are all men this way?

am i the only one who finds the need for a therapist for this situation & not a bunch of forumers?

 

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone...

Bedlamite, you need to find a way to get over your pain so you don't cause your children any. As far as living near them, I can understand it could be hard to be so close but yet feel so far from your children, but you can't turn your back on them because things are hard for you right now. There are many astranged dads that would jump on the opportunity to be able to be that near to their children, and have open visitation - take advantage of this. My father lived an hour from me when my parents seperated, but I would have given anything to have him just downstairs.

 

Thats all fine and good, but when you say YOU would have given anything...

....Does that include the mental anguish your father would have suffered? I don't know the exact situation your famialy shared durring that time, but if it mirrors mine in the least then you NEED to understand things that maybe you are as yet unable to see:

- We each pay a price for our mistakes, however - that does not mean we also need to face that price every day. It would NOT be healthy.
I have returned from Florida, and by the generosity of my now ex wife (we never got married - granted, but I've said for 5 years now that in my heart and in the eyes of God we are) I am being allowed to stay and sleep on the couch til I have someplace to go of my own.
To further this she also said that while I am here I would NOT be forced to listen to them having sex in the adjoining bedroom. Found out last night though that that does NOT mean they would not be screwing about anyhow.
I am desperate to find a place of my own - this is far more punishment than I can handle for long or deserve. Living right down stairs would not be the change I need in this case - even if the boys would be happy with it. It would not be healthy for me, and that would not help with my relationship with the boys.

I hope that helps you understand the situation a bit better from another perspective (maybe even that of your fathers).

 

I find this thread absolutely perplexing
i am so very shocked by it i was almost speechless
in EVERY relationship passion fades after time. Maybe in one or two this is not the case, but the reality is that it is for 99.9% of people. And it is also true that we all mess up. But when you decide on a partner then u really should stick with them, and not just go off with some1 else because u get a initial hormonal inbalance (passion) for some other person that will also fade with time. I mean if there was a serious problem like beatings or even worse stuff then i could understand, but the chap is clearly sorry and without a doubt i think he should be given that second chance. It is crazy how people only think of themselves in this world "dont i have a right to be happy?" (which really means dont i have the right to give up on some1 and crush them so that i can have a bit of passion again in my life). If you need to get high from chemical inbalances go smoke a joint! Dont just destroy stability for a high.
Someone recently told me about about relationships "vows are made to be broken". Thats the BIGGEST oxymoron i have ever heard. A vow is a rule that people make an oath to adhere to for the purpose of stability, if it is made to be broken why was it ever made in the first place? To give you a one up so that you can get out whenever you want but the other person can't?
No one should be with anyone else if they are prepared to just up and leave when they feel "the passion is gone". You should say it like it is "i am NOT with you..... i am just here to have some fun while it lasts."
im sorry if i am offending the girl who wrote this in anyway i do not mean to as she seems to be a lovely lady, but i am just so shocked by how flipant and careless people are these days and how at the end of the day they will only think of themselves.
peace and love

 

jester if you do write a book, which i'm sure you are very capable of, do i get a cut for actually living this fucked up melodrama??? PM me, it only gets better & better as the days go by....

peace & love,
twist

 

Bedlamite,

Get the heck out of there. Understandably everyone's worrying about the kids.

But for God's sake, I would rather a healthy, happy father (separated from my mother completely) one hour away than NO father at all! They will feel abandoned especially if people (hint: mother and 'other man') feed them wrong or blatantly false information about their father while they're growing up. Otherwise they will understand eventually.

I'm shocked about the sex everywhere and as someone already pointed out, having your heartbroken again and again and again not just through the woman you care about but by your own children being so close but so fucking far?

Is there any way you can find work? DO get your own apartment? Find a relative to room with? I don't recommend living on your own at this point, if you don't mind me saying.

 

* First off - I would like to thank Hannah for her support: I seem unable to find much of that these days.
* Secondly - I'd also like to thank Jester for his ... umm... 'vieled' support as well. Your choice of words have actually been a bit comedic to me, and I've been able to find a smile here and there that come rarely these days.

- Now, as Twist suggested, there has been alot more to this story since this thread last saw activity. I'd say the most notable was me going to my probation officer and breaking down in tears sharing this tale with him. I asked for his help in this knowing the other guy had a warrent or two out there, and the next day he was arrested. Long story short - they didn't know it was me, and Twist begged me to bail him... I said I could only if she let him go, and she refused (I regret that, and hate that I was even capable of saying it - but its done now)... the LANDLORD came to her rescue while I was traveling back south that same day (Twist threw me out again for refusing to help), and now they are in debt to her.

