Eating Disorder

coketree, why do u get up at 5am? & do you need to work at weekends?
In my view, most people dont realise the importance of sleep; without sleep life just gets so difficult, & lack of sleep will make your bingeing much worse.

 

I have a confession to make.
Last week I ate a ton of ice cream [vegan] and became so disgusted with myself, that I purged. I purged until I was gasping for breath and couldn't anymore.
For days afterwards my throat was killing me and I felt sick.

And even though I was disgusted by what it did to me, I still find myself tempted to do it now everytime I eat.

It's like, I gave in that one time, to my eating disorder, and now it's become habitual thinking for me.

Just that one thing....set off a ton of different things.

I hate it.

I'm trying so hard to recover.
And the harder I try, the worse I get.

Ugh.

 

I had my first meeting with a therapist today. That was as depressing as hell. She took a family history and did a bunch of tests on me. We didn't really talk about the problem I have but she said that was normal, she wanted to get the result of my blood (and a bunch of other) tests first.

 

it is depressing at first, but it gets better, usually.

i hope this therapist is a match for you, because when they aren't it can be quite dramatic.

if it doesnt work with this one, don't stop trying there... keep looking. everyone fits with different types of therapists, you just have to find the right one.

good luck.


in other news.... I'm upset.
I gave my friend a pair of pants I owned a while back, a size 0. I figured I would never fit in them again. Well now she doesnt because shes been building lots of muscle and shes pretty buff now. I tried them on just to see yesterday, and they fit... and I was shocked. And even though they fit I still didnt believe they did. I cant get myself to believe that I'm thin enough for them.
And while I was looking at myself in the pants, I honestly saw someone literally OBESE in the mirror, and even just when I looked down at my legs, they looked enormous...like the size of someones waist.

I know my mind is playing tricks on me because the pants are tiny, and theres no way I could fit in them if I was, what I see.... but I cant stop believing what I see.

Its driving me bonkers.

I've always seen myself distorted, and larger than I am...but never like this. I honestly saw obesity. And thats not even an exaggeration. It scared me half to death...

;lakdsjf;lskjdf;lkajdfj

Like, when I looked at myself I honestly looked like 300 pounds.

what the heck is going on?!!?!?!??!!?

 

maybe, you looked for some fat, any at all, & if you found some you felt that that made you obese. Although everyone has to have some fat, if theyre healthy. I guess this body-image distortion is just something that comes with anorexia. Makes life difficult though

 

i feel like that all the time too, about feeling obese. i went shopping for a homecoming dress last night and i was SO HAPPY to find that i had to get a dress literlaly 4 SIZES smaller that ive EVER worn before. but i got home, tried on the dress, and thoguht i looked like a cow. literally. i felt so huge and called my date to tell him i couldnt go. luckily he didnt answer because now i see how STUPID that really is. but at the time, i really thought there was no point in me going if iwas going to look like that.

tonight, i went to my HS football game and was a superfan (wear sportsbra) and i was terrified. i almost didnt even feel like i could breathe. instead of it being a fun night of watching the game, i spent the entire time trying not to breathe too deep so my stomach wouldnt expand. i spent the whole time making sure i had the best posture so i would look my tallest and leanest.

HELL.

im so hungry. i started smoking today. not addicted, and i hope i dont start doing it regularly. i think smoking is disgusting but im allured by the decresed appitite aspect.

 

It's all about the deformed body image I guess. People tell me I'm thin, yet I feel like I'm incredibly overweight. Last time I started whining about how disgusting my body was, my mother handed me to read about the symptoms of anorexia and told me, "See, this is what you've got!"
It's been 3 or 4 days, I've only stuffed myself with vitamin pills and drank fruit juice and plenty of water. I just couldn't bring myself to actually eat some real food.

 

ive been on a hardcore binge the last two days. ive honestly never felt like such SHIT. i come to honestly realize that i only think im as good as how empty i am. when im full, i mind as well be dead because i remove myself from everything. i puked on the side of an ice cream store last night. i HATE THIS. i feel like people can actually see all that ive ate and that all they are thining is how disgusting i am.

