For bi men whose wife is still "in the dark".......

KD23:

Well said and REALLY "getting to the core" of this VERY touchy "hot button" issue; EXCELLENT commentary, as usual.............

 

We sometimes hear of "open marriages", where the husband and the wife are free to "have relations" with anyone they choose (at least, from what I have heard); basically, such a marriage would be a union in name only.

In such a "marriage", I wonder if the husband being bisexual would really matter all that much to the wife, or matter nothing at all.............

 

A union in name only? Where'd you get that idea from? Open marriages are still marriages in every sense of the word... except the monogamous part went out the window and by mutual agreement. Would hubby's bisexuality matter? It would if that's the reason why the marriage went open although sex and sexuality aren't the only reasons why couple can opt for an open marriage - they're just the usual culprits.

People cheat because they have needs that are either being ignored or otherwise not addressed or taken care of. If you don't want your wife or husband cheating on you, remove the reasons why they would cheat, up to and including giving each other permission to pursue... other interests with other folks and according to a set of agreed upon rules. The reason why this fails with so many couples is that they can't get rid of tradition relationship crap or, as I've told many couples, you have to unlearn everything you think you know about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn a whole new way of doing these things.

And if you're not grown up enough and harboring a lot of negative emotions and think this is just about you, don't even think about going there because it'll only end in disaster. Guys go on the DL because they can reasonably assume that if they ask their wife if they can start an open marriage, she's going to come up with some inventive ways to tell him to go fuck himself and why it's better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. Some guys have broached this subject with their wife and find out that, um, she had a similar idea in mind, but she faced the same situation that he thought he would: Not knowing what the response was going to be to such an outrageous suggestion and for an even more outrageous reason.

Whether it's going to work or not depends on the rules and everyone playing by them and without exception. Ideally, open marriages are about "us" and not "me" so much.

 

I used to be concerned and even worried when cheating on my wife with men and women but honestly as this marriage has failed and is at its end I’m not really worried at all about getting busted. I’m still careful of course as I don’t want her to have ammo to get alimony from me. I sometimes think ending it would be easier if I dud get busted but I’ll just soldier on and do it the right way.

 

"Soldier on".........that's the best ANYONE can do, regardless of sexuality, under trying circumstances......just "keep on keepin' on"...................

 

Quite a few men can have TopherD1972's attitude about this...

 

KD23:

I am sure many here would concur with you on this.........

 

I think that at some point, that fear of being discovered... goes away. Guys think, "If she knows, she just knows..." They're not going to come right out and tell her (you never give someone a stick to beat you with) but if she confronts him about (a) his infidelity and/or (b) knowing he's been having sex with men, well, that "saves" him the problem of telling her and even then, whatever happens, happens. And if she doesn't say anything about it, so much the better and "business as usual."

Not every guy on the DL feels this way about it, though and justifiably so. The whole purpose of being on the DL is that the people you don't want to know what you're doing never finds out - and especially your wife. You don't want them being suspicious and asking questions that you do not want to answer. It... sucks having to go the DL but unless you have her permission, this is where you go and, well, you know the rest.

 

KD23:

Just curious.......

Do you think that when bi married men are looking for other men for M2M action, it is more because:

A: The wife just isn't in the mood for sex at all, at any time?

B: Or, because they married bi husband, even though he's getting sex from his wife, finds out that it just isn't enough to satisfy his urges, and he is intent on getting cock and ass as he is about getting pussy?

 

Well put for "you never give someone a stick to beat you with"! Yepp, you make them go to the effort to find that stick themselves!

I read in another forum about a guy who played on the safer side, just frotting & receiving oral briefly, and got a treatable STI! And had to tell his wife about it to get her treated as well, as they had sex after he was exposed. They both seem to be dancing around the subject, but he's lucky she hasn't exploded at him - yet! There is surely going to be a reckoning / "come to Jesus" moment in his immediate future!

That's kind of a nightmare scenario for DL guys! Poor bastard got unlucky in what seems to be either the first time he played, or first in a long time? And he has a family to worry about on top of his sexuality! While the wife was the one who was wronged, I still don't wish that kind of stress & anxiety on anyone! He just wanted to explore and has no intention of ever wanting to leave her.

 

Man, talk about "walking on the edge of a sword", or, living on the edge of a smoldering volcano, and NOT knowing WHEN it will ERUPT.

So many risks....many serious....that NEED to be talked out and addressed OPENLY and HONESTLY, not just between the bi husband and his wife, but also, between the the bi married husband and whatever other men he is getting it on with.........

 

@GG57, both A and B are viable reasons to take up M2M sex. I knew - met and had sex with - a guy who, when we met face-to-face, told me that what drove his decision to meet with me to see if he could become a cocksucker was waking up in the middle of the night and asking himself, "Is this all there is?" He said that he got to thinking that while he had no complaints about sex with his wife, there had to be more to it than just, well, pussy. Did I think he was wrong for wanting both? I laughed and told him, "Man, I've been going both ways since I was nine and I never cared about it being wrong."

He found cocksucking to be to his liking. Said that I was right when I told him it'll open his eyes big time. Blew each other a second time. Asked... no one in particular why he waited so long to suck cock. Went for it a 'magical' third time. A lot of other men fell into 'category A' more often than not. I have never personally met a guy who wasn't in the mood for, at least, a nice blowjob session. More if the guys in question were down with that. If you have 5 to 30 minutes to spare, dicks can be sucked and balls emptied and it's just what the doctor ordered. In my whole life, maybe five or six guys who did suck dick but didn't swallow - but you could cum in their mouth and they'd spit it out. Go ask a woman - girlfriend or wife - to give you a blowjob and just pay attention to what they have to say about that. Yes, some guys are lucky in that they can ask for a blowjob and immediately get one... not talking about them.

 

@Suburbanray, my protege's second FWB was a guy who liked to be frotted and my protege was more than happy to go for it like that (he had a thing about putting dick in ass at the time) and his FWB gave him (1) a bad yeast infection on one occasion and (2) chlamydia on another occasion and even tested positive for it in his mouth. This is one of the reasons why the guys who swear that having an FWB is safer get asked, "Do you know where his dick has been when he's not with you? Do you really know who he's been with since the last time he was with you?"

In both situations, my protege had to contact everybody he'd had sex with to tell them about being infected and treated so they needed to see a doctor, you know, just in case. I don't know if my protege infected anyone else but, man, he was so pissed and disillusioned because he, too, believed that this was the safer option and, yep, I said to him, "I told you, didn't I..." Both of his infections were treatable, but he learned a valuable lesson about believing shit he'd been reading on the internet re having a safe FWB. He's still friends with the guy but I was pleased to know that he was no longer having sex with him. I did tell him that I was going to come to his house and kick his ass if he kept having sex with that guy - and I wasn't playing. He also learned that when I tell him not to do something, don't do it. In this case, he trusted a man who, for me, was waving more red flags than a hurricane warning and I told him, but I did so knowing that in some things, a guy just has to find out the hard way and on his own.

My protege is single so there was no wife and family to be concerned about and he is, at the least, on PrEP even though it took him a couple of years before he got off his procrastinating ass to see a doctor about it.

 

KD23:

Your comments and opinions (as well as personal experiences) indeed strike a POWERFUL chord; just because you have a FWB, DO NOT assume that, because he INSISTS to you that he is "clean", DOES NOT always mean he is being honest with you; ANY guy who is infected with some sort of STD and DOES NOT inform his FWBs of this is really a fucking lowlife.

Here again, as I've said many times in the past, BE SURE you KNOW what you are getting into BEFORE you start "playing the field" with other men.

Sure, you're HORNY, sure you want to experience sex with another guy, BUT, is putting YOUR health at risk by tossing your common sense to the wind, and letting your DICK overrule that common sense WORTH a nut-busting BJ, or a good. hard fuck in the ass?

I certainly do not think so......again, if you are having sex with other men....or, at least, seriously thinking about it, DO NOT let your DICK do your thinking....that's what your BRAIN is for...........