Durring that first month my Grandmother died, and I went with famaly to her internment less than a month ago now. I've hardly been able to mourn that great loss though due to my life crisis, and still have much pain to face once I am able (if ever) to start healing.

I've done some traveling from one famaly members home to another, but been unable to stay any place long. Returning to Marthas Vineyard was OK as a trip, but I could never stay there again as there are just way to many painful memories. My father is in disabled housing outside of Boston, and due to his lease agreement I can't stay there either - just visit. I rented a room in the Boston area for about a week, but couldn't keep it as the renter was a bit paranoid of our government and didn't like the idea of my PO snooping around his residence.

I returned to Portland this past monday, and have been staying at the local homeless shelter (about 2 min walk from what was once my life) while I look for an affordable room in the area. Last friday Twist messaged me saying to come home sunday after they'd gotten into a huge fight and broke up, but then changed her mind completely by monday - I came back anyhow, and am going to stay (I think/hope) for our boys... even though both Twist and her 'man' think I'm only here to create more havoc in their lives.

(sorry that none of this is in true cronological order - just putting it down as its recalled)

When I was last here I was staying at the shelter, and that proved more than I could bear at the time. I ended up with a pocket full of pills one night (enough to do the job +), and Twist came to the 'rescue' as I'd given her that opening. She had the cops show up, and I had the pleasure of spending 2 days in the local 'hospital'. After I got out her and her 'man' allowed me to stay there in the entry room of the apt. for awhile, and then I went to the Boston area after things came to a head...

The day I got out - durring a private conversation between Twist and myself - she cheated on her new 'man' with me, and there ARE pictures of proof. 2 days later there was another 'moment' we shared, and I ultimately decided that she needed to come clean with him, let me tell him, or simply leave him. In the end it was me who told him while she denied emphaticly what had happened saying that the pics I had were old news, and as they are rather close-up pics with none of the bedrooms changes in evidence I don't have a way to prove my claims. He has choosen to beleive her...

In close (for now) I would like to express one last thing. I am desperate, and the proof of that is in my actions. I honestly hate myself for some of the choices I've made in the past 3 months because of this mess, and have tried to appologize for most of them. Turning him over to the authorities was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and goes so against everything I beleive in - I am disgusted in myself for making that choice. Those few intimate moments she gave to me were so special, and I have ruined those memories for myself by forcing the whole thing into the open - dispite her choices, they were special and private and I should have kept them so rather than try to use them for my own gains.

I'm not done yet though - I still have breath. I'll be in touch...

 

First off - Jester, you may be right about Twist char on a soap opera. I wish I could hate her sometimes myself - it would make things much easier for me, but I can't (even when I want to). Twist and the boys ARE my whole world and life.

I wish things could be that simple my friend, but they are never that way in life. As of tomorrow this leach who dares to call himself a 'man' has even stolen a Fathers Day from me, and I am helpless to do anything about it.

* I came planning to post a bit to this thread today, and found reason to make a few responces first - now, on to the meat:

As I'd mentioned in a previous post - it was a week ago yestarday that Twist messaged me saying to come home Sunday. She (of course) changed her mind, but I did come back anyhow because I have missed my children greatly - and I wanted her to SEE that I really am here for her and them as much as she'll allow me to be.

However, since my return (and dispite the fact she had asked me to come back at one point) she has redoubled her effort at hating me, and (with his 'help') has been slowly turning me into a monster in her mind that she might be able to justify her choices.

Those in the neighborhood who know us and how she used to be all share my concern that this new relationship is proving VERY unhealthy, and not just for her or me. Our boys are forced to live with this, and watch what its doing to all of us - there ARE scars being made that she refuses to see. I have tried to impress this apon her many times, but she is to desperate to beleive in him to open her eyes to the truth.

The truth is this:

- I DO have the finacial means to support my famialy so long as I am not forced to support myself sepperatly. He has done nothing more than was absolutely nessessary in this regards, and when it has been required of him - his methods are always illegal.

I told him the last time I left town that if she IS as important to him as he says - he needs to stand up as a man, go legit, and get his shizznit in order. His legal issues ARE now cleared up as far as I know simply because I did turn him in, but he has not made any effort to get a legal ID or real job.

They have been forced by this to sell some of OUR property/memories in yard sales and pawn more of it.

- Our boys (especially the oldest who turns 10 on the 26th of this month and is having a b-day party this afternoon) have TRIED daily to let thier mother know that they miss me and want me back home, yet she has choosen to disregard this putting more importance on her disfunctional relationship.

I HAVE to tell you all though that she was NEVER like this before. She really is a great mother, and was my rock - I knew she was always there for me. She is a fantastic, loving, and very carring woman who has given my last 11 years more meaning than the rest of my life ever had. For some reason she is just unable to see that in herself or beleive she is actually a truely good person (basicly her words here you all).

