All About Freedom

I have a freedom story to share.
It was the year 2000. I had been invited by a Native American family to visit the Crow Reservation (in Montana) for the Sun Dance Ceremony and to bring a Prayer Bundle over from Australia (where I live). The father and one of the sons were the Medicine Men for the ceremony. This was such an honor and so 'once in a lifetime' that despite having no money, I just decided that I was going to do it, no matter what. Also I had never been overseas before, and this would be on my own.
Somehow, magically, all the help I needed came forward. I had a combined front lawn sale with some other people and made nearly $400 from stuff I didn't really need anyway. Then someone who ran a spiritual centre put on a fundraising day for me. I had an old, bleached white skull of a bull (found out in a field) and I painted and decorated it with feathers etc and raffled that off on the day. I did card readings for people, sold old books and records to a secondhand shop, and one way or another, I ended up with enough for the plane ticket and some money to live on once I got there.
I organised to stay in a backpacker's hostel in Santa Monica on my overnight stay in LA. When I was making the booking something told me that this would be an important a part of my visit...so I knew something special was on its way.
Pretty much from the moment I arrived in LA I was off walking around the streets, even though it was getting late. I went for a coffee and decided to sit near to a homeless man, who was having a bit of a conversation with himself and writing things down in a little notebook. For some reason he fascinated me, and I was sorry when I had to leave, and even worried about him a bit when I went on to Montana. He was in my thoughts a lot. I wondered if I would see him again on the overnight stay in LA on the way back home.
Meanwhile, being in a new country on my own was an experience I won't forget. Nobody knew me, no one expected me home at a certain hour, and I had no one to explain to or answer to. That in itself was an amazing freedom for me. Very liberating!
The stay on the Reservation was ubelievable. The colours, the drumming, the dancing. I watched the Sun Dance with awe. I went to Pow Wows and Rodeos with the family and visited Paradise Valley (beside Yellowstone) where we took some horses to a ranch. We went up the mountains in pick-up trucks to have a picnic. Saw Bear Tooth Mountain, and drove through Wyoming and collected sage from the fields. It was wonderful.
On my return stay at LA overnight before my flight back home to Sydney, I walked around again. It was Saturday night and there was street entertainment going on. I found the same homeless man, and saw that when he when he got up and rushed off, he left his notebook behind at the cafe.
I tried to catch up to him, but he was too fast for me, so I handed it in at the counter. Then I went off to watch the entertainment.
The street was full of people and music. I saw a young guy coming towards me with this girlfriend. We had a moment of eye contact at a distance, and when he got close he said "Hey, have you got a dollar?" I laughed and said "Sorry I just gave it to that guy in a wheelchair" (I had). He laughed and said "Just joking! How are you going?" and I had a moment of 'instant recognition' with him. It felt just like meeting up with an old friend. I am sure he had it too. We hugged eachother and chatted about what we were doing (me Montana, he at a festival somewhere). It was so special. Somehow it was like 'touching souls'. It was a truly 'hippie' moment...ha ha
Anyway, next morning I walked down to the cafe again and who should be there but the homeless man "Daniel". He was with a small group of other homeless people having a morning coffee. I heard an older lady say "Oh Daniel. You must find your book. One day the world will want to know what happened to you". So I went over and introduced myself to her and said that I had found the book there the night before and handed it in...but apparently he had come back to get it and then lost it again. He was mostly having involved and sometimes heated 'conversations' with himself and during one of those he said he threw his little book in a dumpster and it was gone now. I was sad for him. She was a beautiful person, and was sewing buttons on a shirt for one of the men who was going for a job interview. She had all of her belongings attached to a bicycle, and we talked a while. I told her I was going back to Australia later that day and she said to me "I hope you leave a little bit of your heart here", which really touched me, and I promised I would. I hoped to go back there some day.
After she left, Daniel was arguing with himself saying "why won't God give me a packet of cigarettes?". I went up to him and gave him my last $5. I said "Daniel. God can't give you a packet of smokes, but I can. Here, I hope this is enough". He said thank you and went off to buy some. I had to catch a plane.
I wonder if I will ever make it back there? Here's hoping.

 

WOW...what a beautiful story, Goddess OM!!!! thank you for sharing that!

