time to move to the future and heal damaged people, not leave them to fester.

There is no need to "waste years" on this... Like I said, communicate and if she doesn't want to play ball then you should consider given up on her.

Callous and selfish is the message I'm getting from most of you. What ever happened to humanity?

 

double post

 

children are sociopaths. it's a their natural state.

there is a big difference between selfish/self-interest and being cruel. you act as if removing himself from a toxic relationship is cruelty.

 

No no, I said that "If he feels she's worth it" didn't I? Don't put words in my mouth, please.

 

You have just removed all credibilty from your viewpoints on this issue, for me. That is simply untrue and a very warped view of what people are naturally.

 

Fair enough.

If you had a teenage son, would you like to see him go through an abusive relationship like this one on the premise that "people can change"? Or would you rather he move on to being a teenager and not worrying about other people's psychological issues?

My point is that childhood is very short. It is the one time that we as humans have no responsibility to anyone, but ourselves. He should be developing as an individual; not helping someone else develop as an individual.

Besides, it seems that it would be in the pyscho girl's best interest to not be in a relationship right now. So, he'd be doing her a favor. Altruistic enough?

 

Frankly, I don't give a fuck about your views on my credibility.

 

What on Earth makes you think like that? Why is it wrong to help people?

I did not suggest spending years wasting his life helping this girl, merely communicating openly in an attempt to improve her as a person. And stop calling him a child, I don't believe he is. You seem to be saying that it is wrong for children to care about others? That they should all be selfish and self-serving?

If you are raised as a child who only cares about themselves and has no responsibility for anyone but themselves, that is most likely what kind of adult you will be. That is not a good kind of adult to be.

Helping others is a fantastic way to develop as an individual.

 

You seem like a stand up kind of guy. Regardless of if you downplay any of your own issues, you seem like a calm and collected rational individual. That being said. I have been in situations like you. In fact, I have lost a lot of friends due to one particular jealous individual. It all seems frustrated but "normal" because she is your girlfriend and something you should just accept. This is wrong. This girl has trust issues. You need to have a calm conversation with her, explain that your not going to cheat on her and that when you do things like add friends on facebook or meet knew people that it does not mean your intentions are to sleep with them. If you keep your part of the conversation calm and collected, explaining specifically and literally your concerns about her jealous tendencies, then one of two things will happen. She will either A) Apologize and begin talking with you about how she will attempt to show you more respect and trust. Probably also a little guilt about how she just cares for you and doesn't want to lose you to some random. Or B) She will blow up in your face or start crying, either arguing aggressively with you about the situation or crying as she sobs about how either something has happened to her in the past to make her this way or that she "can't handle *sob* your interaction with other *sob* women". Both the aggressive route or the crying are basically working towards the same end. Control. If she can fight with you and "win" she has basically beaten you into submission and your no better off, if she can cry enough and use the right language for you to sympathize with her your basically dropping the issue and then are no better off.

If anything in column B happens then you should just break it off, even if you care for her, she is not prepared to work on the relationship or compromise and give you a bit of breathing room. Working on relationships does not mean that YOU are the only one working, she wont start giving you more trust until you show her you deserve if, but if she freaks out before any chance at a risk-trust situation (if all she sees is the risk part) then she is not working with you, she is telling you to work for her. If you can not have an actual dignified and rational conversation with a significant other where you can explain yourself and even say a few things that might be difficult for her to hear, then you have no hope of a successful relationship.

As for the other guy situation, if even her friends are turning against her about it, it might need to be something you look into.

Dont be a dick and tell her that if she cant learn to trust you more and give you space that your automatically leaving, but dont let yourself be a doormat for someone who obviously does not trust you, nor respect you.

 

The above post, now that is some good advice.

Who said it was his "job"????? And how do you know she's had these issues from the start? And even if she had these issues from the start, why is that a reason to not try and help her??