I would give ANYTHING to be able to get everyone who knows us and whats been going on these past 3+ months together to try an intervention on her and for her. I keep trying to tell her that she IS better than this, and that even he knows he doesn't deserve her - she continues to refuse to see or understand any of it though.

OK, that is enough for now. I'll be expecting repercusions from her for this as well as a post or two from this community. I'll be back...

Thanx All.

 

Bedlamite,

I'm not sure what you're fighting for though, that's realistically within reach, you know? You want your wife (or ex-wife?) to accept you when it's shown in the past she just can't, for whatever reasons. You want the kids to know their dad's still there above all.

But you know this isn't going to happen, at least not anytime soon. You can either stick it out until people actually see the effort you're putting in, or you can leave. But she plainly isn't going to make it easy for you (for her own reasons).

You plainly don't like this man but I don't see how you can fault her or him for coming together and things getting so bad that you're in this situation. Surely there were many warning signs in the past and intervals that led up to this. You either didn't do enough or chose to ignore it.

Maybe you care about your familly immensely and had a wake up call but mate, as much as I encourage you to have strength and do what you have to do, I don't see why she should stop seeing this other man to:

1) Give you the satisfaction of knowing you split them apart

2) Going back to whatever terrible place she was in when it was just the two of you

Just speaking as an outsider and trying to see both sides. The above may not change your point of view or your decisions but maybe by understanding why she refuses to leave this other man, it would cause you a little less mental anguish. I know... big words, little consolation and perhaps I'm all wrong as she will correct me, I'm sure.

From the little I know however this would probably be some of the reasons why I would not break it with the other guy if I were in her shoes.

 

Although I do honestly see where you are comming from Jester - the truth of it is that before all this happened Twist really was a totaly different woman. She was there for me each and every crisis, and truely treated me VERY well.

Maybe I could do the whole moving on bit, and find another woman - but I have done that enough already. This is my second famialy, this is where I belong, and (most importantly) WANT to be. The idea of even TRYING to go beyond this to yet another full-fledged relationship is actualy beyond my comprehension, and of absolutely NO interest to me what-so-ever.

Furthermore - NO MATTER WHAT she does to me, I could NEVER even consider thinking about trying to take our kids from her. Aside from recent truths and their lasting effects - she is actually a great mother, and just as devoted to our boys as I am.

Twist and our boys are my life man. They are my whole world. My only reason for posting here was to set the record straight so each of you would have a chance to respond without bias, and maybe in doing so she would find a way to recognise the truth of what her choices are doing to those around her including our two boys...

...and a part of her DOES see that now.

The Twist you have all come to know from this thread is NOT the twist I've known for the past 11 years, and its important to me that you all know that. I do NOT understand or know what it is thats TWISTED her from the incredible woman I've found it so easy to love, but I won't give up on that woman ever. I have a billion+ stories I could share about the real Twist, and each would show someone with a true heart, great love, and unlimited compasion...

There was one night we were driving south on 95 when a rabbit ran out in front of us. I was driving, and although I did swerve to try and avoid it - I was unable to do so. I am VERY in love with nature, and the simple cruel truth of the accident hit home hard. I actually pulled over and unable to hold back my 'tender side' broke down crying.

The Twist I know didn't need to share any empty words with me then. MY Twist simply wrapped her arms around me and held me through my moment of sorrow.

Maybe somewhere down this road I'll share some more of the Twist I know that each of you might know who she was before all this.

LMAO - Honestly Jester, I have tried to let it go enough to deprive her of my attentions more than once these past 3 month, but have found that I am unable to do so. When one finds that one thing in their life that means more to them than themselves - its not an easy thing to just stand on the sidelines watching it all fall away.

(Yeah, I know - find something to move on to or get my mind off this mess.)

As to the 'showing her what she'll be missing' part - THAT I have been doing, and there are even some days when I feel that there has been some success on that field. She does know me, and what I am capable of - and I have shown her every time I've had the opportunity too exactly how much this all means to me. I have proven myself time and again to be the bigger man, I have shown myself to be our boys father in every way, and I have left no room in it all for her to doubt my love ever again...

...She's just cought up in something that - even though she knows it to be wrong, unhealthy (for herself and our boys), and self destructive - she is still (as of yet) unable to break from. I am as patient as death though, and will wait this out while never once giving up. Twist and our boys are all I want, and my whole world.

(OK, so maybe I have a bit of a self destructive bit to my person as well.)

Finaly Jester, I'll go back to the start of your above post. No, Twist may not be what might be seen as physicly beautiful to most. Thats besides the point though because the old saying IS very true -

"BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER."

...and like I said above - I know the real Twist, and she IS the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes.