"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

GLENGLEN has been mean to me, so I'm pouting, I'll be going to my room now.....

 

I GOT MRSA....again....lol.....

 

I'm in labor. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

because i have a penis for a nose...

 

my wife has just cut all the sleeves from my shirts and legs from my trousers cos she found out I've been having an affair with the local mullah's poodle.

 

i have hemorrhoids real bad and someone needs to wipe them with preparation H every 2 hours. i can come in if you'd be willing to apply the cream?

 

Got a new job with S.E.T.I.

 

because my cat died. unbeknownst to me, she was under the blanket when i farted. RIP fluffy

 

because a dingo stole my baby.

 

because i'm having too much fun on hipforums, and i want to spend the whole day on the internet.

 

because my car has turned into a pumpkin.

 

because i drove my enchanted pumpkin into a wall and it exploded.

 

I can't find the small scissors and the jungle growing from my nose is restricting my breathing.

 

hahahaha!!!

i can't come to work because my roomate is having trouble breathing because he won't trim his nosehair.

 

I can't come into work cos my new room-mate's a hottie and we are going to get to know each other a little better.

 

well after reviving my "new roommate" from his nose-hair asphyxiation, i now can't come to work because he's busy drowning himself in a waterfall. he's a full time job... maybe i should make him pay me....

 

my arm is stuck down the back of the sofa after trying to find some money so I could keep my new roommate happy.

 

the extraction team to pull my roomie out from behind the couch is here all day, tearing apart the house, trying to keep him alive. i'm about to tell them to just cut his arm off.

 

I'm chasing our neighbour's chihuawah(how the hell are you supposed to spell that) who is sprinting down the road dragging my arm behind him.
What's that?
No, I know I don't need two arms to be a telemarketer boss, but the keys to the car are in my other hand.

 

lol, lol!

i can't come to work because i just shot a chihuahua to retrieve a severed arm, and now PETA is throwing me in jail.