Buying the cow...

First of all if you were a strong woman to begin with you wouldn't need a book to tell you so, or how to be one. Second, how can a book teach you who you are and how to be true to yourself? Yes in relationships sometimes people do forget that they are individuals and get so tangle in one another that they need to take a step back, but I think most people come to that conclusion on their own.

And how is lying being true to yourself? If you want to call a guy up and ask him out on a freakin date, and that is the TRUTH, then for crying out loud you should do it. That is being true to yourself. Hinting around and pining over someone from afar wishing they would call you up is not being true. Tricking someone and lying to them is not being true to yourself or the other person. The rules tells you specifically, if you like a guy, "do not call him", it goes on further to say if you like a guy and he asks you out for the same week tell him you are busy even if you are not just so you appear to not be available so he will want you more. That is not truth. And that will not get you anywhere. It is not wonder that women who follow these "rules" find themselves alone reading relationship help books.

I think we are getting a little off topic here and I still have yet to hear a response to my new questions. I want to know what goes through a guy's head when he knows he is ready to marry a gal. Or what makes him want to marry her. Or whatever the hell else I wrote up there. LOL.

 

Five years with the same person and the inevitable ups and downs, sounds a lot like marriage. If she wants the piece of paper, she should ask him, go get a blood test and visit the justice of the peace.

If she wants the big party and the fancy dress (wearing white will cause sooo many tounges to wag), again she should ask him.

As a matter of fact, why is she asking us and not him?

If you've been getting free milk for five years, why ask the insurance companies to change your rates? (translation, if living in sin has worked for five years, why screw with a good thing?) I think that's his reasoning.

 

I think you are right. There IS that "he's just not that into you" thing, which is probably what this is. SHE thinks she can "keep him around" with sex, while he thinks "OOO, free sex. Cool." IF he loved her, and they are old enough, and they both beleived in marriage, it probably would happen.

One cannot make a guy love or marry them. He is probably just playing and she is getting the wrong idea. Her best bet is to move on. It's not that he's getting "the milk for free" but that he ONLY wants the milk........from her, anyway.

 

Mike has a GOOD point. Why is she asking strangers and not the man who is sharing her bed? I'm guessing there are a lot of issues in this relationship, the biggest of which.....he's not just that into her.

Deadbear, I agree with you about "self help" books, Most are a bunch of hooey. They either tell the reader NOTHING is their fault or EVERYTHING is, and often are written by people who have no business doing the things they claim they can do *cough*DrPhill*cough* *coughDrLaura*cough*

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Thanks everyone. This is really interesting. I don't know why she posted it on a forum, but that is exactly what I told her. I said that she should be talking to him because he is the only one who knows the real answer.

To clarify though, she insists they are not having sex or living together. See this is the part that is confusing me. Because yeah I guess if they were living together like a married couple, then what would be the point, unless marriage itself was important to one or both of them. But she says since she became a Christian and he re-dedicated himself to God, which was over 2 years ago, that they have not had sex. Like I said I don't know these two people and I'm really not all that interested in them personally, it is just that every where you read something about people not getting married the answer everyone always throws out there is why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I just think it is a stupid copout made up by a lot of prudish people who are against sex. I really do believe there has to be more to it in most situations. I don't believe that all men are like that I believe that they have real fears and emotions and it isn't always about sex. Maybe I'm crazy.

I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about their situation and first of all he said he doesn't care about stupid people on the internet, but then he said that it could be because the guy is afraid of not making a good husband, or that he wants to be able to provide for her (maybe he doesn't make a lot of money) or that he has commitment issues or maybe he really just doesn't like her and doesn't want to hurt her feelings or keeps her around because he doesn't want to be alone and he's waiting for someone new. But my boyfriend didn't say anything about sex. He didn't even think of it until I pointed it out. Then he said that it wasn't really likely unless the guy was poor and ugly and he couldn't get laid and he said in that case, the guy would be more likely to marry her because then he would always have ass.

I don't know. I just find the whole thing somewhat interesting. Figuring people out I mean. At least it is more so than television.

Thanks again for all of the great posts everyone. You all have some very good points and I'm grateful for your input. Have a great 4th everyone!

 

I thought that saying was part of puritan america from the 1950's.

I've never really thought of marriage as buying anything. I certainly don't view marriage as a way to get laid.

 

Maybe he just doesn't believe in marriage. He wouldn't be the only one... or he could already be married and she doesn't know about it.

5 years isn't really that long, especially if they started seeing one another while they were still at school or something.

 

I'm guessing he could also be gay. She would be the perfect cover because she doesn't even insist on having sex. He is scared to marry her because then she will expect him to fuck her again.

 

my mother always said "don't buy the car until you've given it a test drive and kicked the tires a bit." worked very well for me.

 

Still loving the answers!
Maybe he really isn't into marriage, in which case, they just need to talk to each other. I know he wouldn't be the first, I know many many people who don't want to be married and have been together for like 20 years with no papers or rings. But she needs to know that. It is a good idea to discuss those things up front in my opinion. And if it is that important to her, and he really loves her that much, he might just go ahead and marry her, even if he doesn't really care about it or it means "nothing" to him. But from the situation she describes, I don't think that is the case. I've been wrong once or twice before. There is a slight chance I'm wrong again. hehehe.

It is true, maybe he could most certainly be gay. I didn't tell her that, but maybe I'll mention it the next time I go on that forum.

As far as the test drive, I agree 100%.

Too funny guys!

 

i'm married, but i knew for 2 years i wasn't going anywhere. then he proposed. getting married was fun, but it hasn't really changed anything at all.

 

It really shouldn't CHANGE anything-it should just cement what's already there-love that's permanent. People that are looking for marriage to change something are in for a big disappointment.

 

no shit. but i don't think anyone can really call marriage a cementing of anything anymore.

 

That is true, marriage is pretty easy to get out of. LOL I know because I didn't it. Was easier to get divorced than it was to get married (good thing for me, not for the institution of marriage). But there are some people out there who feel like they just need it. It is unfortunate that it is forced upon us by society instead of many of us deciding for ourselves when and whom it is right to marry and under what circumstances.

Jer and I have also known a while neither of us are going anywhere, that is why I'm not really worried about the whole marriage thing. I mean before we have children sometime would be good, but it is far far more important to me to get our house. (we are trying to buy our first right now) and it will actually be easier for me to get financial aid when I go back to school (again for like the 4th time) if we aren't married. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to get married, I'm just not a big hurry and I don't think anything will happen to us if we don't.

Hope you all are having a happy 4th!