Eating Disorder

No, it doesn't bother me. I'm interested in other people's accounts.

For me, I noticed something was wrong when I would walk up stairs. It seemed very easy, like I was feather-light. I didn't notice the weight loss until I paid attention to myself in the mirror and finally stepped on a scale.

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I love this thread because it perfectly displays the uniqueness in each person that is affected by the disorder.

Too many times people look to text book defintions and an ultimate general explanation, however with this disorder, that is never the case. Each individual experiences it very differently.

Shaggie, you might not have "mentally" been affected by the disorder, and the fact that you took a healthy approach to gain some weight back is a good thing.
Clinically though, you probably would have been diagnosed with anorexia simply because of your physical condition.

Many people lose appetite and what not when they go through traumatizing situations and it's actually quite common, but not considered an eating disorder. Physically maybe, but not mentally.

Mentally an eating disorder is more of a concious effort to avoid food to make you feel better in some way shape or form. If you simply had no appetite and did not think of food because of your depressive state of mind, you most likely did not hold an ED characteristic type of mentality. But it is possible.

I don't love my eating disorder in any way shape or form, but I completely understand the struggle between loving and hating it because it was like that for me in the past.
The more times I relapse into this, the more my hate for it grows.

Nothing about it makes me feel good anymore, and yet I have trouble recovering, because it's the only way I know.

I feel terrible when I'm eating healthy, but I feel equally as terrible when I'm starving myself. I can't win.

 

i loooove reading these posts. they kind of distract me from life and i appriciate that. these past couple days ive been taking a lot of laxatives and my stomach is HURTING. i realize how stupid it is now talking about it, but i take them wehnever im overwelmingly hungry. like last night, i was so hungry and i decided id take one of those pills. or three. and its been like that for a while now.

i think my mental state of mind of finally starting to show its ugly head in my relationships. i just went throguh another break up last night. i broke up with him because he knew something wasnt right with my eating habits (i cant eat in front of him) and i HATED him for that. he made rude remarks to me about food/eating/body appearances. i absolutly couldnt stand it. ive never felt myself have so much anger inside so quickly. so yea, that had to end. looking back on it now with a more cleaar head, i can see that he was never a good match for me, but all i could see was that i knew i had some type of food issue because thats all that could offend me or make me feel distraught enough to actually pay mind to it.

anyways, apples, i agree that saying "i feel fat" is a masking fo other feelings, such as "i feel lonely" or "i feel afraid" that is so sneaky that even the person thinking it doesnt know. that being said, when i say, or think, "i feel fat", i am truly feeling overweight. i truly feel like i cant move because im covered in calories and fat and lard. its ironic though, because a couple housr of not eating will give me the sensation i crave and then i can say, "i feel light and beautiful." its amazing how much my personality changes just with how full my stomach is. when i havnt eaten, i feel on top of the world. im outgoing, happy, smiling, talkative, and i love me. but when im full, i become closed off, opt for big sweatshirts and clothes to cover myself, antisocial, and often will cancel my plans so i dont have to disgrace or embarrass anyone with my presence.

im sure that multipersonality is somewhat commenly linked to ED's, but i wonder if i carry any of those traits or if its just the feelings of the ED that make me feel so different.

 

hi all hope you are all trying to get well.
just found this bit .
so dietcoke is that what its all about?
not eating in front of your mum.
are you trying to wrstle some control from her.
if so this is not the right way from my experience.
we when we are ill are not in control,we may think we are but thats just the mind set of anorexic.
there are other ways of gaining destiny control other then starving yourselves.
please try and eat healthy amounts and give up the roller coaster ride its time to get off and get well.
good luck everyone.

