Ride it out yes, ...go with it, go with the ebb and flow. When i first saw your post i thought "surely this is just one of those 'down times' ...where things die and dissolve, only to resurface again. Perhaps 'going with the flow' is acceptance in itself ...which will bring us to our center. I read a great piece in a Buddhist leaflet the other day about the 'ebb and flow': "Ones place is that to which one is most strongly bound. It is the foundation on which ones entire edifice of ones identity is built. It is formed through identification with a physical location and social position, by ones religious and political beliefs, through that instinctive conviction of being a solitary ego. Ones place is where one stands, and whence one takes a stand against everything that seems to challenge what is "mine". Delight in it creates a sense of being fixed and secure in the midst of an existance that is anything but 'fixed and secure'. Loss of it, one fears would mean that everything one cherishes would be overwhelmed by chaos, meaningless or madness. Siddhattha Gotama's quest has led him to abandon everything to do with his place - his home, his homeland, his social standing, his position in the family, his beliefs, his conviction of being a self in charge of a body and mind - but this does not result in psychotic collapse. For in relinquishing his place (alaya), he has arrived at a ground (tthana). This ground is quite unlike the seemingly solid ground of a place, it is the contingent, transient, ambiguous, unpredictable, fascinating and terrifying ground called "life." Life is a groundless ground: no sooner does it appear, than it disappears, only to renew itself, then immediately break up and vanish again. It pours forth endlessly. If you try to grasp it the water pours away between your fingers. The groundless ground is not the absence of support. It supports you in a different way. Whereas a place ties you down and closes you off, this ground lets you go and opens you up. It does not stand still for a moment. To be supported by it you have to be with it in a different way too. Instead of standing firmly on your feet and holding on tight with both hands in order to feel secure in your place, here you have to dart accross it's liquid surface, like a long legged fly, swim with it's current like a fast moving fish. Siddhattha compared the experience to "entering a stream." Anyway eden, about your current feeling of loss of awareness ... i just think something has been absorbing you in thought, or you've been rattled or unbalanced by something recently and it's just taken you away from the focus you've been having. ...happens to me all the time. When we don't know what's going on we tend to freak out and the freaking out makes it worse so i'd suggest just not worrying about it, feeling safe, and trusting the process.
uh..i read half of that yesterday afternoon..and i wernt even on here no wonder my heads fucked well i have had a cig, and i dont care.
You read half the 'groundless ground' passage? I did think it may be helpful for you in riding out these highs and lows ...particularly the lows. And i needed to read it too because after a 9 month high .. of feeling somewhat peacful and balanced, aware, and everyone being ultra nice to me ... i'm feeling a bit chaotic and absorbed in stupid thinking, no dreaming ... i think my current situation with where i live and my job is coming to an end. Two week ago my boss called me aside, asked me if i was ok (i've been a bit emotional and inside myself recently), but he said: " Hardy (me), if you were to pack it in right now, i'd say "well done mate" and shake your hand." ... well, it was a nice comment but i've been wondering why he mentioned me leaving ever since? Anyway yesterday i found a feather (message) and had a slightly heated disagreement with one of the junior partners who i also work with all day ...it was so unjust, and it seemed to me i should perhaps leave ... i feel things will break down if i stay. I was recently asked to move out of my lodgings also (my landlords recently married and wanna walk about naked and have the place to themselves) ...so i just feel that my current situation here is dissolving and it's time to move on elsewhere ... it's hard, ... fear creeps in because i don't know what i'll do or where i'll go but there's an excitement about change too and most of all i just need to surrender to trust so i don't have to worry or think about it but just listen for when things feel right. So i feel with us both, it's just change throwing us off balance. RELAX!! Everything's ok. Oh yeah, strangely i had a dream about running on water, along a canal, ..several months ago. There were sections of wooden platform every so often but mostly water. I wonder if this canal represents this 'stream' and the wooden sections represent periods of stability where i can put down roots?
Hey eden, just want you to know I am thinking about you and wish I could help in some way. You seem really bummed out. We all have our "dark nights of the soul" We all need to lean on each other when this happens. Hope things turn around for you soon....
and turn around it has, maybe your thoughts helped too... mm, 11:11 has struck again hehe...the attitude shift has taken me...lol and as for the psi vamps,...well, if thats how they get the grub...just change the flavour see ya'