 

Thanks Sus!
I think I have figured something out. It is this -
Most of life's best experiences aren't the big ones that you expect to be the best. Instead, they are in the little details of life and things. If we stay mindful (in the present moment) and pay attention to the little details of everyday life...if we stay attentive to opportunities to help someone else (therefore, having an open heart) then life does become truly miraculous and we can get the biggest kick out of it.

 

--Willow-thats funny stuff-It kinda sounds like that that movie the Money Pit with Tom Hanks-The feeling of having your own home is great-I did once-Sounds like you made the right move-Y a know thats one thing I would not do is to live somewhere I didn't like just for the money-Alot of people have to live in or near a big city to make it-but is it worth your sanity?-Sometimes takin a paycut is well worth it to live where you want to live- good luck to all of you in the path of Katrina-were prayin or ya-

 

Goddess Om..you are such a beautiful and radiant person. I love your stories, and everyone elses too. This is such a postive thread..thank you for sharing. Here goes mine...
I found out I was pregnant about a month after I graduated high school. I had been with the same guy for 3 years, and loved him very much. I really thought we were meant to be together and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Of course I know now that you just can't possibly know what's best for you at that age..not the decisions I made anyway. Things happened pretty quickly for me after that. We got married when our daughter was 8 months old, and things quickly starting going downhill with our relationship. I found myself home alone with the baby most of the time, while he was out doing his thing. It hurt me that he didn't seem to fall in love with our daughter like I did..and it hurt me that he didn't seem to be in love with me anymore either. He knew I'd be there to take care of her, and just didn't see the need to be at my side. I didn't have friends..didn't go anywhere. He pretty much controlled everything I did. If I stayed gone for more than an hour when I went to the grocery store, well then I must have been fucking the bag boy. (I was loyal to this man for the duration of our marriage..later I found out it was his own guilty conscience I payed for so dearly). Pretty much all I had were my children, my mama, and my sister. my world revolved around them. I got pregnant with our son when our daughter was 3. I was on birth control pills, so I figure he was just meant to be. After he was born bad went to worse. He got very abusive, the drinking got out of control, and I was just plain scared of the man. I just never knew what kind of mood he was gonna come home in. Would he get out his guns this time?? Most of the time I would just dart off to bed when I saw his headlights in the driveway, and pretend like I was asleep. Sometimes he would come in and start yelling at me "where have you been"..knowing I was home with the children while he was out doing God knows what. Just crazy shit..you wouldn't believe half the stuff if I told you. I had him arrested multiple times..it never did any good. When someone has that much control over you, you feel helpless...just trapped. I stayed purely out of fear. Not to mention the fact my self esteem was worn to nothing. It's hard to explain, and unless you've ever been in that situation it's just hard to understand why women stay in situations like that. I had been with him so long..how could I ever make it on my own??
I lost my mama to lung cancer three years ago, and won't even go into all the hell I endured after that. A month after I lost my mama, I found out that my husband had been sleeping with my sister since I had been pregnant with my daughter. My whole little world came crashing down..I had lived a lie all those years. The people that meant the most to me were gone. I decided to try and salvage what was left of my marriage..why, I still can't figure to this day. He was just so damn controlling and manipulative. His alcoholism went to drug addiction..and I fell into the same thing. I did it so i wouldn't have to FEEL anymore. I simply couldn't handle life anymore. Finally one day I couldn't handle that life anymore either. I don't know what happened, but something rose up inside me and I got out of there. I got an apartment for me and my babies and made a life of our very own. That was 2 years ago, and man it's been hard as hell. That little weak, naive girl he molded is dead, and I'm so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. God knows me and my kids have went without, but damnit I made it. I've come so far since then, and it's great to be alive man. Right now I'm working 80 hours a week, and raising two wonderful, healthy kids. "How do you do it", people ask. My answer to that.."how could I NOT do it". All I have to do is look at my babies and it just comes natural. I'm still not completely away from him..he still harrasses me any chance he gets. I swear he was put on this earth to make my life hell. I'm just feisty enough now to give it back to him though.. As for my sister, we don't speak anymore. I tried to forgive and forget, but just can't get around the fact she did that to me. They both scarred me in ways I may never get over.
All I know is freedom is a beautiful thing, and we should all be grateful. It makes me sick to think of how long I stayed in that marriage literally dying. It's wonderful to be alive again.
Much love to ya all

