Father issues

To: Cooldaddy,

Those expectations as you know, are unrealistic. Remember what YOU were thinking at that age??? Just teach him the RIGHT things to do.

 

I thought this thread would be about issues with your father. I need to find that thread then-

 

You can ask about him here if you like. We'll try to give you a real answer.

 

Thnaks, that is thoughtful. Basically, he has post-traumatic stress syndrome from terrible events in his life, Vietnam, divorce, etc. He has treated me terribly at times with emotional abuse, which he will mask with buying me presents and expensive gifts. He will call me with crazy stories of stuff that he accuses me of saying or doing and really hurt my feelings. Then, he says that I a ct just like my mother and I feel like he hates me for this. He gets angry, verbally attacking me, and I just hang up the phone crying. Needless to say, I am growing very distant from him. After trying to care about him and concern for him, he is still very cruel to me. I have done nothing wrong, I have a masters degree, great job, loving boyfriend, never been in jail, etc. and he doesn't think I am still good enough to his standards. I am 25 now and stand up to him now- which he also doesn't like. That is my Dad issue

 

Well, I'll start by suggesting a support group.
Other children of people with PTSS. You can find them in your phone directory.
Second, Recognize what good you are doing, and don't let anyone bullshit you
about yourself. Sounds like he may have larger issues, and you're just a local target.
You're there at the time when he's most upset.
Maybe someone else has more experience with this than I do.
(Almost none...)

 

my dads a sunofabitch he has good intentions but is just poor at alot of things...

 

My father and I haven't gotten along since I was about 15 or so. It really fucked up my life though. I mean of course I take responsibility at 26 for my decisions, but I honestly do still blame my father for what he put me through.

He was an abusive alcoholic, so I had to deal with mental abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse of myself, the burden of having to protect my little sister (which I am thankful that I could do, but as a child it was hard) and then having to see the complete absence of love from my father toward myself and my mother (my sister was the favorite, but she didn't talk, most likely due to his behavior) and the physical abuse of my mother. Pretty much our house was filled with hate most of the time and I never understood. Hell I still don't understand how someone could hate that much.

We don't have much of a relationship now. I went through a phase where I tried to impress him or make him proud of me. Then quite recently I went through the phase where I used him for money because I felt as if I deserved some sort of retribution. But now I'm at the point where I don't give a shit if I ever speak to him again. I just hope that when he dies I get something from it. Closure I mean not money (though money is always nice).

 

Okay. Then I think it's time for you to heal, and move on. hate him now, but GET OVER IT fast. Get on with your own life.

 

So I've got 6 great children. Two youngest 15 and 17 girls are livin with me and the 4 others (Three boys and another beautiful daughter) are out on their and I talk with them all atleast once everyday. I've been divorced twice and the last time was 6 yrs ago. Today i had to go to court due to being sued by a bank for 4500 dollars for a 32 ft travel trailer that the ex got in the divorce because she wanted it and it is reflected in the division of property area of the divorce decree that she assumed all financial responsiblility and would for me harmless for any concerning the trailer. I guess the real law doesn't care about that divorce decree huh? She lives in a 250,000 house that is free and clear and drives a 40000 dollar Denali that is free and clear. She is an alcoholic and Rx drug addict (morphine), the two youngest who now live with me stayed with her until they no longer felt any love from her. They really know that I love them. They are not to sure about their mother anymore...Sad. Mom is full blown diabetic, still drinking and smoking cigarettes, she has hep c, chronic pancreatitis still thinks she's god's gift to humanity.
What really pisses me off is that I always paid child support ALWAYS. I paid child even several months after no children were even with her due to how slow the courts.
The girls and I live in a small two bedroom rental house. I sleep in the living room. I'm incredibly happy except for
I don't have any money to hire a lawyer for child support or to come to court with me about this trailer deal.
I'm just starting a new job Monday.
SHe's on fucking state disability due to her her drinking her health away.
Hardly seems equitably huh ?
Any resources any of you might be aware of would be appreciated.
I just hate the thought of my new job having to garnish my paycheck for something that the court has deem her responsibility. It's just fucking crazy..

 

Saw this thread and had to post. I've mostly always gotten along with both my parents, and my mom and I have a great relationship and all, but my dad and I have sooo much in common, it's always been really special between us. When I was a teenager, when I was around the house (I traveled *a lot*) we had a tendency to stay up into the wee small hours talking. He's a really smart guy, and has a wealth of knowledge in that brain of his. He and I have both always respected my ability to "look it up" and learn things on my own, but because of this whenever I asked him for information or an opinion, it would start this huge conversation. Even now, we've lived apart for years and years, and we'll talk like this. I almost never bother calling him unless I know I have 2 hours to kill, because that's how long we generally talk at minimum. He just turned 60 last month, and he hopes to retire in the coming year. I could go on about how wonderful he is, what a great guy!

