The Journey to coming out as gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out and Confused!' started by thepapasmurph, Oct 8, 2025.

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  1. thepapasmurph

    thepapasmurph Super Moderator Super Moderator

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    Half, or possibly 3/4s of the journey is within ourselves. @Desiplayer, you are much younger and live within a generation that's more accepting, yet it took you some time to accept yourself as gay...
    I started to come out in my 20s, but I struggled with lost dreams of a family of my own, of acceptance from family and friends, and I simply did not trust myself. I didn't have a solid support network of anyone I could talk to. I told my cousins whom I was close to, and they were OK, accepting of it - yet, when I struggled to accept myself they didn't challenge me or ask me why I would choose to reverse my coming out process.
    I had a couple of bad outcomes of relationships and plenty of playing around back then - pre-AIDES days - and I found myself depressed and struggling. I finally told myself that I was also attracted to women so why would I put myself through the "disgrace" of coming out as gay. I met a woman and I was, in fact, attracted to her physically and romantically, and I told myself I could put the gay away and fulfill that dream of having kids and a life that seemed fulfilled.
    I remember driving home from work to have lunch with my wife and new-born son - such a joyous time becoming a father, and going to check in on her and the baby... but simultaneously, I felt this sense of emptiness - and saying to myself "is this all there is?" I would put it aside as soon as I got home. But the feeling haunted me.
    It took me years... I was a good husband and father and did all the things I thought were what husbands and fathers were to do to provide, protect, teach and nurture - and it was OK for a long time.
    As our children were reaching adulthood, I felt lost, sad, confused... unfortunately, it was because I was denying myself and who I really am.
    I still maintain that I did one hell of a job lying to myself, of convincing myself that I was happy, that I was fulfilled - that I was a good, loyal husband -
    Through a few other setbacks in my personal life - a sudden employment change, some financial struggles, and a marriage that no longer included sex, I began to sink into a depression - and actually had a serious plan to end my life at my own hands.
    Thankfully, I came to my senses and began the long, slow walk back from the edge.
    It included counseling, both on my own and with my wife - and at the end of it, and after years of this horrible feeling of just existing, I realized I had to get honest.
    Now, a lot of men desire sex with other men only as a sexual release or pleasure. You can read it here on many of the posts. Yeah, I enjoyed that, too. But the other side of this coin was that I never drifted from my wife for another woman... I considered myself quite the guy that never got into it with another woman... do you know why? It was because I was in pure denial that I wanted to experience love - relationship love - with a man. And my wandering eye found a lot more men attractive and the object of my times of self-pleasure than any woman I happened to see. I remember even sitting in church and watching the crotch of a visiting preacher as he paced the front of the church. Each time he stepped a certain way, I could see his bulge, and the outline of a nice-looking cock in his pants - and I thought - even in church, I am a pervert. It took me a long time to realize this was not perverted - but it was my true nature. Just as heterosexual men see a woman, other than their wives, and have a thought about her shape and curves... I look at a man that I find attractive and see him for what I would like to do with him as a straight man looks at a woman.
    Admitting that to myself first and then having the courage to say it to others in a more socially acceptable manner took a lot of nerve and courage. Unfortunately, it is still difficult to feel thoroughly the same as everyone else in this world we live in. But it sure does feel a whole lot better than hiding it and pretending to be someone I am not.
     
    thepapasmurph, Nov 17, 2025
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    Joe90, gentlesenior, Native Vee and 1 other person like this.
  3. Native Vee

    Native Vee Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    Society makes people scared to let anyone know they are Gay or BI....... There is too much religion ruining things..

    Im glad you finally realised what you really wanted buddy -- Nothing wrong with it!!
     
    Native Vee, Nov 17, 2025
    #22
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  5. Hornymike66

    Hornymike66 Members

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    I'm 59 and going through such a confusing time right now. I started having fantasies about sex with other men about 40 years ago. Those feelings came and went the next few years, and it was a nice masturbation-fantasy change of pace when I wasn't dating a woman. What I didn't realize was that the fantasies were becoming more frequent.

    By my early 30s the m2m fantasies had become at least half of my thoughts when masturbating. But it was always oral, nothing more and there were definitely no thoughts of things like kissing, dating, etc.

    By my late 30s the fantasies started involving more than just oral. In my own mind, I accepted that I was bisexual. No big deal, I thought. I'll just keep it to myself. By now I was married to a woman and still liked woman more, at least that is what I told myself.

    At 48 I found myself divorced and the first thing I wanted to do was hook up with a guy. I had to know what oral sex, at minimum, was like with another man. Over the next year I hooked up with a few guys for oral sex and loved every bit of it. Then I started dating women again, but the desires for men only grew.

