Eating Disorder

Yeah, I'm not sure if ballet related to it at all, but I think that it went hand in hand a bit, because when I did quit ballet, it's almost as if I felt like I lost control by not dancing 24/7...and I gained weight when I quit. And that's about the time I started restricting...so, I'm not really sure how that works, or if it even relates.

I still want to be a ballerina, lol, but I stay away from it now, because I feel like it would only be dangerous to me at this point and time.

 

I also have OCD.

 

Here's a really good site that explains about BDD, and eating disorders:
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Eating_Disorders/peacelovehope/bdd.html

and this is some REALLY good info on BDD as well, in fact I like this one better:
http://www.ncpamd.com/body_dysmorphic_disorder.htm

 

That's how I was. I wanted to dance constantly. My mother would tell people that I danced until my feet were blistered and bleeding. But I loved dancing...and when I quit, I felt out of control as well, gained wieght because I started eating more.

For me, I have no doubt that my eating disorder stemmed from a feeling of being out of control most of my life. An abusive home, unstable, and being told I was no good most of the time. Eating gave me something to control. No one could do that but me. And when I was in my Anorexic years, the skinnier I got, the more I wanted to lose...as sick as this sounds, I would look at other Anorexic girls that were thinner than I was and be so overwhelmingly jealous. No matter what the scale said, I wasn't happy, and anytime I looked in the mirror I saw a "fat" girl, which was far from the truth, but looking back at pictures of me during that time, I looked completely emaciated.

 

Yeah it makes me really sad and scared now, when I look at photos of myself a few years ago and I see this tiny, frail girl.... but at that point and time in my life, I didn't see that at all. I saw fat, and I never saw that I lost weight when I looked at myself.

It was weird, because I almost couldn't grasp I could physically be losing weight, but still look big. And now I see those pictures and it's like wow...I didn't even SEE that.

 

see exactly.. I was getting very very thin and no matter what people said, I saw fat... even now I still have problems seeing myself bigger than I am.. my weight is still pretty low.. 110lbs.. and I know that is skinny but I still see myself alot bigger.. I know it sounds bad but I still use the scale as support.. I should just throw it out the window but on days I feel really fat I weight myself and when I see the number it reasures me I'm skinny.. like I said I still have issues...

but the other day I went back to one of those site I used to go to all the time and looked at the "Thinspiration" pics and I was shocked.. the same pics I used to drool over now kinda make me sick.. I'm happy that it didn't "trigger" me to go back to my old ways like it would have before so that made me feel good that I AM getting better but it made me realize I had a very distorted veiw of how people looked.. those same girls didn't look that sickly skinny when I was at my worst... it's really shocking what your mind does when you're sick...

 

I still struggle with food. I guess my problems started when I was 7 or 8 and I started competitive dancing. Where I danced at we had to "weigh in" in order to dance. If we were over a certain amount of weight for our height, we wouldn't be able to compete...

I was a chubby kid, so I struggled with it a lot and since I loved (and still love) dancing, I would do anything I could to lose those pounds. Even if that meant NOT eating for days and days at a time and exercising to the point of exhaustion. Once I got my weight under control it wasn't so bad.

Then my parents split up when I was 12. Home life was bad, everything in my life was out of control and food intake was something that I could control, so I stopped eating, if I did eat, it was Lite Saltine crackers. I was so sick and in and out of the doctor's office constantly, missed a lot of school in Jr. High, but managed to get through it.

To this day I still struggle with it, especially being in the dance industry where you're surrounded by 90 pound, 4% body fat girls in tight leotards. It's distorted my body image and hurt my self esteem.

I swear that once I am out of college and out of the dance industry things will probably get better with that because I constantly compare myself to them and that's so bad to do.

I swear on anything though, I will never put my kid in a dance class EVER because it really does have an effect on girls, as seen in this thread.

 

Double post, sorry.

 

I agree/understand everything you're saying, but to the last part...if they wanted to dance, it would be just as bad for you to stop them from doing what they want to, you know?

Obviously don't shove them into a dance class without their opinion or whatever, but what if one day they asked to take dance lessons?

