"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

I went to the big aquarium last night, and there was an incident. I'll be in as soon as the octopus lets go.

 

Hey man, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere and the work day is already over.

 

My girlfriend lost the keys to the handcuffs.

 

I cant find my shoes

 

I'm quarantined in my house by the CDC something about a medical experiment gone wrong.

 

i was up al night eating beans and now i cant add 1+1....true story

 

I dreamt I died at work today, last night and I'm not taking any chances.

 

I drank some odd koolaid, and now the carpet's going to suck me in and put me to work for the monkey king....

 

"Cause I'm going to Disneyland!

 

a zombie bit me, and now im a zombie. I gotta get that worked out

 

I see dead people.

 

Its my cousin Juan's wedding

 

I fell into the well, can't swim....

 

I'm trying to find rope to get farmout out of the well.

 

I went for a morning jog and now I'm lost.

 

i got arrested for posession

 

My GPS is on the Fritz.

 

A hooker stabbed my eyes out and her sidekick donkey ate my balls...Then her pimp came and sewed up my ass after stuffing it with porkgrinds and meth...

 

I am taking pictures of celebrities shopping.

 

I'm trying to steal crummyrummy's camera.