Am I Good Enough?

Yeah it is inspired by personal experience..it took alot out of me to post it..i wrote it and thought of hitting delete and not posting it. But decided to post it anyways.

 

You have experienced more pain than most people I know.
Please continue to express yourself.

 

I don't think I have..there's far worse. I just have a different way of expressing it in the way that it affected me..and it was a very painful time..i wish I had my poem folder with me at school..i have a LOT of poems from that time.

 

You're a survivor.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

 

Let me teach you an equation;
a little bit of chemistry if you will.
First there's the reaction, that's you and me.
Then there's the equaling out of both sides.
Maybe alittle bit more of me on you,
will balance this out.
Not too much, just enough.
Yeah baby, that's it.
Then you hit equilibrium and that's when we're both spent.
Can you feel it?
The pulsing, beating, breathing..
Just alittle bit more..but we can't.

(this is what a day of studying chemistry gets ya..)

 

I feel that we're all survivors. We've all survived things that others haven't..or have.

 

Shit,
And i didn't take chemistry in school, cause I thought it would be boring and or hard.
That's cool.
Nice work.

 

teehee..yeah it can be fun if you're creative with it lol. I thought up this one waking to my teachers office to get help..my mind works in weird ways..I sometimes dream in chemistry...which is odd.

 

“Seduction”
A blood sucking, evil thing.
Seduction.
Celestial golden wings of pure envy,
taking my breath from my lungs.
Seduction.
The truth of the sun and moon,
a galaxy of everlasting love.
Seduction.
Luring me into a pit of evil despair.
Seduction.
Slowly kissing my lips, stealing my soul,
and saying you love me.
Seduction.

 

Remember me?
Yes dad, I'm your daughter.

It's been some time now,
years to be exact, but who's counting?

What can I say I grew up,
and you wasn't there.

Turned into a real gem, didn't I?

Oh, father don't cry.
Tears aren't the answer to why.
To why you left
and if you missed me.
Did you feel any guilt,
leaving me?

I wondered why you left me father, you left me feeling like I wasn't worth anything to you.
Was I so bad that you didn't want me?
No letter, no call, no "I love you Babydoll".

Left me all alone, your little girl.
Now I'm all grown up, and I can't find the words I want and need to say.

You missed out on everything.
From my first word,
to my first kiss,
wasn't there for my birth,
or my high school graduation.
Everytime you said you'd be there,
you always went back on your word. It's a wonder I can't find it in my heart to trust another.

You missed out,
and I was right in front of you.
You was oblivious to me.
Now you want my pity.
But what good will my pity do,
when you're the one at loss?
You lost out, and now I'm gone.
Goodbye so long,
Love you father.

 

Wow,
What feeling.
This made me very glad to know that I was there for my daughters fisrt word, first step, graduation, and I walked her down the isle.
Even though I was there for my little girl, this piece of yours choked me up.
Very powerful material.

 

For a long time I hated the fact that my dad was in the Navy..always gone and when he was home he didn't seem to want to do anymore than yell at me or ignore me. So yeah I was 15 when I wrote that, I took alittle leap with the graduation part..my dad was actually there when I graduated, well "graduated" since I didn't really graduate, but that's another story..he was there to see me get my GED diploma..if he doesn't start taking better care of himself I'm afraid he won't see me graduate from college though...

 

Holy Cow....I was going through my posts at another forum that I frequent..and found a bunch of old poems that I wrote and don't even remember writing but I'm sure I have them written down in my disaster of a room..but wow..just reading those brung a swarm of emotions back..

Bad Blood

You've kept me in your shackles long enough.
You're the wicked witch and I'm the innocent princess.
You've shunned me,
thrown me away.
All for bad blood,
it makes you sin.
A black plague of death and its suffocating.
A thick blanket of disgust surrounds my soul.
But you don't care because your blood is poisoned.
Your hot breath is just like a dragons.
You've sent the woodsman after my heart but he can't escape my grace and beauty.
It's bad blood, it's all the same.
You can't kill me I'm immortal.
Let me reign free.
Free from your grasp.
Set me free from this bad blood.
It's poison running through my veins.
But I can't sleep forever like you want me to mother dear.
My prince has arrived and he's going to take me away from your poisonous grasp.
Bad blood,
bad blood,
you can't escape it.

 

I Won't



I won't try to pretend,
to be someone I'm not.
Sometimes I feel like it's all that i've got.

