Do you have an eating disorder

i was bulemic.
now everytime i eat i literally feel horrible about it.
i'm always looking in the mirror critiquing my body.
i like food yet i see it as a nuisance.
half the time when i do eat, it ends up hurting my stomach.
i end up eating once a day(b.c i work nights and sleep most the day) and when i do eat, i eat very little and if i eat more than just that little, i feel that im going to gain more weight.
in 4 days i lost 5 pounds. thats almost a pound a day. in two weeks i went from 150 to 137, mainly b/c im working alot of hours and not eating enough.
i dunno food is a big issue with me that and i have very low metabolism.
my father and step mother are obese(and most my dads side is rather large) same for my moms family, they are all large people.
i guess i just dont want to get as large as any of them. and they all started out very small framed.....then when they hit a certain age...they just got big.

 

Well I've got a story similar to many of you, so I'll refrain from telling it..
I'm still weaving in and out of Bulimia. Not fun.

 

I was anorexic at university, and then it developed into bulimia. At the time (30 years ago) bulimia was not nearly so well understood by the medical profession, and when I sought help early on I was told to go away, take strong anti-depressants and stop being stupid. I suffered with bulimia for the next 25 years, at its worst bingeing and purging up to three times a day. Latterly I had treatment from two different psychiatrists, both of whom focused on food and body image as the problem. In the end I learnt to respect and value myself as a person, and by turning outwards to the world I lost the need to damage myself like this. Bulimia is not about food or body image, it's about self esteem, control and guilt. It's a nasty disease because sufferers are always secretive and riddled with guilt, and find it very hard to ask for proper help for a behaviour which on the face of it is nonsensical. It is an invisible disorder because most sufferers have a "normal" body weight, unlike in anorexia where it is obvious that something is wrong.
The issues are much better understood by health professionals these days, so if you are suffering and you can bring yourself to admit it to your doctor you will probably get help. You may still have to fight to get the right help, but it is out there and available if you look.
Believe that you are unique, special and loveable, and that what you do is valuable and worthwhile. Go out and love life. This is the key I found to wellness.
My love to all those who are suffering.

 

i had a pretty severe case of anorexia when from about the ages of 12-15. i was average weight to begin with, but in a couple months dropped from 120 to 90lbs. there were a lot of factors involved, most prominent were the facts that i was getting used to highschool, losing friends, coming out of the closet, struggling with self identity etc. i still struggle with disordered eating habits but i keep it under control by eating lots of healthy food. sometimes i still get into the binge/purge cycles, mostly because i'm a heavy pot smoker. never made myself throw up before, but after a night of severe munchies i'll usually go a few days on just vegetables, green tea and water. i think i've programmed myself to like/be obsessed with foods that are known to be negative calorie meals, or are said to speed up metabolism. i force myself to eat regularly and have my good days where i even like the way i look while eating what i want. i still struggle with feeling guilty about what i eat and how much though, so i know i'm not completely over it and may never be. i look in the mirror every day and almost always call myself fat. i hate it because the person i see in the mirror is different from the one i see in videos and pictures. a was watching a tape of myself dancing from a couple years ago (before i started to embrace the natural femininity bellydance promotes) and i openly cried. i looked sick and pale and although i was smiling i remembered i hadn't eaten anything that day and was dreading what would be in the fridge when i got home. i wish i could stop telling myself i'm fat but even if the scale stays exactly the same my self satisfaction depends directly on how much and what i've eaten lately.

 

When I was a kid and things felt out of control I started obsessing about food and exercise and my weight. It started out as a way to control the one thing that I had control over. Then it evolved into this self-loathing, self-punishment thing. I was gaining weight, of course, because of puberty. I was getting curves. I decided that if I reached a certain weight, I'd have to kill myself.


Well, this went on for a long time. It was a living hell. Nobody knew. When I was about 17 I decided that I had to stop it. I decided that I would rather be alive and 'fat' than live like this anymore. I decided to try to just eat what I wanted when I was hungry.

The odd thing was that when I decided "Fuck it, I don't care anymore." I lost a little weight without trying. Eventually, since I had kids, I've gained some. Even many years later I still feel like I can't allow myself to diet, though. Because as soon as I tell myself that I can't eat a particular thing, or that I must eat less, then that's all that I can think about. Also, I don't want my daughters to see me acting like that. I don't want them to do that. My 8-year-old is already convinced that she's fat, and way back when she was like six I had the pediatrician have a talk with her and tell her that she's not!

Life is too short to live like that. I'd rather be a little heavy and happy than obsessed and miserable. This isn't your fault, though. And you're obviously not alone. Get some help. Love yourself the way you are.

 

I think that everyone has some sort of eating disorder....well i dont know if i should say that...But I mean even if your not conciously doing it...it might still be happening...I know that was the case for me. I didnt really even realize that I was anorexic...I would just pass up meals, basically not eat because I felt guilty doing it. I mean i was never like "I am anorexic so I am not going to eat" It was more of If i eat think of all the calories that I will get and all the fat and blah blah blah and i dont know the thought of fatty greasy food just freaked me out for a while. But dont worry Im back to my normal eating habits and pretty proud of it

 

I dont have an eating disorder... BUT I wish I did.. then I would have a flat stomach... haha, ok I know this is a serious topic...... so...

Who am I kidding..
ok I stick by what I said.

 

Hello.

