are all men this way?

You're most welcome.

Sometimes, in an encompassing situation, we tend to forget...
... or at least I do.

 

ok so chuck is supossed to leave early saturday morning. right now it has hit him how much he has screwed up and is begging for one more month to let him prove how much me & the kids mean to him. i asked him what 11 years of one more month adds up to. it sux, i really do care about him but i am in love w/ this other guy & i think he and i & the kids deserve a chance for happiness together. my kids get along really well with this other guy & he is excellent with them. i guess what my ramblings are getting at is this ~~~

do i give him ANOTHER chance or do i follow my heart???
btw he went out today and got a tattoo to remind him of how much he loves me.... i've changed my sig to what he got put on his arm...
whats a girl to do in this messed up life????

peace & love,
twist

 

I wonder the same thing sometimes about my 9-year relationship-- do I give him "another chance" because the love is still that strong or because the relationship is stuck in permanence? You should pray about it, if possible for you. I don't think going right from one relationship to another is that hot of an idea, but I realize that with kids what else are you going to do? Go off on your own and get on welfare? I sometimes wish I could find another woman who wants to leave her man and hook up with her. Not sexually, but just so that you can watch each other's kids and share the bills.

No offense, but your hubby going to get a tattoo to show his love is kind of like my hubby baking a ton of stuff. If your intention is to show you love me, why do you go and do something you want to do? Really just shows a selfish side IMO but I'm a bit bitter, too.

 

Why would he need a tattoo to remind him how much he loves you?

 

yes i agree with this, I would also suggest that you two get some professional help and some mediation, it also needs to be legal if theres kids involued you both have rights.
I guess I'm saying that the net is ok for you to let of steam, but people can't give you a true response here, as theres two adults and two children involued and we can only see it from your point of view.
ive been in a relationship for over 12 years if it split up I don't believe he would give in without fighting.
S

 

theres something rather poetic about you asking a question like that and your name being wond'ringAloud, it made me smile
S

 

Yeah, I was musing when I wrote that. All kinds of stuff going around in my head lately.

 

I am the other half of Twists last 11 years, and I thought I'd comment a bit... but first - a few notes:

1) I accept full responcibility for what has happened to us.

2) We moved this 'other man' into our home 2 months ago because he was a friend and homeless at the time.

3) She has spent almost every night in the bedroom with him since smokin up and talkin.

4) My main reason for not joining them is that I am on probation for some REAL stupid BS (maybe she'll share more on this).

5) My second reason is that on those few occasions I did try to sit with them I felt out of place, or a 'third wheel'.

6) Although she DID tell me about a month before their interest in eachother came out that we were through, she still continued to have sexual relations with me.

Now, allow me to give you some background on me:
I lived through my parents divorce at age 9 with 2 younger sisters. I went through visitation, therapy and DSS as a result.
I was married, and had one son with that woman. I lost it all by no ones fault but mine, and would not be here to make this post if it weren't for the friends I had then.
I spent 21 months in jail for armed robbery - one of the worst mistakes of my life, and totaly without reason.
Twist and I came together as a one night stand thanx in part to my ego, and now its 11 yrs later.

The Whole Story (through my eyes):

Twist and I had problems from the start. We both got in eachothers way in some fashion, and have caused great emotional harm. I am at fault for this, and can honestly say what she has done in the past was simply reactionary.

In 1996 we had our first son. I have never been able to find a bond with him (just like my first), and have been very hard on him throughout.

Twist and I have had a number of affairs - nothing dramatic though til 5 yrs ago. Thats when she chose to persue a relationship with another man, and I left to live with a friend for 3 months. Durring that time we also continued a sudo-relationship that was eventually able to find its way back to - well... what was there before she left basicly.

Durring that 3 months she became pregnant, and we waited to see who the father was. The other guy split (and we all learned some things about him), and I moved back home. On March 13 2001 Dylan was born. I have never had a paternity test done, and don't really care either way because for the first time I have that connection. Thank God he's only 4, and doesn't understand. Unlike our older son - he'll be able to forget.

CURRENT EVENTS:

The 'Other Guy' in this tragedy is basicly a good guy. He loves Twist and treats our boys real good. I fault him nothing ... except maybe his not knowing ALL of Gods 10 commandments, but then - who am I to point fingers. I allowed this to happen. I opened the door wide as possible for him simply by my own inability to show those close to me just how much they mean. I burried myself in my own little world...