 

Sugarmaggie-you are one good mother!-Your children are real lucky to have you there keeping them safe and putting food on the table-I sure hope that bum is paying child support-For you to rise up not only from addiction but abuse as well is so inspirational; your post should give other woman or anyone hope and strength to get back up-We all go through some kind of bullshit eventually; but the trick is to not let it take you down to low-I am happy you and your kids are close and your life is improving--you deserve all the best right now' and good things will happen for you-it's the law of Karma---Good luck and please keep us updated how you guys are doing-bye-

 

What wonderful adventures and realization you have all had. Even the hardest ones bring us the most growth.

SugarMaggie is so full of strenght and is deffinatly an inspiration to us all.
Ms. OM has touched the stars and pulled their shinning warmth into her heart.
Sus, sister friend, with her deep awereness of love and compassionate wisdom.

Blessed Be to each and everyone of the gentel soul that gather here to combine the feelings of kinship and brotherhood and a love for all created, is awe inspiring in itself. How glorious it is to have such ones in the worldly exsistance we live in. All guiding lights of love to shine a soothing light on the path of ones to follow.
Brightest Blessings to all herein.
sh

 

Thanks robspace. I know what I'm made of now, so maybe that was the purpose in me going through all that. I truly never knew that before. Everything is gonna be alright...I just gotta keep believing that. I also know that things could be so much worse for me, and I have sooo many things to be grateful for.
Life is strange, what can I say. Much love to you brother..
SH YOU are an inspiration..I always love reading your stories, as I've said many times before. Thank you for all the kinds words you've ever said to me. You are one fine lady.

 

Sugar you've come along way.
Never forget that strength does lie within you.

Stepping into the unknown is so hard, and sometimes thars exactly what we need to do.
We tend to become "comfortable" in horrible situations because we at least know what to expect. The unknown is scary.

How wonderful it is when we can look beyong our fear and see opportunity.
We are also blessed by tragic, screwed up circumstances at times, because being pissed off can be a great motivator.

Goddess.....what great adventures you have had. Wonderful to read about them.

 

Sugar, what a hard, hard road you have walked down. And what strength you have found within yourself.
I wondered why I stayed with a controlling and emotionally abusive husband (I left many years ago). I think we get so used to giving over and giving up that we think we don't "own" our own bodies any more and we submit instead of rising up. Then because we have let someone else treat us like that, somehow that translates in our brains as unworthiness. Like if someone shits on you you must be a toilet, right? I guess that's the mentality we end up with...
I remember so vividly when I left him -with just my daughter and the clothes on our back. I did go through some times when I was so afraid, but as one day follows another things work out. Then you wake up and it seems like a new day has dawned. I suddenly realised the euphoria of freedom. How had I never experienced it before? It seems like it often takes the negative to wake us up to the positive. Freedom was blissful, euphoric...I had been waking on egg shells for so long I felt I could finally breathe again, and it was truly worth everything I had given up financially.
So I kind of know where you are coming from, but if my mother had died after that, I think I would have collapsed...and to be betrayed by your sister - heartbreaking. You are amazing to have come through so strong and sure and clear after all that. You deserve the best. I am sure it is coming....

 

Teepi..thank you sister. You know, I don't think I've ever read one negative comment by you on these forums. I love you to death. Thank you for listening to my moans and groans since I've been here. *hugs*

Goddess Om..I'm so happy to hear you got out of your relationship as well. You're so right about it taking the negative to wake up the positive. Without sorrow, you can't possibly appreciate or know joy. As Kahlil Gibran said...the two are inseperable. I'm sorry you had to go through your situation..I could feel the pain as I read your post. You can't have regrets though, it's all gotta be learning experiences. When I start thinking negatively about my situation, then that's when my spirit is drained. I fall into "poor pitiful me" all too easily. Gotta keep ya chin up and keep going, right? This is what everybody else tells me anyway..hehe I need to practice what I preach. Thank you for your kind words sister..much love to you.