How to "get over it"?

hard liquor will dissolve all your problems

 

Hey love

You might be interested in what's called 'The Work.'

Its basic premise is that 'it's not the things that happen to us that disturb us, but the thoughts that we have about them.' Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you ha ve attached to something not true for you. Thoughts aren't personal. So you either believe what you think or you question it. There is no other choice.

So, following these ideas, your discomfort with physical contact is brought about by stressful thoughts about the person who might touch you. ie:

"This person is using me for their pleasure."
"All they want from me is sex."
"They will hurt me."
"He's pressuring me to have sex."
"I'm not as attractive as Katie."

The Work is a process of inquiry involving four questions and what is called a 'turn around.'

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought? (When you believe that thought)
4. Who would you be without the thought?

These inquiries have relevance only if the heart is consulted.
I'll give you an example of some work I've done. Suncatch, I've been dealing with feeling obligated to have sex with the guys I've gone out with since I was 14.

So I'm going to do The Work on this painful thought to give you an example of how it works:

"He is manipulating me."

1. Is it true?
-Yeah. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear because he thinks he can get in my pants that way.

2. Can I absolutely know that it's true? -Ask your heart
-No, I can't *absolutely* know if it's true. It still looks like it though..

3. How do I react when I think that thought?
>How do I feel?
-I feel sadness in my chest and throat, my forehead tenses, and I feel angry. I feel like a victim. Helpless.
>How do I treat him when I think that thought?
-I see him as ugly and, frankly, bad. He's like a predator. I say things that are very inauthentic.

4. Who would I be without the thought, "he's manipulating me?" (Go to heart)
-Peaceful. Open. I'd feel inclined to treat him gently in my mind.

The turn around is about checking out what deeper truths these stressful thoughts are clues to.

So, "He's manipulating me." One turn around is "I'm manipulating me." Could that be as true or truer?
-Yes. I'm trying to get myself to be sexual when I'm not ready (even though I'm resisting)

Another: "I'm manipulating him"
-At first I couldn't see how this could be true. It suddenly dawned on me that I was acting like I was sexually attracted to him and wanted to be with him because I thought that was the only way that I could get his approval. So he's manipulating me by trying to get me to have sex with him, and I'm manipulating him to try and get the pleasure of his approval.

"He's not manipulating me"
-I can see that. He's actually quite clear about what he wants.


So, that's how it works. (By the way, I'm not suggesting that you're looking for approval or aren't attracted to them, Suncatch. That's just an example of my work.)


#1 Misunderstanding about The Work: It makes you passive. (Actually, the underlying thought hear is, "I need fear and stress to motivate me"--try the work on that one). My experience is that what happens is just the opposite. The Work brings me to an assertive place. In my experience, fear and stress perverts my motives; clarity and love let's me act efficiently and fluently.

The founder of the work is named Byron Katie.
See thework.org or byronkatie.com


Love,
Ginger

 

Oh wow ... that's EXTREMELY interesting!

Thanks, Ginger, for reminding me why I post here ...

PS: Very unfortunately, hard liquor is part of what got me into this mess to begin with ... Jack.

 

Your welcome, babe. Let me know if you have questions. And don't believe in the work. Test it yourself if you feel like it.

 

VALIUM!

 

Suncatcher what state do you live in and I can give you some information about places where you can get help for free I will also post the names of a couple of good books that can be helpful. If you don't want to post your state PM me.

 

It's cool. I'm in Pennsylvania close to West Virginia.

I'm SO not into the counseling thing. I don't want to take any New Age classes or go talk to some guru who offers to solve all my problems. I want some practical advice to ... help me solve all my problems

I think I'm on the right track.

 

It wont be counseling or new age advice I don't like that stuff. I will be just people that you can talk to and not face to face that have experience with what you are dealing with and can help you. Also it wont solve all your problems it will help you learn how to deal with them and help you move on.

 

http://www.nsvrc.org/
http://pcar.org/help/hotlines.html

I don't know if you have looked at these websites but they are very helpful and they have hotlines that you can call to just talk. IT is very. I will post the names of the books on here in the morning when I get to work. I don't have the list at home.

 

One must be comfortable with themselves to overcome any fear. Knowing the fear and being able to see within the fear is the first step of overcoming it (which you appear to be able to do). A brave person will always concentrate on his/her breathing and maintaining stability when confronting a fear. A true warrior finds balance in all things (<---- that one always helps me).