Speaking of - what I play is not a simple RPG. Its what is commonly refered to as an MMORPG. I play with and against 1000s of people worldwide, and have found many friends (just as Twist has in some way here). The game is mainly my escape from the pain of a physicaly dibilitating hereditary disease, but its also acted as a sanctuary from the arguments Twist and I continue to have.

As to my disease - under different curcumstances I would be in a chair for most of my day-to-day within the next 2-4 yrs simply due to the pain. It eats away at me, and - as Twist will vouch - its been about 7yrs now since I had a day without pain. Sure as damned hell wish I COULD smoke it up with her.

A DIFFERENT SPIN ON MY DECISIONS:

I have caused pain in EVERY life I have touched - ever. I have caused pain to myself, and am tired. I have lived through the trauma of visitation from both ends - as a child and a parent. Either way - I am physicaly wasting away, and in alot of pain from that as well.

I do NOT want my boys to go through what I have been through. I don't wish to have them come and suffer through visits with me at whatever home I'd end up in. I don't wish them to see me waste away in pain and alone knowing that simular probably awaits them.

Think what each of you will about my choices - your opinion is your God given right, as is mine. Call me selfish if you will, I view it as selfless though, and always will. I leave bright and early tomorrow morn for FL to see my sister and her son. I have amends to make there as well. From there I will go someplace I've never been before, but have called home my whole life - New Orleans. I do not know what happens then - its in Gods hands, all I know for sure is there is an end for us each. I am tired, I am ready, and I am TRYING to make peace with everyone I can.

11 years ago I tried to warn her. I never should have let her fall in love with me. I love her, and that has ultimately caused the greatest pain I could have made for her. I am, as my old pen name suggests - the 'Authentic Monstrocity'.

 

I really don't know what to say, except to wish yourself, twist and your kids, the very,very, best of luck, sincerely, I'll think of you.

 

These kids are gonna want to know their father. Ya, you may think that the effects of your disease may be tramatic on your children, but what will be even more tramatic is a father that is not in their lives, that they don't know - it will be like a part of them is missing. Your self-pity takes a back seat to the needs of your children, and your children need their father in their lives. You wern't given an easy life, but you still gotta play the cards you're delt. Running away from your family (not just physically but in MMO's as well), is the easy way out. You love them enough to seperate yourself from them because you have some warped idea that it will be better for the family....why not love them enough by being strong for your family and doing what you can to give them what they need. And I can tell you that at the least a child needs it's father around - ESPECIALLY if there is a chance they could go through the disease you have had to go through. Do you want them to feel as alone as you do, or do you want them to know they have a father who understands?

So you blew it with your wife, it's a wake-up call. Don't blow it with your children. You are already putting them through what you have been through, and now you want to top that off with what many other children have to go through...the disappearing parent!? They need you, and you need them too. Focus on doing what you can to make their lives better. Disappearing will only make it worse for all of you.

Oh, and bond with your son...you are the adult in this situation, make the effort and keep making it.

 

ignore this post

 

Well, if you're still around, let me tell you this. It will be painful for your kids if you disappear. They will not perceive this as a brave and selfless act. Instead, they will feel that they did not matter to you at all. They will feel abandoned.

My kids' dad won't answer the phone. He used to say that he couldn't afford to visit them and call them. Then his mom agreed to pay his whole cell phone bill for a year, bought me a calling card, and bought him a calling card. He moved without telling us. When my kids come to me, about once a week, crying because they miss their dad, we try to call the only number that we have. He never picks it up and he never calls us back.

His mom also is willing to pay his travel expenses for him to visit the kids. Last time we talked, I was seriously considering moving to where he lives so that he could be in their lives, even though he's the only person we know in that state. Pretty nice of me considering that he treated me and the kids like shit when we were together.

He won't talk to our kids. They're heartbroken. He tells his friends that it's "too painful" to see them because he "can't be with them all the time".

The victims here are the kids. My kids always ask me why their dad won't talk to them and I DON'T KNOW.

So, if you ignore your kids, you will not be sparing them, even if you are sick. You'll just be causing them more pain.

Think about it. Even if your marriage ends, please do the right thing by your kids.