 

Wow! Thanks for posting your story. That's very nice that you guys have it.
Not only a father, but! He's a DAD and a teacher too! Hat's off to him and you. HAPPY HOLIDAZE!

 

The contribution of genetic material is definitely NOT what makes one a real parent. My dad filled the roles of both mom and dad -- I'd like to call the mother nothing more than an egg-donor, but she's done way too much to hurt me for that (so I guess sometimes you should be thankful for those who just walk away completely?).

Dad got custody when I was 4 & 1/2, my brother was only 2 & 1/2. He of course got to go through the joys of talking to me about menstruation and whatnot, as well as having to go buy supplies. Of course, I think it did help him get a date or two, as his wanting to talk about how to help his daughter deal with really bad cramps made him seem extra sensitive or something! But, apparently the worst for him was talking about sex -- not in the hypothetical of "when you have sex, here are the risks and the ways to protect yourself..." (which he did, but that wasn't so bad because it was hypothetical). But, when a girl loses her virginity, she should see a gynecologist, and have annual exams from then on. So he had a talk with me about how, though he had always joked about chasing the guy down the street with a shotgun, he really wouldn't do anything like that, but I needed to tell him when I lost my virginity so that he could get me to a doctor. And, about a week after my 15th birthday, I told him. That was definitely not one of his better days, but he responded very calmly, asked if I had used protection (yes), if I had any questions (no), and said, ok, well, I'll see about getting you an appointment.

Now, to a couple of points that were raised earlier in the thread:
Talk about sex -- it's never too early. If you have to have "The Big Sex Talk" when they are 12 or 15 or whenever, you've already fucked up. It should come in small, age-appropriate doses all along (just like they tell you for talking about drugs). I don't think any 10 year old out there should not know what a condom is. I sure as hell wasn't thinking about sex at that age, but getting the info in small doses over several years made it pretty much just there -- no big mystery, not something to do to rebel, but also not so intimidating that I would ever have been too timid to make a guy wear a condom (because protection was not something my dad threw in with a ton of info in "The Big Talk", it's just what you do unless you're stupid and want to get HIV).

To the woman talking about her boyfriend as a single dad -- ok, so just because she's raised by a single dad doesn't mean that she won't be girly... But who the fuck cares if she does turn out just like dad? I am proud to say that I have a lot of traits in common with my dad and have not been stereotypically "girly" in many many years (even then it was a phase, and I went through many of those). What is wrong with a girl being a "tom-boy"? What is wrong with her being strong and independent? What difference does it make to her value as a woman whether she plays with dolls or hot wheels?

 

A word about 'Tom-Boys'... They don't get raped as much cuzz they fight back.

 

my dad has never been in my life.i dont even know who my father is.2 me my mom is my dad.and since my dad isn`t daddy enough to come see me hes gonna get what he deserve.

 

2 all those folkswith great dads good for u it must be great.

for me my dad is a shit. i was raised by my mum and 2 brothers. my oldest brother has always cared alot about me but lives somewhere else but visits and is doin great and will always be 1 of my heros. my other brother and mum couldnt give 2 shits bout me rly. my mum always says she cares bout me but all she rly gives a shit about is keepin her job and her other 2 sons who are just " darlins" .

i cudent rly carethat my dad is an ass hole as long as i get my 50 quid off him a month which he still moans about sometimes. i never bother speaking to him or phoning. he tried to speak to me a while back by emailing me to ask how the weather was and he tells me how wasted he gets in the pub (which is every nite).

i guess having a shite dad is just as good as having a great dad though. looking up to a great dad inspies you to be just as great as a father. to lookdown on a shit dad inspires you to do better and raise you own son properly. so it works both ways.

im only 15 and have no intention at havin kids obviously lol but if i ever did hell id give them everything instead of nothing.

also to all you great dads out ther its amazing what you do. keep at it and show your generation that there are some good dads among the useless father majority.

cheers for reading my pointless rant...

 

Well, little brother Hamish... If your pop is such a shit, use your brother as a GOOD way to be. Not like Pop. Best advice I can give ya.

 

good but im going to be like me. i dont want to stoop to my dads level but dont want to strive to push myself to me brothers level. i will be myself even if it takes a lifetime to find out who i am. thats life.

 

Tis better to push yourself a bit. How else can ya know how far ya can go. Eh?

 

Custodial parent,can alienate child from good father,and nice guy husband.

History:
She told him, he did nothing wrong,she wanted more out of life than being married,and had filed for divorce. She requested him to move out of their apartment,ASAP. There followed an uncontested divorce,he never missed a child support payment,and was very careful to avoid hostility with her after their divorce.

He never filed an action with the court, missed visitation dates,etc.
He wanted to avoid providing her a reason to engage in parental alienation.

 

Yes, that's true, Legend 1967. Plus the U.S. Court system still favors the female parent. But, things are getting better.