I can't go into work today because...

I am locked in the freezer of the grocery store. There is a man with a gun out there.

 

I have explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting.uke:

 

I died last night.

 

Because it is obviously the illogical thing to do.

 

I've been put in the witness protection program.

 

Im celebrating MLK day.. btw I work for the KKK , pretty sure Ill be unemployed tomorrow.. I didnt like their uniforms anyways.. :leaving:

 

I'm tied to a chair with a ball gag in my mouth.

 

....because I accidently fell into the burning cross at a KKK rally. You can't see shit through those masks! (Djengo Unchained reference)

 

My baby is sick.

 

My dog won't let me off my leash.

 

A squirrel attacked my nuts.

 

....I am tired.

 

I need a mental health day

 

I am not feeling extremely well.

 

I have Anal Glacoma. My eyes can't see my ass going to work.

 

...I am not at my best.....

 

I'm waiting on someone to come repair my roof where a meteor fell through it last night.

 

...its freezing cold outside.

 

I just don't feel like it! lol

 

...I didn't iron my clothes.