 

Levi, I'm sorry to hear about that situation and the pain your kids are going through. If Twist doesnt feel like she loves him anymore then she obviously cant stay in the relationship. I also feel bad for Bedlamite. I've felt the same way at certain times in my life, especially if you feel "worthless" or "damaged" due to illness or other reasons. While Twist may seem powerful, brave, and able to make decisions, her partner cannot. Is it fair to leave someone like this? I don't know. Twist is feeling loving towards the other person and this is helping her heal from her current/past relationship, it may not be easy now but in the long run is this really what you want? I would feel very much like Bedlamite. Like "you knew me when" and now its not good enough.

Try councelling for you Twist, or for the relationship, but at least for the kids sake. You have to make the commitment.

peace

 

I of course agree. This makes me even more wish women would get together, instead of fly from one relationship with one not-perfect man to another. Women are nurturers and will encourage and protect each other (blanket statement I know) to ensure family relations are flowing to the best of their abilities. As someone who has confided in girlfriends vs. going to counciling, I pick the girlfriends when it comes to relationship issues. Believe me, there are tons of couples out there in nearly the same situation as twist. Sign of the times? I don't know. I just know I don't want to make the same "mistake" twice. Not that fully loving a person and creating two shining new souls is a mistake, but I hope y'all know what I'm saying. If I ever leave my man it won't be to go on welfare, and it won't be to another "nice guy" who may have problems of his own. Such a big step should be a big step up. When you team up with another single mama, you can wait for the best guy to come along, enjoy dating, have a better transition for the ex, and so many other things.

 

My passionate diatribe might make it seem I want to move in with you twist ;-) but I'm really just talking and passionate about my own situation and don't know the details of the "other" guy-- I mean, if he is a big step up, go for it, and even if not, it's your choice. I just remember being tempted to leave my man for a homeless guy (well, homeless doesn't even matter, but he had other issues that caused that) and feel strongly about this situation. Blessings to you!

 

They deserve each other.

 

cooloner lets hope thats not some hidden psychic ability you have......

peace & love,
twist

 

so chuck left for fla on sat. he arrived safely & has spoken to his boys every night. tonight he was told that there is no chance of reunification. who knows where it will go from here, hopefully he'll be able to stay in touch with the boys and hopefully see them when ever he wants. kids are adjusting well ~~ oldest is acting out a bit, not too bad thou. thank everyone for your advice in all this, hopefully things will work out & we'll all manage to find the right balance in all of this for this kids sake.

peace & love,
twist

 

People just get a bit upset when you tell them their life is over.

 

OK, so as Twist said I did leave Sat morn for Florida as planned, however...

- Friday night she asked her new man to be absent as much as possible so we could spend that last eve together. He did, and we did. Everything was perfect - how things should have been durring our last 11 years together...

- We watched 'True Romance' (a movie we'd never been able to get through before because sex would always seem to find its way into the eve before we were half through the movie).

- Then we went to bed and cuddled, talked, and cried.

- We made love (or, at least thats what I thought of it as)

- We stayed in bed til about 4:30am talking, cuddling, and crying some more. Then it was time for me to finish getting ready to go.

She told me she'd made her mind up, and me comming back was all she wanted - that we'd be together apon my return and start anew doing things right this time. She said she'd find a way to break it to him before I got 'HOME'.

I called her from Penn Station in NYC as she'd asked expecting her to tell me Fri was an act, a final mercy, a tender farwell - she stood by what she'd said though and insisted she wanted me to come 'HOME'. She also told me to look in my bag - she'd left me a note/card which proved to be more of my dreams being fulfilled.

When I arrived in FL I again called as promised, and her story continued to be the same that night, HOWEVER - since then her tune has changed. She has TRIED to be gentle about it, and I suppose I can thank her for that - but why not just be upfront from the start. This has all ended up hurting me more by how its been played.

I honestly do NOT know what I am going to do now. Life has thrown in a few other curve balls that seem to require my return now, but I am homeless thanx to all this mess. Her suggestion is that I move in with our neighbors downstairs (they would welcome me instantly), but that means listening to MY boys running across the floor just out of reach. That means listening to who knows what else of what was ONCE my life going on just out of reach. That means being slammed in the face every time I turn around with my failure...

Was I really so horrible that she can justify such a suggestion?