    Fast forward to today. I have been with a woman for several years now, but when I am alone with my thoughts, most of them are about men. Sex with men. Relationships with men. Although, I do often see women that really turn me on in that moment, but those thoughts rarely appear the next time I masturbate. Instead the thoughts are mostly MM, sometimes MMF, but hardly ever MF anymore . And what really gets me turned on these days are the thoughts of kissing, touching, telling each other (as two men) how much we want to be with each other, then the actual sex.

    So in my head I'm not sure if I just want or need the sex (I haven’t been naked with a man in about 10 years) or if I should be admitting to myself I'm really a gay man and would rather have a sexual and romantic relationship with a man, rather than be with a woman.

    I just read back through this before posting, and it sounds like I pretty much know the answer. I'm not getting any younger and what if the most rewarding and complete relationship of my life is right around the corner and it happens to be with a man? Like I said...it's a very confusing time for me right now!
     
    Hornymike66, Feb 15, 2026 at 10:34 PM
    #23
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  7. RisingBi

    RisingBi Members

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    I understand the feelings you're experiencing, @Hornymike66, and your confusion, and definitely sympathize, and also empathize. It is so very hard to know what one really wants, let alone what will make one happy, or at least more happy, especially when it's still just fantasy. But you do have a past of enjoying oral sex with other guys, so that at least tells you that you at least very much like cock in real life. But will you love fucking and romance with another man? Actual experience with real guys can only answer that. But how do you do that ethically when you're with a woman?

    I've had a huge amount of confusion for decades myself, with gay desires for everything with a man continually driving me out to find a real man to have sex with, only to loose my gay desire whenever I was naked with a real guy, but still sucking each other's cocks. This happened again and again, with only 5 exceptions of not losing my desire across hundreds of guys over a period of 21 years (from 30-51), while still trying to date women. Then I fucked my first man, as a top, at 51 the greatest sexual experience of my life, which finally was the act that broke through my internalized homophobia and allowed me to accept the gay side of my bisexuality, and in fact love it. I felt unbelievable desire for him, and for every man I've been with since.

    But I was fortunate enough to have remained single throughout all this, with only the occasional dates with women. But then I did meet a woman and fall in love and be with for 3 years. But throughout that relationship, especially during our many breaks, all I could think about was sex with men (I never cheated on her, except online). It was when I could no longer orgasm while fucking her pussy without pretending it was a guy's ass that I was fucking that I realized it was time to permanently end that relationship, at 57 and just before Covid hit. I had no desire left to ever have sex, let alone romance, with another woman again. Even though I'm still sexually attracted to women, I don't want to have sex with them anymore. I finally realized that I had been gay all along (or mostly gay). I finally came out to myself as homosexual, and have loved living as a gay man ever since, even having romantic crushes on guys, though with no boyfriend in-love relationship yet.

    I think it was my age at 57, and then especially when I turned 60 three years ago, when I realized that life was running short and I could no longer waste any more time not living my truth. I really should've listened to myself that evening in 2013 when I finally inserted my cock into another man's asshole for the first time, and felt like I was coming home, that this was what I was always meant for, making love with another man. I never felt so content, so ME, than when I was fucking that man. It just took me years more to stop fighting that. And I can't wait to finally have another man fuck my ass as well.

    Whatever it is, I hope you find your own truth someday soon. It sounds like in your last paragraph that you already have done so. But it's still just in your head: you have to get answers by starting to explore your sexuality with men again. If you have to break up with the woman you're with now in order to do so, I encourage you to. I know it's super hard to do. But don't you owe it to yourself to finally get some answers?
     
    RisingBi, Feb 16, 2026 at 11:07 AM
    #24
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  9. thepapasmurph

    thepapasmurph Super Moderator Super Moderator

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    @Hornymike66 - that was a great post - thank you for sharing your struggles. What you are going through is something I understand, to a degree. I think only one significant difference between you and me is that I denied my sexual orientation to myself and to anyone else, worked very hard to put it aside, wanted to be straight because - well, it was normal, and tried...
    The difficult question for you is for you to know for sure. For example, I always wanted a boy to kiss me. You seem to be evolving. That could be for a variety of reasons. The other very difficult part is that you are currently in a relationship with a woman. So, a lot depends on where you are at with her, and where she's at with you.
    I do think it's worth exploring in some way to determine your personal fulfillment. It won't be easy. And there are so many unknowns ahead for you.
    Can you be honest with her?
    Are you actively having a healthy sexual relationship with her now?
    Do you want to stay with her?
    Those are the first questions I would be asking you if you were sitting here with me.
    Also, I'm sure you know this - but it is a long journey to finding a healthy relationship with a man. There could be a lot of one-night stands along the way - and while they are fun, they may not fully answer your questions of fulfill what you are seeking.
    One-night stands are risky, especially if you are active sexually with your female partner - you don't want to bring an unwanted infection home to her.
    If you are single, then I'd say begin to explore the gay world out there in however you want. It's really the only way you'll know for sure where you want to go with this.
     
    thepapasmurph, Feb 16, 2026 at 4:53 PM
    #25
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