This plastic smile,
this syndicated life.
I'm trying to be this barbie I'm not.

I'm not the best,
not even second best.
Everything's so fake and plastic.

Gripping for the chains,
the chains of my exsistence.
Did you hold on,
or did you let go?

Falling face first,
can't you see?

All I want is for you to love me.
To need me.
to hold me and never let me go.

But nothing's the same in this plastic world.

"Unmended"


I stand before you,
bathed in blood.
The acts of sin rest upon my arm.

Just because you say your there,
doesn't mean you are.
Just because you say you love me,
doesn't mean you do.

I'm unmended, this hell's angel.
Here to wreak havoc on this world.
The pain is unbareble, yet I still love it.

Whips and chains,
razors and knives,
what's the difference?

I'm still the canvas,
want to paint me?

Paint me red,
paint me black,
paint me all the colors of the rainbow.

Paint me red for the blood that runs,
paint me black for all the bruises on my soul.
Paint me rainbow bright, because you'll never know what mask I'll wear today.

Killed or be killed,
Death, or die.
Freak on a leash,
can't you bruise me some more?

I'm unmended,
unmended,
like your eyes...

"Damaged"

You're so worthless,
harbouring the thin line of non-exsistence.
You're damaged goods.
Everyone can see,
all your insecurities.
On the brink of insanity.
Can you fall and catch me?
Don't blink your eyes,
I'll be gone shortly.
Maybe then I'll be worth much more than you make me feel.
Maybe then you'll see how beautiful I'll be,
lying lifeless on the ground with red flowing all around me. Like a beautiful van-gogh portrait.
Maybe then, I won't be so damaged.
Oh so damaged...

 

“Hidden Beauty”
Deep inside,
Hidden far from sight.
Everything’s a blur.

I wait for my time to shine,
But it passes me right by.

I can’t believe I was deceived
by my own eyes.
Myself the critic; starring in the drama of my life.
My mirror is fired.
Fired for making me feel fat.
Fired for putting these dirty thoughts in my head.
But it’s not all the mirrors fault.
It’s mine for believing the mirrors lies.
And backing away from my own inner light.

It’s all a bad dream,
I try to wake up.
But I can’t this is reality.
I’m hiding inside, unable to see the beauty on the outside.
Can you see it for me?

-Resa

“Not A Doll”
I am not this doll.
The doll you used.
The doll you broke.
I’m not made of porcelain anymore.

I’m not that doll,
You dust off every few years thinking you can play with my heart.

I’m sick of this,
I’m sick of you.
I’m sick of being broken in two.

Just put me down and put me back together again.

“Paint With Blood”
I want to paint with blood.
Intertwined into one.
Prick the finger let it run.
I mean nothing to you anyways.

Nothing but this slutty whore,
that you can do to as you please.
Not anymore,
I have feelings too.
And it makes me want to paint.
Paint with blood.

“Whore”

Like a whore with long black fingernails.
You rape my mind, never letting go.

Lips smothered in red lipstick.
Nothing to ever pass them.
A secret shame of self inflicted pain.
It fills me up just the same.

I will not succumb to your beautiful lies anymore.
Because your lies have become your truths,
and you tell me I'm not sick.

You whisper these horrid thoughts into my mind,
and you leave me to be dead.
Why can't you just leave me be?
I don't believe in you,
you can't hurt me anymore.

"Falling"

Falling into darkness,
these tears have come adorn.
With pain and sacrament,
I pay my just reward.
"Nothing can save me now,"
I think to myself.
As I step away from the mirror,
all my hate is gone.
It's in jagged blood-stained pieces lying on the floor.
It's not for glamour.
It's not for kicks.
It's something deep inside pulling me full force.
And in these ruins I glimpse,
the one true thing that’s slowly killing me.
Is not the mirror, but myself.
How ironic could this be.
How beautiful I used to feel,
how all that collapsed.
With years of being teased and tormented.
Whipped upon my back.
For everything comes a price.
And for every joy comes pain.
But in the end,
it's my decision on how I deal,
with the many mistakes I've made.
It's not for glamour,
it's not for kicks.
It's how my mind perceive things in this dark abyss.
So I bid you farewell,
with this:
Don't judge,
because it might come back on you.


"Double Edged Mirror"

I embrace thee with bountiful beauties.
Riches and health.
Countless sorrows, embellish your face.

You my dear are a vengeful beauty.
Deadly and defiant.
Graceful and articulate.