I guess I have a weird way of seeing myself. I am chubby, not fat. But I could be 100 lbs, and still feel fat. I don't think there is a limit to how thin I *should* be. Thankfully I lack the self control (or un-control?) enough to starve myself. I have before, and I lost a lot of weight very fast. Wasn't really worth feeling like shit and passing out though. I try to eat really healthy, and I don't fight cravings cause I'm blessed with a low desire for sweets. When I want a Milky Way, I'll have that milky way damnit.

But then, I regret it usually.

I've made myself throw up before, but that was a few years ago. I try to eat very little, and I naturally do. The only times I really over eat is when I'm out somewhere, like a buffet.. and then that's sort of expected.. and very rare.. once every few months.

But god can I hate myself some.

I hate that I hate myself, I'm much better than I was at 15/16/17... not cured though.. no.. It's all in my head, isn't it always?

I have a partner. I could be with anyone if I would let myself. But I convince myself he wants me to change, and I'd be second choice for anyone else. No one makes me think this, I could have all the support in the world, I still feel it.

It must be related to my past somehow. I'm horrible at analyzing myself.

People tell me I'd make an excellant therapist, but I can't figure out my own reasons for what I do. I'd be a therapist with a therapist.. Which of course is fine.

Overall on a level of being better with 1 being anorexic/bulmic and 10 being confident and healthy.. I'm about a 7, who feels like a 2.

Oddly enough, I find chubby women very attractive and I don't judge the thin. I find all sorts of people attractive with my preference being a bit of meat on someone.

Yet for myself, I want to be so thin.

Why? Who knows.

 

I am a binge eater. I usually do ok during the day, but if I am at home I will binge. Or if I go out to eat. I'll eat til I'm so full I'll feel as though I'll have to be rolled out of the restaurant. But, I do not purge. I find it very hard to deal with throwing up. My face gets very red, my eyes get very red, I look sick when I do it. Its just gross.
I have been that way since I was in 3rd grade though. That's when my mom and sister and I moved from our house to a different town to live with my grandmother. And then my parents got a divorce. It was very hard on me. I didn't have any friends besides books, so I took comfort in food. When I had money I would ride my bike to Duckwalls and buy a big bag of milkduds or something and hide it beside my bed.
I gained a lot of weight and when we moved in with my mom's boyfriend in 6th grade it was even worse because I moved back to my old school and all these cliques had formed and there was no place for me among my old friends. Then I would get off the bus, walk up to the library, passing the grocery store on the way and buy 2 candybars and a pop. Then go home and have supper. My mom never bought snacky stuff or pop so that's what I did when I was alone. It was hard being a 160 lb 6th grader when all the other girls in your class probably don't hardly tip the scale at 90- 100 lbs. So of course being depressed and alone only made me want to do it more. Eventually I had more friends and by the time I left high school I stopped eating that way. But when I was a freshman in college I lived in the dorm and had no food (and no friends again- what a cycle). Somehow I always missed the time that the caf where my meal plan worked operated... so most of the days I didn't eat. Which I see now was totally my fault. But, I was also VERY depressed at that same time, which didn't help at all either. At that time I had some syncopal episodes but at that time I just chalked it up to low blood sugar or something. (I've since learned that I have a heart condition) By the time I failed school I moved back home and began being a binger again. But, for a while I lost about 20-25 lbs. but that was all cause I got stuck in a real loser crowd and did a lot of speed for a period of time (I'm sure that also didn't help that heart condition- or rather that probably caused it...) So when I stopped that stupidness I of course gained that weight back and then some. And it's been that way ever since... especially lately when I have been depressed again and I just want to eat and eat. So I eat and eat.

 

I have been diagnosed as bulimic anorexic... sometimes i suffer from both at the same time, and other times i just suffer from one of them. I havent accepted that there is a problem. I dont see anything wrong with the way i eat. I just like staying fit.

 

I had no idea that os many people had suffered from an eating disorder. I never had an eating disorde but when I had my hypomanic episode I had gone through this phase of losing 6 lbs a week. I was just not hungry. I hope all of you continue to stay healthy or get help if you aren't.

 

I used to be borderline anorexic. I never had enough control to lose enough weight for anyone to notice. I've always been petite so even at 90 lbs people didn't say "oh wow, she's too skinny". I loved starving myself. Sometimes I still do, but I get headaches. If it wasn't for that, I would probably get back into it.

 

I've had anorexia for a while now, currently at my lowest weight. It makes it hard to do anything because all I can think about is my weight and what I'm eating. The only time I'm even close to feeling good about myself is when I'm hungry.

 

I guess my story is different form yours. When I was a little girl. I was told I have very bad depression. And I was sad all the time was never happy with my body. Cause I am over weight. So there would be days when I would just cry and wish that people would stop being mean to be because I was a bigger girl. I was always told that I am very beautiful by everyone. and I have a great personality. but when I get said instead of not eating food, I would eat and eat and eat till I made myself throw up. I would go to theropy to talk with my counsler about it and she understood and helped me feel better about my self. I was told I have binge eating disorder when I was 9 or so.. was very young. I am 18 now and everything is a lot better I still eat and eat sometimes but for the most part i am alot better and done. but I feel that no matter what happens I will always have it and it will always be there.

 

I no how you feel.. I was 99lbs in the first or second grade. we had to make this chart it was like your hieght and weight and we had to put it on the board andI was the kid that weighted the most..