 

I've been eating next to nothing.
Lost 7 pounds in a matter of a few days.
My roomie's mom comes over and says, "Oh hun, you look so much better...healthier. Not so grossly skinny any more"

WTF?
I wanted to die. I lost weight, I didn't GAIN weight. I almost puked.

However the next day I went to my hunny's parents' house and his friend decided to tell me that I was too skinny and should gain 10 pounds.

I suppose now...things that should be a compliment are insults, and things that are NOT compliments, are.

How ironic.

 

I'm reading a book right now, "Dying to be Thin" about eating disorders...
It's really good, and it can put a lot of what I feel into words for me, which is nice. Some things that I have read so far, hit me like, "Whoa... I feel that...and I never knew it"

If any of you are interested in reading it,and promise to get it back to me, you can borrow it to read, and I'll mail it to you--when I'm finished with it of course.

It's supposed to help you "overcome" an eating disorder, too, but I havent gotten that far, and...honestly it's just nice hearing how I feel put into words for once. It's very comforting.

 

So it's worth reading then?

 

For sure... I mean, I dont know how it actually helps in overcoming the disorder, and I am only about a quarter of the way through the book, but it's well written and extremely relatable. Well worded... very touching... good read.

 

yea i have always liked reading about eating disorders. its weird to read stuff "about me" that i dont even realize.

 

My girlfriend has been classed as somewhere between Anorexic and Bulemic. Anyone got any advice on how I could help her?

 

Gingulous: Be a good boyfriend and be there for her that all you can do. Just be her boyfriend and listen when she needs or wants to talk.

Hi everyone, Ive been reading this thread the whole time its been going on but am just now posting... Im 22 I no longer have full blown anoerexia but there alll still traces in my daily living and thought process that will probably always be there, but I have accepted that.

My eating disorder started in the 5 grade, Like I said I dont know if it ever completly ends, I was hospitalized for it numerous times in my junior and senior year or highschool. and finally started getting a little better in the past few years. Im finally at a normal weight and am still thin but not horribly thin.

Just wanted to share wtih you all and thought we could make a support network!

And Apples and ORanges I see you live in wisconsin. I do too!

-Kat

 

thanks for sharing hipkat---
Although I believe it's possible to fully recover, I feel it's like alcoholism-- if you take one step in the wrong direction, it can send you in the same vicious cycle all over again.

As someone who has attempted to recover plenty of times, I can say it is much easier to physically get better before mentally...physically has it's major difficulties as well, of course, but even when I was on track and eating right, those nagging thoughts were still there day in and day out and I had to fight them off everyday.

My counselor retired before treatment was really over, and I don't think the mental aspect was tackled the way it could have been because of that.

Now I'm in the same place I was when it all started.

But since reading this book, I've been working independently on getting in touch with my emotions and "reasons" to why I deal with this. Some of the things I've read so far, made so much sense to my life, and I had never given it a second look before...

For example, one of the girls in here says that she associated every accomplishment or failure to her weight. If she didn't make a team, it was because she was fat...if she did, it must have been because she looked better now. I did this all the time growing up...and I probably still do.

Like, when I tried out for the school dance team at the end of 6th grade... I didn't make it, and I was devestated. I blamed it all on the fact that I was fat and had glasses and just wasn't "dance team material" because of the way I looked. But when I look back, the truth is, I really didn't practice all that much before tryouts. Still, I subconciously associated everything with my weight.

Growing up, for the first 10-11 years of my life, I had everything... great family, good grades, lots of dreams, lots of nice things, and all teachers and parents always praised me for being such a good kid... so smart, creative, and selfless. But when I got into junior high, the one thing I noticed that I DIDNT have was looks. Boys didn't want the fat girl, and the popular girls made fun of me and wouldn't be caught dead talking to me unless they WERE making fun of me. I had a couple friends, but didn't seem to fit in anywhere...at all.

I got called fat a lot, and even family members made comments about my weight...like my grandma on my moms side, my grandpa on my dads, my brother, cousins...

It instantly engraved in my head that I wasnt likeable or sucessful because I was fat. And from that day forth, that's all I could concentrate on.

And when my godmother arrived one day for my birthday, after the first 10 pounds I dropped, and commented on how nice I looked...how I shot up, and shed weight... there was nothing more gratifying.