I run your finger against my edge.
And everything turns red.
Like anger, and blood.

Anger and blood have made you ugly.
Pain and hurt have bruised your soul.
But still I distort everything you are.

Inside and out.
Beautiful and ugly.
Graceful and deadly.
Everything you are I am.

Double edged mirror,
Pricking my heart.
Your distorted lies have hurt me before.
But no more, I will not allow you to hurt me.

To every good side there is a bad.
To every beauty there’s something just as ugly.
You can not win in this unbalanced equation.


“Serenity”
Sweet surrender how beautiful you are.
When entwined in our beautiful embrace.

How wonderful it seems, to be held captive in your heart.
To never feel the warmth of another.

The soul survives on hate and passion.
All the hate that’s welled up inside.
All the passion that’s been hidden.

It’s broken free,
And has claimed all that I am.

Shrouded in glass mystery.
You can see me,
And I can see you.
But we can’t touch.

And it’s killing me slowly,
Knowing I’ll never feel your kiss upon my lips.
To not be able to feel your body close to mine.
To know I’m free from this spell.

You can call me snow white,
Another Cinderella.
But will you be my prince charming,
Or another stander-by?

ok i'm a poem junkie..shoot me..lol..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3/29/04
"Breaking"
I'm breaking inside,
slowly dying.
It hurts to see the shadows fade, to know my dreams aren't my realities.
No prince,
no happy ending.
Everything's not going to be perfect.
Can't you see I'm crying.
Crying out for you to love me,
crying out in blood-stained lust for you to give a damn.
It means nothing to you,
that I've sacrificed all that I am for you.
To make you happy, to make you proud.
To make me feel happy inside.
But what for? For the self-indulgence of pure hate?
To hate myself,
to hate you,
to hate this world that we live in.
I want to bleed for every wrong the worlds commited.
I want to justify my sins, and fade away like the stars.

i felt like ranting through poetry a bit.. :>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4/4/04
"Who's Bed"

Who's bed is this in which you lay.
Our loved professed upon this day.
For all eternity we swore, to love one another. To not covet and for sickness and health, for better or worse.
But who is she? Do I not make you happy?
Do I not give you everything your heart doth desire? Have I failed as a wife, as the love of your life?
We bore our children, and reared them up.
To love us and to trust us. But what is that trust when it is broken? Desecrated, unholy. I can't bear it nomore. Good bye, I love you. ~

 

I can't do this.
I really can't.
Everything we've been talking about.
The discussing of meal plans,
and exercising.
Brings back so many memories;
I'm not ready to handle this.
I can't do this.
I don't want to go back to that place in my life.
Where my obsession was food, being thin, and "perfection".
You don't understand this, I can't explain to someone how I feel.
How this makes me feel.
My thoughts and emotions are haywire.
I want to be able to do things right, but when you're fighting for your life;
what is right?

 

I like the rush I feel,
after downing a drink.
The rosy glow that over comes my senses.
The feeling of my body unwinding on the dance floor.
The flow of the senses as I take off to another world.
One without any thoughts or pain.
Down another drink;
keep with the pace..

 

half way through the bottle,
where's the bottom?
I feel like i'm swimming in a sea of alcoholic bliss.
nothing but time on my hand.
listening to music.
dancing naked through my room.
amateur video director.
directing the movie of my life.
wanna take a rest..and see what alls been written?
running through the halls nothing but a sheet covering me.
laughing, jumping, hopping, skipping.
I feel like I'm 5 years old again..
wanna join me?
we can roll around in the grass and stare up at the stars all night long...

 

"Angelic" - For everyone who's ever felt different..

You've called me dirt,
tripped me up and made me fall.
Made me cry and told me lies.
Just because you think I'm different.
But maybe I'm an angel;
sent down to protect people like you.
Maybe I'm an angel here to watch over this world.
Maybe I'm different because you're all the same.
And maybe I see things in a different way.
Doesn't mean that it's justified, because if I died, who'd save the world then?
Would you? Didn't think so.

 

"remember me" that was a beautiful poem, i can totally relate, i wrote a similar one about my father its called "Remembrance" i know how hard it can be dealing with abandonment from parents, it gets better, it took me 26 years before i was able to forgive my father and it was just in time because i lost him 5 months after we finally became friends, thanks for the poem,. ive only scrolled thru some of them and have really enjoyed what i have read, i will go thru the rest for i really enjoy your poetry

peace love joy harmony