 

dietcoketree, you REALLY shouldn't use laxatives. i know this is a horrible suggestion to give an anorexic person, but i'm being realistic... at least switch to diet pills, preferably hoodia (since it's way better for your body than stackers or zantrex). of course, you SHOULD just eat, but i know it's hard and you'd rather just pop some pill that will make you feel better. but laxatives will fuck you up for a LONG time, and they don't even help you lose weight. at all.

i don't know how often you're eating, or what, and i know i've already said this. but eat *something* every three hours, even if it's tiny. it will keep your metabolism working so if you do binge some time, which you're allowed to do, you won't see any difference, and won't fall as hard into the cycle of binge/starve.

i know exactly how you feel, with "feeling fat" and "feeling light". if i binge, i go put on a giant t-shirt and sit alone by myself and can't think about anything but how fat i am. i sort through my clothes and make a pile of cute little shirts that i will never be able to wear. if i don't eat, or barely eat, i put on a tank top and go out and talk and run around and have fun. i'm not really sure if it's all mental, all physical, or a little of both. if i've eaten, and i feel fat, but i'm going out, i put on a big shirt or sweatshirt. then i feel like i'm fooling everyone, because my arms and shoulders are skinny, so they all think i'm skinny, but i'm hiding this giant secret fatso belly. haha... it's so silly when i write it out, and i know it's stupid, but until i write it down i don't even realize it happening. it's all subconscious, and i don't think it in words... it's just thoughts.

it's 2:30 and i've eaten two triscuits and three or four mini peppermint patties, and i feel good about myself.

something funny is... the more "in" the disorder i am, the more clearly i can see it. like, if i am "being" anorexic, by not eating, i can see that i AM quite obviously anorexic, because i'm fucking tiny and i can see my bones. but then, if i'm eating normally, the mental side of the disorder is more apparent. i don't *look* anorexic, in my eyes, but i definately feel it. counting calories over and over. physically feeling like i'm covered in fat. that terrible feeling between my heart and my stomach that something really bad is happening.

i'm sorry if some of the things i've said seem to be encouraging the disorder... i just know, as you all do, how hard it is to beat. the truth is, we're probably not going to overcome it anytime soon. so i'd at least like us to be as healthy as possible about it. if you eat, eat healthy things from as many food groups as possible, eat them at regular times, and eat them in balanced portions. if you exercise, drink lots of water, switch up what you do so you don't overwork certain areas, and take breaks every 15 minutes or so. if you are taking any kind of pill, juice, anything that is meant to suppress appetite or help you lose weight, research it. find out what's in it, if it's dangerous, what it does to your body, and if possible, use only natural things that have been used for thousands of years and not something you saw on tv. please, if you can, take multivitamins and calcium, because your skin and bones and hair are in danger and they're important. we're working towards getting better, but it's going to take baby steps.

i love you guys <3

 

i agree prismatism. ive often thoguht that; "if im going to be messed up i mind as well be somewhat healthy about it", as contradicting as that is. i just never can say it because it sounds so stupid out loud. i understand your advice and want to follow it; and will give the laxative thing a shot with trying to not take them. but im sure that the second before i go to bed tongiht, i wont even think twice as i reach for the bottle and swallow. :/

i love you all too.

 

The thing about laxatives, is although we are convinced that they "work" they really don't. It doesn't help to digest anything more than it already would, rather it just pushes it through quicker, which gives you the feeling of weightlessness, but in reality it wouldn't be any different if you used the bathroom on your normal schedule. They also begin to tear at the linings of your intestines and what not, and can produce bleeding, and ulcers in the stomach. I was a laxative abuser for a very long time, and I am still struggling with the consequences.

At age 20 I already have hemroids. I can't digest things properly, or absorb vitamins properly. I often become constipated now since I've stopped taking them, and then I have bouts of diareah. I still bleed at times. I developed IBS due to this as well.

However, suggesting ANY kind of diet pills is not helpful either. Many diet pills are not tested enough before they are put on shelves and later after many people develop issues, is when they realize "oh this pill leads to heart disease" etc.

With an eating disorder you are already putting your heart, and other parts of your body at serious risks, so to take other substances on top of it will only speed up the process.

I know to someone with an ED this doesn't matter..... this isn't something you can just get over, or begin to believe, and health doesn't seem to matter when you are affected by the disorder.

I still find myself tempted to buy diet pills and laxatives and the like, but I've been really good at staying away.... My fiancee really helps keep me in line in that aspect.

Laxatives can also lead to a more serious vitamin defiecency and electrolyte imbalances which can cause a coma.

Laxatives are physically addicting, and once you stop, you may experience problems with your bowels shutting down, therefore having to have them removed.

More frequently, people will begin to actually lose CONTROL of their bowels, and end up actually shitting themselves and the like.