Even my best friend started saying "Wow, I can see your cheekbones, they aren't pudgy baby cheeks anymore!"

It hurt and complimented me all at once.

Now...
I have this intense fear of ever being without my eating disorder, because as this girl said in the book... I AM just the FAT girl inside...the fat girl who has to work a hundred times harder for things, because no one would want to be around a fat girl if I didn't.

And now, I have people around me that "truly" care about me, and tell me that they would love me just as much if I was fat...and I can never believe it... because my whole life I was taught that being fat was unacceptable. I constantly have people telling me to just love the body I'm in...as if it's that easy. When you've grown up with the belief that being fat is WRONG, and that if you get fat you need to change it... it's very difficult to love yourself if you do gain some weight.

I am, and have been diagnosed with anorexia, but the truth is...inside my true problem is compulsive overeating.
I hate to say it, because I'm horribly ashamed of it... but I know if I let myself have just one taste of this or that, I won't stop. I was always like this, and anytime I've attempted to recovery, I end up eating far too much.
And that's why I'm the fat girl inside... the girl who loves food.

Both feel terrible...recovery, and an ED...because both are equally as out of control. I can't seem to grasp the idea of TRUE control over food... I either eat far too much, or far too little, no in between, and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a hold on it.

My entire life has been centered around food. And it's tiring.

Lately, I've been having dreams every night of terrible binges in which I eat a whole pan of cake and then move on to the next item, and eat all that too. I know it's because my body is starving, but I fear that that dream will come true if I stop starving...and I know how miserable I will feel if it does.

And that's the plain and simple truth of which I've been hiding for years...

 

I'd try and do that anyway, but I guess to get over anything people have to do it themselves.

 

You can't *help* her, but you can be aware of things, and you can save her from really hurting herself.

Of course, yes, listen to her and be there for her, that's a given, and I'm sure you would do that anyhow.
But, you also need to be aware of any physical symptoms she complains of in case her life is in danger.

Any shortness of breath should be treated right away as it could be related to cardiac arthymia. If she complains of blurry vision, that's another warning to advise her to go to the doctor.

There are many other different symptoms you could look for and you can find information about those things here: www.something-fishy.org [i love that site, best eating disorder site on the www]

If she isn't already seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor or nutritionist and you think she might be in danger, try calmly talking to her about it. Maybe say something like, "Do you think you'd ever get help for it or is that out of the question?" and see what she says.

If she seems confused or upset by the question, as if she wants to, but is too afraid, then you can do a lot for that sort of thing....assure you will be there with her every step of the way, for anything she wants. Knowing that she has support will help for her to be less afraid.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're a minor, or she's still living with her parents, I do think it would be important to tell her parents what's going on IF she refuses to get help.

This all may sound like a lot to handle because it might be a risk of her getting angry at you or something like that, but the truth is...would you rather have her angry at you, or would you rather see her waste away til death?

Remember to care less about you, or your relationship with her, and more about her life, while approaching this situation.

 

Things have been really bad, and my counselor is requiring me to go to a consultation with an eating disorder specialist. I can literally feel the fear and anxiety swallowing me whole over this.

I'm feeling like... this is the one thing that has remained mostly consistent throughout growing up, and hasn't left me...so I'm afraid to let go. My family is gone, I'm out on my own, my dog is gone, everything is different and upsetting... but this has always been around, and I'm fighting to keep it, because I can't lose the one last thing that is normal to me. Does that even make any sense?

But at the very same time, I want to see what they could do for me. Because everything is falling apart. It's ruining my relationship, not to the point where I would lose my man, he loves me more than that... but to the point where he gets upset about it, and I get upset and we just get these awkward moments.... where I don't even know what to say or do, because all he can focus on is my eating disorder, and I'm sick of that being the focus. I want him to remember who he fell in love with.

I cant talk with much of anyone lately because I'm so drowned in all these ridiculous thoughts and I've become extremely tired, and closed off to most of the world.

But still.... I shiver at the thought of losing it. Or rather, fighting it away. I shiver at the thought of having to meet myself all over again.

 

I'm so sorry about what happening with you. What you said does make sense. With so much change in your life it can be enticing to have a constant in your life, even if you it's bad for you.