"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

got stuck in the stairwell

 

I painted the floor and I'm stuck in the corner til it dries.

 

A WALRUS DESTROY my car.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1F...aol.com/video-detail/walrus-destroy/284805144

 

my mouthwash locked out the breathalyzer on my car.

 

? a drunken walrus ate my car, thought it was a anchovy cause of my jesus fish on the bumper.

 

I haven't finished reloading all the ammo I'm gonna need.

I'm under the influence of herbal viagra.

The Center for Disease Control has put a tent up around my house.

My astrologer told me today was my most likely day to die by drowning in lime jello, and I just can't take the chance of a random quantum flux filling my office with it. Cherry would be bad too.

I have to pick up my cousin- he smoked a half ounce, and woke up this morning in Tijuana wearing a blonde wig and a red cocktail dress.

My rice crispies told me to go back to bed.

I woke up and there was an aardvark in my bathroom. I don't want to know how the rest of the day's going to turn out.

My girlfriend braided my pubes to my leg hair again. It'll be hours untangling it.

I'm a little busy today, I'll call you after I've posted bail. By the way, do you have ten thousand bones I can borrow?

 

I've got happy feet

 

I'm in a world of warcraft raid.

 

my eyes wont open!!

 

I've got better things to do!

 

I'm not done poisoning the brownies for 'potluck friday'.

 

My ankle bracelet goes off every time I try to leave the house.

 

A UFO crashed in my front yard and these men in black suits won't let me <click - dial tone>

 

Home Land Security found out that I’ve been calling Bush, Monkeyboy on Hipforums and wants to know what I’ve been doing the last 60 years.

 

My girlfriend just told me that she's going to be pimping me out to bored housewives, so my services are going to cost 125$ her hour, in advance.

 

hey um.. i cant come into work today. Because... well, sir, your phone is about to self destruct.

 

I’m hearing voices telling me to build a baseball field in my back yard and that I need to start today.

 

Because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.....(said in your best jack nicholson voice)

 

there was an accident with one of my calves and some peanut butter... I don't really want to get into it right now but let's just say it hurts a bit when I try to pee....

 

I started a game of Jumandji and the only way to save my friends and get the world back to normal is to keep playing.