I think the biggest part of being a parent, is being a parent, but not too controlling. That same control of say, you saying no to them joining a dance class, could be the very thing that could create an eating disorder.

And please don't take this to offense at all, I'm just pointing out that, while it may be a good idea to avoid the dance industry, it's also not a good idea to stop children from what they really want to do. [Well, assuming it's not something illegal and dangerous lol]

 

I get that too...the same girls I used to think look gorgeous for being so thin, look gross to me now. I too still struggle a lot, but for the MOST part my mind's been in the right place.

And, also, I love the color of your hair a lot.

 

I guess I just know what really goes on behind the scenes and what their future holds for them if they stay in it as long as I have. It's not a good place to be...and if they ask, then I'd let them (but never let them get into it as serious as I did), but if not, then I'm not going to bring it up.

I consider it protecting their safety and mental health.

 

Well, I agree there, totally. I think that's a good idea.

 

isnt it strange, the power we feel by simply not eating, or controling our food to a dangerously low intake? eating is necessary to life; just like air. not eating is like not breathing. to read and understand that concept makes eating disorders seem so ludracris; which is probably why so many people misunderstand it.

but somehow it all makes sense to me. thats whats scary.

 

the irony of combatting eating disorders and obesity at the same time is sickening.

 

HA no kidding. but obesity in most cases is an eating disorder too.

people who eat to much have the same mental thinking as a person that wont eat enough; they just deal with it differently. thats because its not really about food, its about comforting and medicating yourself. an obese person may self-medicate with food, while someone underweight is comforted by feeling the lightness and knowledge that you dont 'NEED' to eat.

but yea, definitly ironic.

 

to be fair, the obese disgust me. dunno. i guess i have equally bad flaws.

 

Yes, I think you're right...

That's why when I try to explain it to people that don't understand I compare it to smoking, [if they smoke].... you know it's bad for you, but it's something that has a grip on you to the point where it's almost scary to be any other way.

It's the same as any addiction, and...not, at the same time, really.

But, yeah, I really like how you worded that. And that's where the control issue comes in I think.... if you have that much power, to do or not do something so vital to your life, it can corrupt you.

Even though I've had enough experience first hand with eating disorders, I will even admit the whole concept, and disorder itself is odd, and complicated.

 

this pretty much sums up where i`m at as well....more or less ok as long as i`ve got fairly concrete proof that i`m not getting fat (in my case, what the scale says and how my clothes fit...i know better than to trust the mirror) interestingly enough, when i first began eating normally, i gained weight...but i`ve since lost a fair amount of it eating normally.
i used to dance & do gymnastics as well...dancing didn`t mess with my head nearly as much as gymnastics did actually. perhaps it was because i didn`t start gymnastics until i was older, but i actually ended up quitting gymnastics because i felt i was far too fat for it. i was cursed with a body that took on its adult shape and build early- when most girls my age were still curve- less little toothpicks (7th/8th grade), i had already reached my final adult height and weight. i`m the same size/weight/build now that i was in 8th grade. it`s something i`m quite happy about now, but it was hell when i was bigger than average. do any of yall`s family members struggle with eating disorders by any chance? i`m generation 3 of disordered eating, and know i`m far from alone in this.... and what do you think parents can do to prevent their children from ending up eating disordered?

 

i have a myspace account and came across something very disturbing. there are these accounts all about 'tips and tricks' and 'thinspirations' (apparently to 'inspire' girls to starve themselves with pictures of emanciated people).

it makes me so sick. its like they are PROMOTING it. disgusting.

 

These types of things seem all very related... I think self-mutilation also stems from the same general *motivation*.. The explanations seem similiar from people who've done it.
You're in pain in some way out of your control, but if you hurt yourself, it's at least something that you CAN control. Starving yourself, cutting yourself....they're all detrimental things.
With boys, they're more likely to be aggressive to others so instead of these things it's more often getting in trouble, drinking too much etc.. and fighting in general. Creating a situation where pain will occur, but at least they're the instigator and they can get a cathartic sense of relief because they're in control for once. Same as someone who binges then purges does.
Many similiarities it seems!
Sure seems like a bit of a sick society when this is all occuring pretty commonly.