How open is your bisexuality door?

coming out was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I did it for myself and my mental health. I was cruising towards darkness... actually it got very dark for me. Then something clicked. I had to make some changes. Death was not the best choice. Living out and proud was and is... I can sure understand why any man would decide to keep this part of him a total secret. There is still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding about this... even though I suspect there are a lot more people who are sexually attracted to the same sex to some degree than they are able to admit. It is just too easy to put all the blame on the man who admits he likes to do it with another man. I just reached the end of myself and I was contemplating that everyone would be a whole lot better off with me gone - dead - than causing them pain and hurt, and misunderstanding.
At the time, I had already been having casual sexual encounters outside my marriage because my wife had lost interest in me sexually. She claimed she still had times when she was horny, but quite ironic to me, I never knew when these times were... and my desire for sex was the driver that took me back to having hook-ups with men (I had been living openly as gay in my twenties before I met her - that is a long story for another time). I knew I desired sex with men. I also was struggling to make peace with this and to say to myself that I am OK just the way I am. I also knew that I craved real relationships with men, friendships or romantic involvements - although, I also had never experienced a long-term romantic relationship with a man that amounted to anything - one lasted a little less than a year before it ended quite badly. Another, I can't remember the length of the relationship, but it was marred with trouble from the start - he was mentally abusive, stole from me, and in the end became physically violent when I booted him out of my apartment - that all drove me to think about my sexual orientation and realizing & remembering that I was also attracted to women - and what the hell was I doing? I had other dreams that could not be fulfilled with a man. Thus, I put myself back in that closet and decided that my attractions to men could be controlled. Thus, my marriage and three wonderful children... but, as time went on, I missed the same sex relationships, and my feelings of satisfaction with my wife tumbled down a steep hill. I justified "cheating" that at least I was not with another woman - you might be surprised to find out that she did not see it that way.
We struggled for several years, going to counseling, dealing with her desire for monogamy which equaled my life as a celibate.
She kept drawing lines in the sand, and I crossed the lines time and time again.
And so, for my own well-being, I came out to some friends, to my adult children, who quite surprising to me, seemed to already know... even though my wife was determined they would never know... they knew. It has not been easy. It's been very hard, actually.
We've managed to muddle along - but recently I realized that my wife feels our family times are fake. and I realized some of my children are also struggling to move along - and certainly my wife has not healed. So, now I am taking the steps to file for divorce. We have been married for 39 years this month. We've been anything but married for too long. I find this embarrassing. I find it devastating. Yet, it happens to people, to couples... and it is needed for us both and our family to move forward and try to enjoy whatever time we have left on this earth.

 

'Oh, I'm keeping the faith and staying strong, my friend. Thank you @GrayGuy57 for the encouragement and kind words.