These, my dear, and more things which I'd like to be able to think of right now, are things which I'd like to say to you. I will be thinking about this for the next few days and will make every attempt at coming here to say intelligent things as I recognise this is really bothering you. I will try.

One thing I frequently have to tell myself is that some things I can't get over .... I have to learn to deal with them.

 

Ah ha - sometimes we must leave the past behind us if we are to have a future.

But it all cames down to being strong - which I believe you are. You have been made to passively believe your weaknesses, which, in turn, makes you unwilling to overcome them.

That's the hardest one to fathom. I found I had to sit down in silence and meditate over that one.

 

By "exact physical opposite" you must mean fat ugly right? You ARE pretty and need to admit it to yourself! You sound like an 80lb anorexic who thinks she is fat! Self awareness type classes should cost about $200 at a local community college. How do you know that you are not good in bed? I could give you dome tips that would change that in a heartbeat. Being a guy myself, I know what they like.

 

No, she's a beautiful, stick-thin, blonde, Anglo girl who plays up her looks.
On the other hand, I'm white but I'm not Anglo; I'm petite but I'm not thin; I'm DEFINITELY not blonde; and being pretty is not my thing.
I think I am unacceptable because I have been left five different times for five different girls who all looked just like her. Ergo I think most men want girls who look like her, even if they think girls like me look "exotic" or whatever.

I know I'm bad in bed because I'm shy ... basically all I know to do is lie still and pretend I don't hate it
When I do like it, I try to hide that, because I am afraid my partner will start to think I'm weak and that he has power over me.
That's why I don't want you to give me dome tips. (Sorry.) I don't want to become a mechanical sex toy who simply doles out favors ... I want to be able to reciprocate, not just solely give or solely receive.

 

hey suncatch22, you poor poor sweet girl!, i've got some imotional problums too and some mental scars because of some things i've gone thrue in life. that game sounds like a brillient idea even if it is just a cartoon, it could possibly help you to get over your fears as well as having some theropy
I don't like anti depressents at all, they made me feel like a zomby and shut away in a wee bubble every day, so i came off them. i've got no self worth too iether so it can be a bit frustrating some times ya know? we will be here for you as long as you need us and you keep posting, talking it thrue with other people helps too even if it is in writing. let us know how you get on beautiful
{{{hugs}}}
lizzie
xxx

 

the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems

 

Suncatch - don't ignore Jinny's earlier suggestion about Second Life. Since you like the internet as a way of working through your problems, and don't have the money or institutional support to access a psychiatrist, this may be helpful to you.

 

Have you actually tried playing Second Life?
it's buggy as all hell, awkward to play/control and you generally need to sink real money into it to do anything interesting insofar as I can tell.
er, well, that's just my take on it. At least it's free to poke at, but it's also not a great game if you're, say, on dialup

 

I have not tried Second Life personally, and if a lot of money has to be put into it, I would be wary, but if it could be accessed easily and inexpensively by someone with the computer skills of Suncatch, it might be worth trying.

 

Most us think that white is anglo and anglo is white. Symantecs ya know?
Most of us think that petite = thin. Sounds like you are both.
Your pretty whether it's your thing or not.
I would not have offered you tips to "become a mechanical sex toy who simply doles out favors ". Actually I would not have given you any specific "moves" but explained what kind of attitude / response that a guy would enjoy hearing from you while in bed. As for whether you dole out favors...uh that is up to you but...wow...I didn't think you were the type. I was assuming you would keep my suggestions in mind when you are with someone that you care about. My suggestions would help you reciprocate in a manner that you would be receptive to. You can't just lay there or guys aren't coming back for more. It would suck to lose a guy because of what might be perceived as lack-luster effort in bed. If you change your mind PM me. Can't see how you have anything to lose.
You make things way to hard on yourself. I think it might help to lighten up and not be so harsh on yourself.

 

You "get over it" by empathizing with those that hurt you... Trying to interpret their shortcomings and ultimately forgive them, regardless of whether they were right or wrong. They didn't know better...


You also get over it by looking forward to the challenges your future relationships will bring. Welcome the challenge. Will the challenge... Wish for that you fear most...

Thirdly, you get over it by communicating every single insecurity you have and your past experiences with your new partner. That is what real courage and bravery is about. Have the courage to behave authentically around those you love.

I hope I don't sound too preachy, but it hurts me to see someone like you so armored and fatalistic.