Grossly enough, I have had an issue with this, which has now recently subsided... and let me tell you, it was NOT a fun thing to go through... not only was it embarassing, but it was scary, and gross, and made me afraid to go out in public often.

Do whatever you can to pump yourself up to get OFF the pills.

What you are doing to yourself is dangerous enough. You don't need another number of problems to add to it.





And yes, prismatism, vitamins are a good idea, though, if you end up struggling with this disorder, in the long run the vitamins aren't going to matter. For the time being they can slow down the process of vitamin defiecincies and the problems related to that, but it will catch up to you if nothing gets done about your disorder.

<3

 

here is an article from a uk paper with one persons struggle.
i posted it for you who may think youre alone or cannot beat it.
you can , i did she did.
there are some real poignant moments in there for me as they reflect so many things i went through,but we both made it and so can you.
good health.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/sexandhealt...=i-survived-on-an-apple-a-week-name_page.html

 

I enjoyed the article, however, her responses of "don't do it" are simple minded... someone who went through that much should understand that it's not just that easy.

I wish I could just "not do it"
It takes much more than that.

I'm still eating fairly well, but the constant obsession consumes me day in and day out, and I feel terrible about myself after eating. I still step on the scale a lot, and I gained 5 pounds since last month, and it hasn't changed, dropped or gained, but it bothers me everytime I see it.

I'm trying to embrace myself and be happy with myself, and accept things for the way they are, along with letting go of my control issues, but it's not as easy as it sounds. The more I try to accept not always being in control, the more out of control I FEEL.

It bothers me endlessly when I get hungry...there used to be a time that I got hungry very rarely, and I thrived off that...

Recovery is much harder than the disorder itself, whether its for the better or not.

 

I kind of got a sick pleasure out of reading that. Surviving off of one apple for a period of three weeks? I don't think I can even comprehend starving for THAT long! Part of me wants to say thats awesome, and then the other part thinks that is sad and very extreme. I know that sounds bad, but I'm being honest. I also did not like how she said "just dont do it." If only it were that easy. If only I didnt feel so compelled and posessed-like to do the things I do, then I could just "not do it."

Yesterday I ate a lot. But I tried to keep focused on other things and plans so I wouldnt be in a bad mood the whole day. And I was able to not let it bring me down. I was very happy with myself.

But then i got home today and puked up the pasta I tried to keep down. I hate this vicious cycle. :/

 

How are you managing to eat? Since I've been working with a nutritionist, food has started to become more of an issue for me. I've started to hate sitting down and eating in front of people. I know it's silly but I'm sure they're watching disaprovingly.

 

I don't work with a nutritionist anymore, so maybe that helps... I too had more of an issue when seeing one--- it was weird because, I learned a lot, and it helped me to absorb the information I need to know to get back on track, but constantly talking of food and eating healthy with her, almost made me want to "rebel"

I can't explain.

I really don't know how I'm managing, because I still obsess over it all the time---but I work out a lot, so it makes me feel better about it--- also, I'm on antidepressents again, Paxil, which are known to increase the appetite of eating disordered patients.

I have my good days and bad days though...and my good weeks and bad weeks. Overall I'm eating much better than before, but there are still plenty of days where I just get so disgusted with myself, and all I will eat is a banana or something.

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't see the nutritionist anymore than you have to, to understand what you have to do to get better--- because constantly rehashing it, I think can make it worse.

I started eating better when I became pregnant, because I felt REALLY weird when I didn't eat--- like, something I've never experienced... I would be totally disoriented if I skipped a day of eating when I was pregnant.

Then, eating a little better just kind of became habit, and I guess thats whats really bothering me right now...I want to break the habit, even though I know I shouldnt.

 

I'd certainly agree with that. When I started my diet I trained myself to ignore food and before long, I wasn't thinking about food. If I thought about having something to eat I'd have a drink of water or a diet coke. Drinking became second nature pretty quickly.

Since I started going to see the nutritionist, however, it's starting to get so food, exercise and however to avoid callories is what I think about whenever I'm not busy. I look at the diet and it depresses me. I'd been hovering at about 119lbs for 5 weeks before I sent to see her, but since I've actually lost 7lbs. I know I should eat but theres something about overcoming thoughts of food.