 

Is it worth the risk? A great many men believe that it is. Sex, even with women, has always been inherently risky and the best way to avoid this risk is to not have sex. With anyone. Ever. But male libido doesn't quite work like that. Condoms are the smart option as is PrEP but they haven't come up with a PrEP-like drug that'll protect you from the common STIs so common sense says to wear condoms... but condoms can be a problem for some from being allergic to the materials and the spermicide in the lubricant - and the lubricant itself - to not being able to maintain an erection and right along with loss of sensation and no matter how thin the condom is. Even some women can't use feminine protection due to allergic reactions, loss of sensation, etc.. And condoms break.

A woman I was going down on insisted that I use the oral dam she provided and I didn't have a problem with it but just like sucking a condom-covered dick, it wasn't a lot of fun, and the taste was off-putting and, obviously, I couldn't feel her pussy against my mouth, had a hard time trying to get my tongue under her clitoral hood and... she grabbed me by the head, pulled me away from her, grabbed the oral dam and flung it across the room and said, "Now you can eat this pussy so get to eating!" When it was time to fuck her, I grabbed the condom I brought with me and she said, "Give that to me..." and I thought she was going to put it on me. She threw it to the other side of the room and said, "I hate those fucking things - I can't feel the dick in me!"

A guy insisted on condoms when he wanted to fuck me and... he couldn't stay hard enough to get it in me. He stopped trying, his dick was again as hard as steel, and he gave me a good fucking that made sitting down a bit difficult. In both situations, me and the person I was having some kind of sex with assumed the risk of unprotected sex because being in the moment and not having sex... does not ever serve the purpose.

It why one must be fully aware and prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions. If you go raw with someone, it will behoove you (and them) to make sure that you're nice and healthy and if you presume that they are, then you are accepting the risk right along with them although, honestly, I don't know of anyone who had a STI/STD and kept right on having sex with people - but I've heard of motherfuckers and bitches who have and they knew they were dirty like that.

So, yeah - for those of us who want to have sex, it is worth it and deemed to be worth it by one's brain first.

 

KD23:

Once again, another "on target" excellent response, another in which "think with your HEAD, and not with your DICK" truly speaks many valuable volumes.

As you already are well are of, my friend, I am 68 and have been (for a number of reasons) TOTALLY celibate, relying on porn and my own intense imagination to satisfy my (m2m) urges and desires.

Do I feel cheated or "out of the realm"?

NO WAY!

That I can enjoy INTENSE fantasies and INTENSE stimulation WITHOUT any sort of PHYSICAL contact with anyone else gives me, once "the nut has been busted", a tremendous feeling of both great satifaction and well-being.....NO chance on catching and STD, or being physically/emotionally put in peril.

My closest friend (like a brother to me) passed away 16 years ago; two other "platonic" friends live out-of-state, and our "getting together" is via phone only.

The EMOTIONAL "connection", which was VERY intense with my late friend (and it was mutual, although, being totally str8, had no desire to "experiment" with me, as strongly attracted to him as I was, which he was well aware of) can never be duplicated; indeed, in this day and age, when too many people are NOT what they seem, I have, in effect, TOTALLY removed myself from being in harm's way, and and live my life with a great sense of "sellf preservation', knowing that I will never be emotionally manipulated by anyone, but, even MORE importantly, know that I will NEVER have to live my quiet life wondering my sexual partner(s) has been TOTALLY honest with me about "being clean", STD-wise.

In short, do I feel "safe and secure, and, also, take great comfort in STILL having both my DIGNITY and SELF-RESPECT intact?

I sure as hell do!

 

That means that you have zero reason to be on the DL and hiding your stay there from a lover or partner. You have zero reason to worry about STIs. Zero risks.

 

KD23:

Knowing that I will never be at risk for catching ANY sort of STD, nor having to be on ANY sort of drug (like PrEP) or spending $$$$ on condoms, as I said earlier, indeed gives me a tremendous sense of "well being".

NO COMPLAINTS!

To EACH his OWN.....live YOUR life as YOU wish to....it's as SIMPLE as that!

 

IMHO, I think that one message that REALLY rings true for married men (regardless if they are str8 or bi) is that getting MARRIED does NOT guarantee "pussy on tap, 24/7") for a horny husband.

I am sure that that there are MORE than a few men who have found that out for themselves, once the honeymoon was over..........

 

IMHO, in many cases, a "reality check" can be MORE than unnerving, especially in situations such as this.......