 

My story isn't very inspiring. I had anorexia when I was in 6th grade. My parents had just split up, and my mom and I had been practically kicked out of the house. I had just gotten into middle school, so I had new surroundings to contend with, plus I had a teacher (for two classes, Math and History half the year, then Math and Science the other half) who couldn't care less about teaching and tried to fuck students over every chance he got. It takes a real special kinda guy to fuck over a 12 year old, wouldn't you say?
Long story short, I became depressed, didn't give a shit about school, stopped eating and dropped down to about 92 lbs at my lowest weight. My mother was frantic. She thought I was going to die. She made it worse by putting HUGE plates of food in front of me and WATCHING me eat like a hawk. Sometimes I would be doing okay, but when I started to slow down, she'd start yelling at me. Not very helpful at all. I found the best way to get food in me was when I was watching TV or doing homework. That way I wasn't focusing on it so much, and I could ignore my obnoxious mother. Though, I know she was just worried about me, she could have been a little less counterproductive. She knew what she was doing to me, but she didn't know what else to do, so instead of letting me work it out, she did what she did just so she could say she was doing something.
I really don't know what happened. It's like I just kind of snapped out of it one day. By the time I got into 7th grade, I was normal weight again.
I'm kind of chubby now, because I really love eating now. Technically, I'm not overweight, but there are some days when I feel like a cow. I don't know if that's a hold over from my anorexic phase or just programming from the media telling me I'm not Twiggy, but meh. For the most part, I'm happy with my body, and so is my man.

 

How often do you see your nutritionist?

If it's on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, I would maybe talk to him/her about seeing if they felt you were ready to come less often.

I wouldn't NOT see them period, because I do think it's helpful, but seeing them often might be a problem.

The problem with nutritionists as well, is although they may be educated in eating disorders, it's not their specialty to connect underlying emotions/thoughts with the behavior itself, their priority is to get your eating under control--- but this doesn't work if you can't figure out why you can't get yourself to eat more.

If you're not seeing a therapist as well, you should think about it. I feel that a nutritionist isn't very helpful without therapy. Therapy can be helpful withOUT a nutritionist, but not the other way around in my opinion.

You could probably even ask your nutritionist if they know of any good counselors that might be able to help you as well.

Most nutritionists, especially those who are familiar with eating disorders, work with plenty of therapists on patients. Two of my counselors referred their patients to the nutritionist I saw.

 

the point of me posting that article as to inspire you all not to go all the way to mortality like we almost did.
i know how hard it is but the secret, if thatsthe right word is to keep eating, the guilt and obsessive ness will subside i promise you.
we both did it you can too.
please turn your lives around.

 

im starting to rely heavily on my routine of eating in the morning when i wake up, and then thats it. i dont eat alot, but its almost like a small binge i can look forward to and then the entire day, i know that i already ate a lot so im done. im kind of getting nervous because when school starts i will loose my whole routine. i hope that i will quickly find a routine that i will be comfertable with.

anyways, i hope you are all doing "well", however you define that.

 

I see her every couple of weeks. She has indicted that I would be described as having "Restricting Type Anorexia" now. She wants me to see a therapist and has given me the name of three therapists. I feel a little embarassed though, given that Anorexia is a "teenage girl" thing.

 

Ah-hah---
but you do not have to tell anyone around you that you are seeking therapy for an eating disorder, you don't have to tell them about either things, period.

I know it's difficult to believe when it happens to YOU, but a therapist will NOT judge you or be surprised that you are a male with an eating disorder.

There are MANY males with eating disorders, but they feel like you do and are embarassed so the number of reported cases is small because of this. I dated many men that were restrictive eaters and had distorted self body images. It's not as uncommon as people think, just more cases go unreported.

Would you rather be embarassed or would you rather develop heart disease in the long run?

You know... thats kind of where you have to ask yourself what's more important...

I was very embarassed about my panic attacks when I developed them, but after a while it came to the point where it was like "Do I want to get better, or do I want to suffer because I'm embarassed to tell anyone?"

I really, REALLY strongly urge you to see a therapist.

But, that's just my opinion

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and love.

 

Thanks for the advice. People say I'm waisting away before their eyes, so intelectually I know there's a problem, it's just having the guts to act that's hard. I've been a little overweight all my life (till recently) so doing something that you've always been told to avoid (and finally conquered) feels wrong.